That is how I feel about life right now:
STAGNANT...
I got into a sort of debate about doing what makes me happy... and since then that is all that is on my mind. I figure the reason I was so stressed out about nothing or feeling out of sorts with the group because I was trying to be someone I'm not, trying to do what my friends expect of me because they think it will make me happy instead of just listening to my heart, my intuition. I guess I was leaning on their advice too much as to what to do with my life and it was in fact making me miserable. Which is a damn shame because I only want to make the people around me happy... but compromising my entire self for them is no good either. I can't help them if I can't even help myself. So I've been working on it. Trying to find a balance between doing what I want and allowing some time and effort for things they want.
But I also think that being a little selfish and not completely selfless is not a bad thing. Friends should realize that each individual is entitled to their own busy lives and should take their own paths even if it means straying away from the friendship a little bit. Because in the end, if we are true friends it shouldn't matter the time in between our shared moments - its how meaningful the time shared that is the important thing. Also, I don't like being told what to do, I don't like being pressured to spend time with someone. It is more enticing and welcoming to spend time together if it is open, and relaxed - it makes it much more fun. It makes me want to make time to spend together. If I'm told what to do, my rebellious side kicks in and I'll do the exact opposite.
So, in the end, I need to cater to my needs right now. Because I feel stagnant with the rest of my life. This retail job, although it is fun and is good money, it is a dead end. I'm only part time, and my location is micro-managed by every employee, regardless if they are an assistant manager or not. It is frustrating because you will never know who is going to nit-pick on your performance. And getting negative feedback everyday is never fun. And I understand that everyone is just looking out for the best, and it is all constructive criticism - but it weighs heavy on the mind. My manager tells me how great I'm doing and how well I'm fitting in... but I'm finding it hard to believe her when everyone else is telling me I'm doing everything wrong or that I need to go about my sales a totally different way. So who is lying? Probably no one, but it makes me realize that I was not cut out for a job like this. I'll do it because it is the only place that will employ me and I'm getting a great experience here at Town Shoes... but I yearn for something more productive, something with a greater end to its means. I need to see a bigger pay off, and not in terms of paycheque, but in terms of visual results that I'm doing something good for the community.
Alas, so this brings me to why I feel stagnant. I really want to get back into painting and beading... but I feel confined. I don't feel that I can take my supplies out, go crazy for a few hours and then let it stand (the way I do to keep myself motivated by a piece, so that fresh eyes are always laying upon what I'm working on) for a few days. Someone will tell me my stuff is in the way, or that I'm making a mess, or that someone else knocked into my stuff, or that they moved my stuff back into my room. I need to stretch out... but I can't, so I don't really make the time to be involved in my passions. So instead, I trudge - day in, and day out - to work and then home again. And I don't even want to go home... I want to go to Drew's apartment. Creativity lives there, I feel more at home.
So this is my predicament... on top of all the other things that have been happening:
Drew's broken clavicle - and me taking care of him
Not being able to graduate - and forcing York to find a solution
Trying to spend time with family - and feeling like they don't really care to put the effort in anymore
Ahhhhhhhhh, I should just be thankful for what I have - I'm just finding it hard to believe in myself these days. I need my power back - so that I can make some MOVEMENT.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Frustration Building
Yeah - its been a while. But like I said in my last post - SPACE...
I just took the time to think some things over. Got really internal and hibernated - which in the end only made things worse on the friends front. I don't like being accused for not spending time with people when I'm just as fucking busy as everyone else or because I choose to get close to my boyfriend.
If anything I just want to run outside and tell everyone I know to grow the fuck up - but that would be childish and get me no where.
I'm trying not to worry about it and put in some good effort to show everyone I'm still available. Let's see if they reciprocate and if they don't... well.... at least I tried and I'm never going to be fooled into feeling bad about the face time I give. End of Story.
But it's not the end of the story - I'm still frustrated, even more so now. Drew has broken his collar bone - I haven't had a decent night's sleep since it happened. Sunday he usually plays football with the guys in the morning and he was going to meet me at my store to go to my Grandmother's birthday dinner in Markham. When my shift was over instead of Drew waiting for me outside my store, I have missed calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I listened to my voice mail and it's Drew in a weak voice saying he was at Toronto General and he broke his clavicle. I had a mini-panic attack inside and take a deep breath and try to track him down. My mind kept running over our conversation that morning:
"Bye baby"
"I don't think you should go to football today, your ribs are still hurting you from weeks ago"
"Yeah, but I can't bail. I hate bailing when I say I'll be there"
"Well, lots of other people flake out too. You shouldn't play if you're not feeling top notch"
"Bye baby, I'll see you after your shift"
I wanted to find him just so I could scream I told you so... but that was irrational, angry Steph. I cleared my mind and tracked him down to another hospital - at Lakeshore and Roncesvales. It took an hour and a half just to get there. Then another hour to track him down inside the hospital. I talked to so many nurses and aides and white phones. Finally when I found out where he was, he was already under the knife. I had missed him by 12 minutes, and I had missed my Grandmother's birthday.
Surgery took about 2 hours. They had to open him up, put the bone back together and inserted a metal plate to keep it in place. The nurse that helped me find Drew suggested that I go home and get something to eat while I waited for him to get out of recovery. I decided to go get some comfy pants and a sweater for Drew because I know they strip you down naked for surgery and he's so cold all the time. I went to Vanilla to see Fisty who was the contact with the hospital. As soon as I got there they called him and told us that he was in recovery and then heading to his room where he'd be staying over night. When I finally got back to the hospital he was out of surgery for a couple of hours but visiting hours were over like an hour ago. But the nurse was nice, she could see how strung out I was and said, "be quick" and showed me to his room.
Seeing Drew the way I did made my heart drop. His skin was ashen, he had tubes up his nose, two different IV tubes in his arm, his chest was yellow from the iodine, a big gauzy bandage on his left shoulder held in place with a sling. I touched his sweaty forehead and he opened his eyes. They were an icy blue, his pupils were tiny black specks... he almost looked through me instead of at me. I stayed with him for an hour and then thanked the nurse. I went home to try to sleep - but it wasn't easy.
I got up early and headed straight for the hospital. Drew looked better but wasn't feeling better. The morphine was making him throw up. The nurse told me he had one more bag of antibiotics to take in intravenously and he could go home - which would be around 2pm. I ran around like crazy trying to get things in order. I called all of our friends to see if they could help. Those who could showed up pretty late making me late which made Drew really anxious. Cat was my savior, she picked me up in her company van and drove me to and from the hospital.
So here I am, five days later, exhausted out of my mind. I have gotten very little sleep, I have to tend to Drew like a baby. He can't eat, or drink, or go to the bathroom without help. Sitting up, laying down, and finding the right angle with the pillows has been a challenge. Each day he gets more mobility but the drugs he's on for pain whacks him out and it gets really frustrating. I'm trying to keep my cool and my calm in order but with having to work while doing all of this... my patience is running thin. Armour has been amazing though. He has slept here almost every night, and usually only leaves to go to work and then comes right back. He has looked after Drew when I'm not around... he is my shining star right now.
And everyone who has come to visit - thank you. It means so much to Drew, it means even more to me.
BUT then there is the rest of the fucking DRAMA RAMA torturing my mind. There is the whole ORDEAL that happened on the floor in Drew's apartment on the first night he was out from the hospital. I can't express how upset and angry I am over that. Don't ask me why I'm so emotionally involved... And now I have everyone coming to me asking for verification. I never asked for this burden. And then there are the little annoying things like people not thinking ahead of time and making meals that are completely allergic for others to eat, and breaking all of my fucking dishes, among other things....
I need a fucking vacation... I need to get away from here, I need to get away from my friends before I explode my rage all over them. Because I don't want to do that, I want to relish in good times... but it's so difficult when no one will throw me a freakin' bone.
gah - time to medicate Drew... and then go to work.... *sigh*
I just took the time to think some things over. Got really internal and hibernated - which in the end only made things worse on the friends front. I don't like being accused for not spending time with people when I'm just as fucking busy as everyone else or because I choose to get close to my boyfriend.
If anything I just want to run outside and tell everyone I know to grow the fuck up - but that would be childish and get me no where.
I'm trying not to worry about it and put in some good effort to show everyone I'm still available. Let's see if they reciprocate and if they don't... well.... at least I tried and I'm never going to be fooled into feeling bad about the face time I give. End of Story.
But it's not the end of the story - I'm still frustrated, even more so now. Drew has broken his collar bone - I haven't had a decent night's sleep since it happened. Sunday he usually plays football with the guys in the morning and he was going to meet me at my store to go to my Grandmother's birthday dinner in Markham. When my shift was over instead of Drew waiting for me outside my store, I have missed calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I listened to my voice mail and it's Drew in a weak voice saying he was at Toronto General and he broke his clavicle. I had a mini-panic attack inside and take a deep breath and try to track him down. My mind kept running over our conversation that morning:
"Bye baby"
"I don't think you should go to football today, your ribs are still hurting you from weeks ago"
"Yeah, but I can't bail. I hate bailing when I say I'll be there"
"Well, lots of other people flake out too. You shouldn't play if you're not feeling top notch"
"Bye baby, I'll see you after your shift"
I wanted to find him just so I could scream I told you so... but that was irrational, angry Steph. I cleared my mind and tracked him down to another hospital - at Lakeshore and Roncesvales. It took an hour and a half just to get there. Then another hour to track him down inside the hospital. I talked to so many nurses and aides and white phones. Finally when I found out where he was, he was already under the knife. I had missed him by 12 minutes, and I had missed my Grandmother's birthday.
Surgery took about 2 hours. They had to open him up, put the bone back together and inserted a metal plate to keep it in place. The nurse that helped me find Drew suggested that I go home and get something to eat while I waited for him to get out of recovery. I decided to go get some comfy pants and a sweater for Drew because I know they strip you down naked for surgery and he's so cold all the time. I went to Vanilla to see Fisty who was the contact with the hospital. As soon as I got there they called him and told us that he was in recovery and then heading to his room where he'd be staying over night. When I finally got back to the hospital he was out of surgery for a couple of hours but visiting hours were over like an hour ago. But the nurse was nice, she could see how strung out I was and said, "be quick" and showed me to his room.
Seeing Drew the way I did made my heart drop. His skin was ashen, he had tubes up his nose, two different IV tubes in his arm, his chest was yellow from the iodine, a big gauzy bandage on his left shoulder held in place with a sling. I touched his sweaty forehead and he opened his eyes. They were an icy blue, his pupils were tiny black specks... he almost looked through me instead of at me. I stayed with him for an hour and then thanked the nurse. I went home to try to sleep - but it wasn't easy.
I got up early and headed straight for the hospital. Drew looked better but wasn't feeling better. The morphine was making him throw up. The nurse told me he had one more bag of antibiotics to take in intravenously and he could go home - which would be around 2pm. I ran around like crazy trying to get things in order. I called all of our friends to see if they could help. Those who could showed up pretty late making me late which made Drew really anxious. Cat was my savior, she picked me up in her company van and drove me to and from the hospital.
So here I am, five days later, exhausted out of my mind. I have gotten very little sleep, I have to tend to Drew like a baby. He can't eat, or drink, or go to the bathroom without help. Sitting up, laying down, and finding the right angle with the pillows has been a challenge. Each day he gets more mobility but the drugs he's on for pain whacks him out and it gets really frustrating. I'm trying to keep my cool and my calm in order but with having to work while doing all of this... my patience is running thin. Armour has been amazing though. He has slept here almost every night, and usually only leaves to go to work and then comes right back. He has looked after Drew when I'm not around... he is my shining star right now.
And everyone who has come to visit - thank you. It means so much to Drew, it means even more to me.
BUT then there is the rest of the fucking DRAMA RAMA torturing my mind. There is the whole ORDEAL that happened on the floor in Drew's apartment on the first night he was out from the hospital. I can't express how upset and angry I am over that. Don't ask me why I'm so emotionally involved... And now I have everyone coming to me asking for verification. I never asked for this burden. And then there are the little annoying things like people not thinking ahead of time and making meals that are completely allergic for others to eat, and breaking all of my fucking dishes, among other things....
I need a fucking vacation... I need to get away from here, I need to get away from my friends before I explode my rage all over them. Because I don't want to do that, I want to relish in good times... but it's so difficult when no one will throw me a freakin' bone.
gah - time to medicate Drew... and then go to work.... *sigh*
Friday, April 23, 2010
I need space...
... perhaps that is why I stay away for so long. I feel so invaded that I need space. I love my alone time. I just laze in the sun and do crosswords and snack on little treats I prepare for myself and take pictures of things that intrigue me and getting involved in the lives of the characters of my new favourite shows... and then someone walks in the door and I feel I have to stop all of that, or close my door... It is strange. Like I have to be private about what I'm doing... I don't know why.... Things to contemplate.
So I found out that I have laryngitis from a cold or sinus infection. My lungs seem to be clear from fluids and my throat is not sore. I keep coughing because I have terrible nasal drip which is aggravating my throat which is making me more hoarse. I literally have no voice. I have taken the last four days off of work. This is going to kill my next paycheque. So I have quarantined myself to Drew's because I know there is solitude there during the day and most of the evening. It took me two whole days to stop talking... hahah, I never realized how much I socialize... Like don't get me wrong, I know I'm a chatterbox - but I can't even say for simple things like "pass me the salt" or "no, thank you"... I am noticing a significant difference in my voice though. One more day of this silent treatment and I should be okay to go back to work this weekend.
On Monday I went to the walk-in clinic at Sherbourne and Bloor. HAH - what a shit show. I waitied 3 and half hours to see a doctor that looked at me for about 15 minutes. And for once I didn't feel compelled to complain about the wait or the need to be impatient. I just sat there, enjoyed an Arizona tea and read a 24H newspaper. Luckily I had a pen in my purse so I could do the crossword and sodoku. I actually enjoyed myself there. I got to watch EVEYONE ELSE wretch in pain over the wait. They paced back and forth, they hugged their sides in agony (and not because they are actually hurting, but because they couldn't endure the wait), I got to listen to the sob stories and explanations as to why they should be seen sooner, and I got to see the exasperation on people's faces when they found out the registration desk closed an hour early because there were so many patients already in line.... FREE ENTERTAINMENT. The doctor that saw me said that if the nasal spray she prescribed me doesn't help me get better by the end of the weekend, I should come back - maybe I'll just stop by and sit in the waiting room for some more cheap thrills - hahaha.
So here I find myself alone again in Drew's apartment. I've turned it into my little sick room, so I guess I should clean it up a bit now that I have regained some energy from this time-out. Ooooooooor maybe I'll just watch another episode of House first.... yeah, I'll do that. Then out into the sunshine it is for me, I want to feel the fresh air on my skin - maybe a walk in the cemetery would be nice. Talk about space!
So I found out that I have laryngitis from a cold or sinus infection. My lungs seem to be clear from fluids and my throat is not sore. I keep coughing because I have terrible nasal drip which is aggravating my throat which is making me more hoarse. I literally have no voice. I have taken the last four days off of work. This is going to kill my next paycheque. So I have quarantined myself to Drew's because I know there is solitude there during the day and most of the evening. It took me two whole days to stop talking... hahah, I never realized how much I socialize... Like don't get me wrong, I know I'm a chatterbox - but I can't even say for simple things like "pass me the salt" or "no, thank you"... I am noticing a significant difference in my voice though. One more day of this silent treatment and I should be okay to go back to work this weekend.
On Monday I went to the walk-in clinic at Sherbourne and Bloor. HAH - what a shit show. I waitied 3 and half hours to see a doctor that looked at me for about 15 minutes. And for once I didn't feel compelled to complain about the wait or the need to be impatient. I just sat there, enjoyed an Arizona tea and read a 24H newspaper. Luckily I had a pen in my purse so I could do the crossword and sodoku. I actually enjoyed myself there. I got to watch EVEYONE ELSE wretch in pain over the wait. They paced back and forth, they hugged their sides in agony (and not because they are actually hurting, but because they couldn't endure the wait), I got to listen to the sob stories and explanations as to why they should be seen sooner, and I got to see the exasperation on people's faces when they found out the registration desk closed an hour early because there were so many patients already in line.... FREE ENTERTAINMENT. The doctor that saw me said that if the nasal spray she prescribed me doesn't help me get better by the end of the weekend, I should come back - maybe I'll just stop by and sit in the waiting room for some more cheap thrills - hahaha.
So here I find myself alone again in Drew's apartment. I've turned it into my little sick room, so I guess I should clean it up a bit now that I have regained some energy from this time-out. Ooooooooor maybe I'll just watch another episode of House first.... yeah, I'll do that. Then out into the sunshine it is for me, I want to feel the fresh air on my skin - maybe a walk in the cemetery would be nice. Talk about space!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
We avoid the things we don't like...
My throat is still scratchy. Whatever I did at Formal the other night has gotten worse. At least the throwing up has subsided, but now I have strep-like symptoms. Meh, I'll get over it in time. It just sucks because I'm not at my top performance. Which sucks even more for work...
So my housemates are throwing a party/get together on Friday. To be honest I'm not overly thrilled to participate in shenanigans due to me being ill... I'm never in the house very much any more and the more I'm nagged or reminded that I'm never there it makes me wanna stay away for even longer. Don't ask me what happened to me during my childhood that made me this way... I just don't know. All I know is that we all avoid things we don't like. What is not to like though? It is at a great location, I love the layout of the house, I love the people I live with... what is not to like?? I just don't get it.
Also, I don't like the fact that my room is a dumping station - it irritates me. From me running in and out of the door, from people returning things they have borrowed, from people coming into my room to use my computer, from me being sick and having meals in my room.... and the list goes on and on and on. And here I find myself tidying Drew's room for "Guys' Night In", but every time that Drew and I plan on going to my house to do the same - SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP. It's annoying. Like last night, we were going to go to my place so that I could do some much needed laundry for work, but Cat and Nick called us when Drew got home and were planning on coming over to hang out with us. We waited and waited and waited for them to call us back after they made their dinner but it never happened. And by the time we realized the hour, it was too late to do anything... so my room got neglected again.
And I don't like my room being a mess and constant clutter. It irritates the fuck out of me actually. But I deal with it because it's never going to change until I move into a place of my own, where I have ample space and places to put my things exactly where I want them. It never works when there is shared space. It just pains me that I will never be satisfied until I live on my own (or with someone significant) - and its a damn shame too because this house is gorgeous.
Guh, I'm just in a terrible mood because I'm sick and I don't want to be bothered...
So my housemates are throwing a party/get together on Friday. To be honest I'm not overly thrilled to participate in shenanigans due to me being ill... I'm never in the house very much any more and the more I'm nagged or reminded that I'm never there it makes me wanna stay away for even longer. Don't ask me what happened to me during my childhood that made me this way... I just don't know. All I know is that we all avoid things we don't like. What is not to like though? It is at a great location, I love the layout of the house, I love the people I live with... what is not to like?? I just don't get it.
Also, I don't like the fact that my room is a dumping station - it irritates me. From me running in and out of the door, from people returning things they have borrowed, from people coming into my room to use my computer, from me being sick and having meals in my room.... and the list goes on and on and on. And here I find myself tidying Drew's room for "Guys' Night In", but every time that Drew and I plan on going to my house to do the same - SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP. It's annoying. Like last night, we were going to go to my place so that I could do some much needed laundry for work, but Cat and Nick called us when Drew got home and were planning on coming over to hang out with us. We waited and waited and waited for them to call us back after they made their dinner but it never happened. And by the time we realized the hour, it was too late to do anything... so my room got neglected again.
And I don't like my room being a mess and constant clutter. It irritates the fuck out of me actually. But I deal with it because it's never going to change until I move into a place of my own, where I have ample space and places to put my things exactly where I want them. It never works when there is shared space. It just pains me that I will never be satisfied until I live on my own (or with someone significant) - and its a damn shame too because this house is gorgeous.
Guh, I'm just in a terrible mood because I'm sick and I don't want to be bothered...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
YORK UNIVERSITY YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!
I'm soooooooo DONE with this place!!! I'm enraged beyond words. Every time I get hopeful about graduating from York University something comes crashing down on my dreams. I'm too upset to get into details right now... but I'm seriously considering pooping on York property to give them back everything they have given me over my time and experience there - SHIT.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
It troubles me...
It troubles me when I post twice in a day...
It troubles me when I say one thing and then I want to reverse it...
It troubles me that you act this way and I want to smash your face in...
It troubles me that I'm drinking by myself as an act of protest against you...
It troubles me that I've been feeling more and more isolated as the days go by...
It troubles me that I have an urge to spread my wings because I feel confided...
It troubles me that all I want to do is cry as hard as I can and yell even louder...
It troubles me that I'm not feeling the wine yet....
gah...
next week I'm making some plans with some people I haven't seen in almost a decade. And seriously I can fucking wait. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hang out with day in and day out... but it's beginning to feel a little stale. Not the hangouts, not the people, just for me... I feel like I'm stale.
and...
then the very bitter part of me just wants to do it to make you jealous, to see me having so much fun... so that you'll want me to come spend time with you like all the times I've been dying to spend time with you.
Yeah, I'm kinda upset right now, well, more so frustrated. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it... which frustrates me even more. I just need to suck it up and get over it. Tonight's just not my night, what can I say....
...but still, it troubles me....
It troubles me when I say one thing and then I want to reverse it...
It troubles me that you act this way and I want to smash your face in...
It troubles me that I'm drinking by myself as an act of protest against you...
It troubles me that I've been feeling more and more isolated as the days go by...
It troubles me that I have an urge to spread my wings because I feel confided...
It troubles me that all I want to do is cry as hard as I can and yell even louder...
It troubles me that I'm not feeling the wine yet....
gah...
next week I'm making some plans with some people I haven't seen in almost a decade. And seriously I can fucking wait. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hang out with day in and day out... but it's beginning to feel a little stale. Not the hangouts, not the people, just for me... I feel like I'm stale.
and...
then the very bitter part of me just wants to do it to make you jealous, to see me having so much fun... so that you'll want me to come spend time with you like all the times I've been dying to spend time with you.
Yeah, I'm kinda upset right now, well, more so frustrated. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it... which frustrates me even more. I just need to suck it up and get over it. Tonight's just not my night, what can I say....
...but still, it troubles me....
French Toast in the yard...
I'm listening to "Paris" by Friendly Fires on repeat right now. I got up early with Drew. He made the house french toast, and bought us syrup so that we could have breakfast in the yard today. It was so ridiculously perfect out. Just enough sunshine to keep us warm in the morning shade. The pavement was cold though - it froze my toes a little. Then Richard, Cat and I got ready for our days. I was supposed to go with them to Bulk Barn because I want to make "Easter Bark" to hand out this weekend, but it was cutting it too close to work time. I should get going soon, but I think I will change my outfit for something lighter... it is getting hot out and I have a feeling I'll be up in men's a lot.
Anyway, Drew has been incredibly sweet of late. We had a very frustrating few days, but we talked it through, very emotionally, but we talked none-the-less. Things are fine, I think we are just scared of how much we care about each other and had a little freak out. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him right now. All my lingering thoughts go back to him and when I'm going to see him next. I cling to the thought of him, I hold onto it as long and hard as I can.
I really wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend, but really I should be thrilled at the hours I have been receiving. I still have a considerable amount of homework to do before I'm officially OFFICIALLY done university. This group project is driving me nuts and I just wish it would go away. One of our group members is getting a free ride on his grade and it's not fair.... but I just don't have the time to whine about it - just move on.
I'm itching to do something else than be tied down by York. I'm soooooooooo over it. Town Shoes still gives me so much free time to do whatever else, I'm thrilled actually.
EDIT - I just looked at my schedule and realized I was looking at LAST WEEK's schedule... I only have to work at 3pm... OMG - I'm such a dunce. I'm going to go perfect my outfit.
BUT that's what I'm also lamenting about. I can't wait to have York out of the way so that I can start organizing myself... I'll actually have time to commit to cleaning my room and sorting through all the stuff that I have and start getting rid of it all... And then I can live in a clutter free room because my school books won't be all over the floor and my desks and upstairs and Drew's place.... I can start focusing all of my income on my livelihood instead of unnecessary course kits and other school supplies that I'll only ever use ONCE... I can start getting to all those other tasks I have started, like painting and the garden and ESPECIALLY my beading. Soon, so very soon I'll be able to move on in my life and feel accomplished.
York - You are HOLDING ME BACK!
Anyway, Drew has been incredibly sweet of late. We had a very frustrating few days, but we talked it through, very emotionally, but we talked none-the-less. Things are fine, I think we are just scared of how much we care about each other and had a little freak out. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him right now. All my lingering thoughts go back to him and when I'm going to see him next. I cling to the thought of him, I hold onto it as long and hard as I can.
I really wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend, but really I should be thrilled at the hours I have been receiving. I still have a considerable amount of homework to do before I'm officially OFFICIALLY done university. This group project is driving me nuts and I just wish it would go away. One of our group members is getting a free ride on his grade and it's not fair.... but I just don't have the time to whine about it - just move on.
I'm itching to do something else than be tied down by York. I'm soooooooooo over it. Town Shoes still gives me so much free time to do whatever else, I'm thrilled actually.
EDIT - I just looked at my schedule and realized I was looking at LAST WEEK's schedule... I only have to work at 3pm... OMG - I'm such a dunce. I'm going to go perfect my outfit.
BUT that's what I'm also lamenting about. I can't wait to have York out of the way so that I can start organizing myself... I'll actually have time to commit to cleaning my room and sorting through all the stuff that I have and start getting rid of it all... And then I can live in a clutter free room because my school books won't be all over the floor and my desks and upstairs and Drew's place.... I can start focusing all of my income on my livelihood instead of unnecessary course kits and other school supplies that I'll only ever use ONCE... I can start getting to all those other tasks I have started, like painting and the garden and ESPECIALLY my beading. Soon, so very soon I'll be able to move on in my life and feel accomplished.
York - You are HOLDING ME BACK!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The spaces in between...
I can't quite describe how I feel right now... My stomach feels uneasy. Now, I don't know if that is just because I haven't eaten anything but a granola bar today or if it's part of why I can't seem to step foot out of Drew's apartment.
I had a great day yesterday. Drew spent the whole day with me. It was so nice, that feeling of security, knowing he was doing his best to make sure I had an awesome time. He got me pretty drunk, bought me a fab present and walked me home to put me to bed.
I'm glad Cat is home, it was too quiet and uninteresting without her around. I felt no need to be home when she was gone, so I neglected the house. But the Ortress will be full tonight, with people brimming to see her - and get their gifts she brought back from Japan.
But still, as the sun is shining and the birds are chirping... I feel nothing but a bland feeling. I'm unimpressed, a little depressed and really lonely and I don't want to face the world. Work called in, they are short staffed... I really don't want to be there right now, so I ignored the call. I'm not scheduled OR on-call... so I don't feel that I should be available to them. That attitude is how I feel in general. And me just sitting here moping is doing nothing but feeding this feeling and making it grow. It's not a big deal, but I just wish my mood matched the weather.
Anyway, I need to go to the bank to get Cat the rest of my rent money. I didn't quite make it on my own, but it WAS only three weeks of pay that I have received so far. And I'm trying to keep my credit card balance at a nice obtainable $100 each bill... I would rather it be at zero but I just can't do it this month.
On a brighter note, school is done for me.... I only have to submit this last paper and I'm DONE FOREVER. Thank god... I don't think I could stand anymore York University if I tried. SHIT, I was supposed to go pick up a loaner hood from Sarah at UECR today... but since my family is bickering and unhappy, I won't rush. I was only getting a BA hood so that I could take pictures with my grandmother. But family right now is a whole OTHER story that I just won't get into.
Let's just leave it at - I'm so glad for my chosen family.
I had a great day yesterday. Drew spent the whole day with me. It was so nice, that feeling of security, knowing he was doing his best to make sure I had an awesome time. He got me pretty drunk, bought me a fab present and walked me home to put me to bed.
I'm glad Cat is home, it was too quiet and uninteresting without her around. I felt no need to be home when she was gone, so I neglected the house. But the Ortress will be full tonight, with people brimming to see her - and get their gifts she brought back from Japan.
But still, as the sun is shining and the birds are chirping... I feel nothing but a bland feeling. I'm unimpressed, a little depressed and really lonely and I don't want to face the world. Work called in, they are short staffed... I really don't want to be there right now, so I ignored the call. I'm not scheduled OR on-call... so I don't feel that I should be available to them. That attitude is how I feel in general. And me just sitting here moping is doing nothing but feeding this feeling and making it grow. It's not a big deal, but I just wish my mood matched the weather.
Anyway, I need to go to the bank to get Cat the rest of my rent money. I didn't quite make it on my own, but it WAS only three weeks of pay that I have received so far. And I'm trying to keep my credit card balance at a nice obtainable $100 each bill... I would rather it be at zero but I just can't do it this month.
On a brighter note, school is done for me.... I only have to submit this last paper and I'm DONE FOREVER. Thank god... I don't think I could stand anymore York University if I tried. SHIT, I was supposed to go pick up a loaner hood from Sarah at UECR today... but since my family is bickering and unhappy, I won't rush. I was only getting a BA hood so that I could take pictures with my grandmother. But family right now is a whole OTHER story that I just won't get into.
Let's just leave it at - I'm so glad for my chosen family.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Woah - it's March
Haven't updated in a while... the ending of February was a bit of a flash... I don't know if it was because there are less days or because there was so much going on that I didn't notice time was ticking by. I've been updating my personal journal more lately. I don't really feel I can put down exactly what I'm feeling anymore without fear of someone reading it and taking me aside to talk about my behavior. gaaaaaaaah... I feel I'm holding my tongue more and more these days. But I'm not one for confrontation, so it's my own fault for compromising my feelings for silence. Maybe I'll just go camp out at Drew's for a bit - no one goes there anyways. Maybe I'll use my reclusive time to get back to work with my website. I haven't put a single piece of jewellery up for sale yet. My pictures aren't amazing - I'm actually really unimpressed with what I have shot. And maybe I can set up the tripod and take some pics with me in the jewellery. I think I'd be happier if I had shots with models. I was going to ask my friends to be in it, but it's been hard to cooridinate - and the lighting in my house is really shitty. Etsy has just... sorta slipped through my fingers. I was sooo gung-ho about the account and then things just sorta snowballed. Drew went away, so I didn't go to his house to use his computer, I got a job, I planned Katherine's birthday, my family went out of their way to reconnect with me, school is coming to an end, I had my graduation pictures taken, Drew and I went to a wedding..... and here I sit less than thrilled. Just a looming feeling today. People are freaking out over little things and I just don't want to be part of it. I don't even want to talk about it... done.
On the upside - I have been spending time with friends a lot recently. Family day was a good start. And then our surprise trip to see Erin and the Winters crew who were also in Montreal. It was an amazing lil' getaway. Katherine's bday was good, a little stressful, but still fun - and I got to hang with a bunch of peeps I haven't seen in ages. Then people have just been over at our house pretty much non-stop. Which is great, but I'm running out of cash to buy food and booze all the time. I feel like I want to start harbouring stuff in my room so that I have something for myself at the end of the day. I have been constantly going out to party and to go to bars - my room is also a disaster from me constantly running out the door, getting wasted and then being too lazy to want to do anything but laze around and enjoy the little sunshine we have been graced with. I try to be low-key person, but let's be honest - FAT CHANCE!!! Hahaha....
Well, I saw a bumble bee the other day. To me that's a sign of spring. I want to see if I can get away with not wearing my Winter coat anymore. Today crushed my dreams. It looks dreary. Well, this is a nice distraction from my homework - I best get back.
~SLaw
On the upside - I have been spending time with friends a lot recently. Family day was a good start. And then our surprise trip to see Erin and the Winters crew who were also in Montreal. It was an amazing lil' getaway. Katherine's bday was good, a little stressful, but still fun - and I got to hang with a bunch of peeps I haven't seen in ages. Then people have just been over at our house pretty much non-stop. Which is great, but I'm running out of cash to buy food and booze all the time. I feel like I want to start harbouring stuff in my room so that I have something for myself at the end of the day. I have been constantly going out to party and to go to bars - my room is also a disaster from me constantly running out the door, getting wasted and then being too lazy to want to do anything but laze around and enjoy the little sunshine we have been graced with. I try to be low-key person, but let's be honest - FAT CHANCE!!! Hahaha....
Well, I saw a bumble bee the other day. To me that's a sign of spring. I want to see if I can get away with not wearing my Winter coat anymore. Today crushed my dreams. It looks dreary. Well, this is a nice distraction from my homework - I best get back.
~SLaw
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Got a Call Back
woooooooooooooooooooooo!!
I like these guys already. I had a super fantastic nap and missed a phone call from my potential employer. She wants to have a one-on-one interview now with me on Friday, so this is superb. Now I have to come up with another super fantastic outfit - gaaaah. Haha, as if that is the least of my worries. I can't believe how ultra easy it is to get to this location - barely 10 stops away (7 in fact, I just checked).
I'm actually really excited. I just called my parents, Drew and texted Cat. I can't believe I've been sooo unemployed for so LONG - holy crap. It will be nice to finally afford things again.
This is just another small step onto taking my life to new heights. I also can't believe I was such a mess only 6 months ago.
Oh and my half birthday was just afterValentine's day - I'm almost 26. Not sure how I feel about that. Better now knowing that I may be employed in the very near future.
Fingers crossed!
I like these guys already. I had a super fantastic nap and missed a phone call from my potential employer. She wants to have a one-on-one interview now with me on Friday, so this is superb. Now I have to come up with another super fantastic outfit - gaaaah. Haha, as if that is the least of my worries. I can't believe how ultra easy it is to get to this location - barely 10 stops away (7 in fact, I just checked).
I'm actually really excited. I just called my parents, Drew and texted Cat. I can't believe I've been sooo unemployed for so LONG - holy crap. It will be nice to finally afford things again.
This is just another small step onto taking my life to new heights. I also can't believe I was such a mess only 6 months ago.
Oh and my half birthday was just afterValentine's day - I'm almost 26. Not sure how I feel about that. Better now knowing that I may be employed in the very near future.
Fingers crossed!
Pick Me!! Pick Meeee!!!
I hate group interviews, but I guess I sorta saw that coming. At this point I'll take my chances with anything, even retail... I hope like heck I get this. I NEED a job. And one that is going to pay me regular paycheques, and something that I relatively enjoy. And heck, one of the perks is FREE SHOES. I just wish my voice wasn't still raspy from the cold that has been drifting through our house. I think I looked really stupid having to really try to articulate myself... bleh, oh well. Fingers crossed anyway!
I haven't been here in a while - it feels like that anyway. I have had my nose to the grind stone cleaning my room, doing laundry and finding homes for all the stuff that is still in boxes. Going through it all just aggravates me and puts me in a sour mood leaving my roommates to wonder why I'm so pissy all the time.
Then the party happened. I had my reservations about it. Drew came home too. Just too much was going on that I really couldn't enjoy it. Things were breaking, people were throwing liquid everywhere, creepy people were freaking my friends out... I was sober until about 2am - cleaning shit up the entire time because everyone else was too wasted to care. But after I spent an entire week helping make that house sparkle I wasn't going to leave broken glass shards and wine stains all over the house - what a fuckin' bummer. At my own gaddamned party too. Whatever, I just ended up locking myself in my room to furrow my brow for a bit, let it wash over me and get out of my system. I put a fake smile on and rejoined the shenanns. It ended up not being so bad after all. But definitely not how I planned - and when things don't go how I plan them - I get mad. So sue me, whatever.
What was fun was when the Family rejoined us the next day - for lazy Family Day celebrations. We all got toasty by the fire and got mesmerized my the flames. Aitch, Shera, Drew and I went for some grub and beers at Ciros. Cat joined us for a half pint. We watched the server smash an entire bottle of Absinthe on the ground with a couple other expensive liqueurs and glassware.... shitty balls!! Then Aitch's little bro (lowercase "h") came by and hung out for a bit. He raved about how Drew reminded him of Matthew Lillard (which is fine by me because I think that actor is hot as fuck) but from Scream and started saying he was freaking him out. I thought it was hilarious, but I'm not sure Drew felt the same. We still have some communication kinks to work out - but it's improving. Maybe this relationship will last after all.
I haven't been here in a while - it feels like that anyway. I have had my nose to the grind stone cleaning my room, doing laundry and finding homes for all the stuff that is still in boxes. Going through it all just aggravates me and puts me in a sour mood leaving my roommates to wonder why I'm so pissy all the time.
Then the party happened. I had my reservations about it. Drew came home too. Just too much was going on that I really couldn't enjoy it. Things were breaking, people were throwing liquid everywhere, creepy people were freaking my friends out... I was sober until about 2am - cleaning shit up the entire time because everyone else was too wasted to care. But after I spent an entire week helping make that house sparkle I wasn't going to leave broken glass shards and wine stains all over the house - what a fuckin' bummer. At my own gaddamned party too. Whatever, I just ended up locking myself in my room to furrow my brow for a bit, let it wash over me and get out of my system. I put a fake smile on and rejoined the shenanns. It ended up not being so bad after all. But definitely not how I planned - and when things don't go how I plan them - I get mad. So sue me, whatever.
What was fun was when the Family rejoined us the next day - for lazy Family Day celebrations. We all got toasty by the fire and got mesmerized my the flames. Aitch, Shera, Drew and I went for some grub and beers at Ciros. Cat joined us for a half pint. We watched the server smash an entire bottle of Absinthe on the ground with a couple other expensive liqueurs and glassware.... shitty balls!! Then Aitch's little bro (lowercase "h") came by and hung out for a bit. He raved about how Drew reminded him of Matthew Lillard (which is fine by me because I think that actor is hot as fuck) but from Scream and started saying he was freaking him out. I thought it was hilarious, but I'm not sure Drew felt the same. We still have some communication kinks to work out - but it's improving. Maybe this relationship will last after all.Anyway - I'm all fidgety about this interview I just had. I just really want to know if I got it or not. I'm not good at this waiting game....
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Oh the things I wish I could say... [Part 1]
This is what I wish my employer kept in mind when they demoted me to "FLOAT usher" from Senior Student Supervisor and Liaison....
From: http://career-advice.monster.ca/in-the-workplace/work-life-balance/work-spouse-can-improve-your-job-productivity-canada/article.aspx
From: http://career-advice.monster.ca/in-the-workplace/work-life-balance/work-spouse-can-improve-your-job-productivity-canada/article.aspx
A "Work Spouse" Can Improve Your Job Productivity
By the Monster Career Coach
Some people are married to their work. But have you heard of having a “work spouse”?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Roe-Bot-Tic
*phew* what a day... I really haven't done too much in a physical sense. In fact, I've barely moved all day. I almost missed dinner. But I was so involved, so immersed in what I was doing. I was on fire... I just couldn't stop. I'm talking about filling in all the missing information to my website and updating my website so that they flow nicely between the two. There is still a lot to to, but heck... there is only so much I can do before I go buggy-eyed. But I feel that I'm on a good path. I even updated the blog for it.
Anyway, last night was a shit-show. I'm glad I went out. I've been cooped up in this house and Drew's place and funeral homes for far too long. It was nice to just dance like a complete idiot and totally let it rrrrrip! I made an ass of myself I'm sure, but I guess that is what happens when you let the inmates loose from the insane asylum! There was also some definite roommate bonding - that made me happy. We are just getting along fine - this cute lil' _ORTRESS sub-family.... And some fake-sleeping was involved, but I won't divulge anymore because it will only get me into trouble (heh heh - shhhhhhhhhhhh...).
We finally made it to Starving Artist today - HOLY HELL - so goddamned delicious. I want to bathe in hollandaise sauce for forever. It was really what my body needed after a binge like that. I can't believe I pounded back that many beers. Actually - I can, and that's gross. Only because half of it ended up on my clothes - awesome. Guess who's doing laundry tomorrow...
Well, if I'm going to be productive at all - I should stray away from this monitor - it has consumed too many hours of my life today already.
Goodnight phwends.
SLaw
Anyway, last night was a shit-show. I'm glad I went out. I've been cooped up in this house and Drew's place and funeral homes for far too long. It was nice to just dance like a complete idiot and totally let it rrrrrip! I made an ass of myself I'm sure, but I guess that is what happens when you let the inmates loose from the insane asylum! There was also some definite roommate bonding - that made me happy. We are just getting along fine - this cute lil' _ORTRESS sub-family.... And some fake-sleeping was involved, but I won't divulge anymore because it will only get me into trouble (heh heh - shhhhhhhhhhhh...).
We finally made it to Starving Artist today - HOLY HELL - so goddamned delicious. I want to bathe in hollandaise sauce for forever. It was really what my body needed after a binge like that. I can't believe I pounded back that many beers. Actually - I can, and that's gross. Only because half of it ended up on my clothes - awesome. Guess who's doing laundry tomorrow...
Well, if I'm going to be productive at all - I should stray away from this monitor - it has consumed too many hours of my life today already.
Goodnight phwends.
SLaw
Saturday, February 6, 2010
STOP COMPLAINING
I'm going to do my best to stick to it... complaining about my shit really hasn't gotten me anywhere but more pissed off or depressed about my shitty situation. Negative thoughts encourage negative outcomes. I know that sometimes you need a real good rant or else it all can get bottled up and then explode all over the place, and usually right after I just cleaned up.... bleh. But everyday, or every time something just doesn't go exactly as I had planned? No, it truly needs to stop. I need to nurture myself into being more positive and optimistic that things are just going to be okay. I have to encourage myself that I am awesome and I can do awesome things. I have to motivate myself to keep on truckin' with a creative outlook to keep my upright. Despite all the deaths that keep happening I just can't let that break my stride. Baby steps maybe, but none the less progressive - and progression is change that is pretty good in my books.
Today I finally sat down and figured out my Etsy shop. It's official now. I have an online store for my jewellery. Below is my banner from my store...
But there is nothing for sale in it right now. But I finally stopped complaining and stopped procrastinating and actually JUST DID IT. I'm just hashing out all the wordy junk that needs to be there. Then I need to take photographs of my pieces on my models. AND then finally translate it all to the store. I'm a little nervous for my first transaction... so I think I'll just do it myself first to see how it goes, or con my parents to help me out so that I can work out any necessary kinks before I find myself in an awkward situation that leaves me not knowing what to do and frantic to resurrect the situation with my client.
And on a happy-weird note - I came home drunk last night... and proceeded to pass out face down on my mattress, barely undressing. I had gone to the wake of the third death of this year from the same circle of really close friends. The "Tandem" family. But this time we decided to go for a pint at a local pub near the funeral home in Uxbridge - which was also perfect for one last hangout with Drew before he left for Mexico. It was great - I mean I really needed that>>> To go out for beers and tons of laughs. I recall being able to do that in the Ab... but that's all lost to me now. And it was different this time because it was with people who have known me before I was me. They are my parents' friends and remind me of older versions of my friends. We joked about every little dirty or rude thing we could think of that wouldn't scare away the rest of the patrons - but in pure Tandem style we ended up being the last people there, loud and belligerent, throwing limes across the table and being smart asses to the servers. I really didn't want the night to end - but it waaaaaas almost 1am.
And my poor baby... he is now dealing with a death, but so disconnected from being able to mourn with the safe circle of those also affected. I think he might come home from Mexico early. Poor guy. I just have to be there for him now - and that is fine, I want to support him.
AND now I'm going to get ready to dance the night away with some friends that I haven't seen in a while.
So if you ask me, things are pretty good and I have no reason to complain :)
Cheers,
SLaw
Today I finally sat down and figured out my Etsy shop. It's official now. I have an online store for my jewellery. Below is my banner from my store...
And on a happy-weird note - I came home drunk last night... and proceeded to pass out face down on my mattress, barely undressing. I had gone to the wake of the third death of this year from the same circle of really close friends. The "Tandem" family. But this time we decided to go for a pint at a local pub near the funeral home in Uxbridge - which was also perfect for one last hangout with Drew before he left for Mexico. It was great - I mean I really needed that>>> To go out for beers and tons of laughs. I recall being able to do that in the Ab... but that's all lost to me now. And it was different this time because it was with people who have known me before I was me. They are my parents' friends and remind me of older versions of my friends. We joked about every little dirty or rude thing we could think of that wouldn't scare away the rest of the patrons - but in pure Tandem style we ended up being the last people there, loud and belligerent, throwing limes across the table and being smart asses to the servers. I really didn't want the night to end - but it waaaaaas almost 1am.
And my poor baby... he is now dealing with a death, but so disconnected from being able to mourn with the safe circle of those also affected. I think he might come home from Mexico early. Poor guy. I just have to be there for him now - and that is fine, I want to support him.
AND now I'm going to get ready to dance the night away with some friends that I haven't seen in a while.
So if you ask me, things are pretty good and I have no reason to complain :)
Cheers,
SLaw
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Mini Quiches
So last night I drank with the boys. We got all kinds of silly and then made grilled cheese and poured milk all over the place. It was a good night.
But I woke up with a grumbly tummy hungry for food. I decided to make baby quiches out of some tart shells I have been harbouring in the freezer. They are delicious - the only thing is I totally forgot to do is bake the shells before putting the filling in... ooops. So they are a little soggy and doughy on the underside. Maybe once the second batch cooks I'll pop them all back into the oven on a baking sheet and not in the cupcake pan in hopes they'll crisp up a bit. No matter - I'm sure they are still going to be eaten. I'd take a picture to show you how quaint they are - but I have no working camera. *sigh*
Drew will be heading out to Mexico this weekend. I on the other hand will be going to my third funeral this year... I hope that this is the last, they say it comes in threes... I sure as hell hope so.
Well, the dishes await me...
But I woke up with a grumbly tummy hungry for food. I decided to make baby quiches out of some tart shells I have been harbouring in the freezer. They are delicious - the only thing is I totally forgot to do is bake the shells before putting the filling in... ooops. So they are a little soggy and doughy on the underside. Maybe once the second batch cooks I'll pop them all back into the oven on a baking sheet and not in the cupcake pan in hopes they'll crisp up a bit. No matter - I'm sure they are still going to be eaten. I'd take a picture to show you how quaint they are - but I have no working camera. *sigh*
Drew will be heading out to Mexico this weekend. I on the other hand will be going to my third funeral this year... I hope that this is the last, they say it comes in threes... I sure as hell hope so.
Well, the dishes await me...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Alopecia again...
I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but my alopecia is acting up again... It was first brought to my attention that I had this the second year I was VP So/Cul - Now it's happening again and my aunt found a spot during the wake for my uncle. It was already the size of a dime. I thought that it might have been due to the shock and the emotional stress... but that means it only took a few short days to get that way. I've been constantly getting Drew to look at the spot on my head, making sure it's not getting bigger or there are any more patches of baldness. I have to keep an eye on it just in case I need to go to my doctor for reassurance it's nothing more than just stress. But I got to thinking - what if something before that triggered it? Hmmm... I don't see what I was stressed out about before. It makes me wonder what chemicals are lurking under my skin, chemicals that my own body are creating.
So I decided to take a hand mirror to my head and stood in the bathroom. It feels bigger... at least it tingles in a larger area than before - which means it could be spreading and only time will tell if it will go into remission or start making more spots pop up. There is still some straggly hairs in the patch - but I can't tell if that is hair growing back or stuff that is trying its best to hang in there. About a week ago Drew found another tiny spot, but I can't maneuver the mirror in my reflection - my backwards coordination sucks. I'll have to get him to do another once over of my scalp. I don't really mind that I have this. I mean I have incredibly thick hair so it's easy to hide the bald spots, but *sigh* I love my hair and going bald freaks me out a little. It also just feels uncomfortable when I run my fingers across my scalp. And I LOVE getting head rubs or scraping my nails across my skin - it feels sooooo goood - hear my purrrrrrrr.
Oh and if you don't know what Alopecia is there is a definition below - just click:
So I decided to take a hand mirror to my head and stood in the bathroom. It feels bigger... at least it tingles in a larger area than before - which means it could be spreading and only time will tell if it will go into remission or start making more spots pop up. There is still some straggly hairs in the patch - but I can't tell if that is hair growing back or stuff that is trying its best to hang in there. About a week ago Drew found another tiny spot, but I can't maneuver the mirror in my reflection - my backwards coordination sucks. I'll have to get him to do another once over of my scalp. I don't really mind that I have this. I mean I have incredibly thick hair so it's easy to hide the bald spots, but *sigh* I love my hair and going bald freaks me out a little. It also just feels uncomfortable when I run my fingers across my scalp. And I LOVE getting head rubs or scraping my nails across my skin - it feels sooooo goood - hear my purrrrrrrr.
Oh and if you don't know what Alopecia is there is a definition below - just click:
Imma Get PUMPED!
.... and I really want to stick to this... it seems easy enough. I just have to find a way to stay motivated. I tried to get Drew to hop on board with me but he already pooped out, we were supposed to start MONDAY. He wanted to smoke and eat nothing all day instead. And yeah, like I get it, he knows how his body "works".... but then again I'm also sick of hearing him say that he feels like crap, and that all he has eaten is crap,and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and blah-blah-blah-crap... I don't want to have to continually nag him to take care of himself like a healthy adult would, but he has kind of asked me to help him stay on track. I clearly have to find another method of getting through to him... OR it should just be his own responsibility.
Anyway - Armour told me about this site (twohundredsitups.com) and there are links to two hundred squats and one hundred push-ups. All obtainable within six weeks if you stay to the schedule of 30 minutes a week divided into 10 minute work-outs over three days. I mean - what else do I do all day? And I'm finally back at a controllable weight and my clothes fit better now. I think I'll try doing all three simultaneously... So I think I'll do the inital tests by this weekend and then start on Monday - WOO!
Pump it up!
~SLaw
Anyway - Armour told me about this site (twohundredsitups.com) and there are links to two hundred squats and one hundred push-ups. All obtainable within six weeks if you stay to the schedule of 30 minutes a week divided into 10 minute work-outs over three days. I mean - what else do I do all day? And I'm finally back at a controllable weight and my clothes fit better now. I think I'll try doing all three simultaneously... So I think I'll do the inital tests by this weekend and then start on Monday - WOO!
Pump it up!
~SLaw
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
A Rock in a Hard Place
Yesterday Drew and Keyel caught another mouse. Their tactics each time get riskier. First they bought a trap (goodbye Pamplemouse) then they managed to capture one in a plastic bag and flung it off the balcony (goodbye Pamplemouse II) and this time the chopped one in half (goodbye Pamplemouse III... and babies). I have never witnessed anything like it. I laughed and doubted the boys the entire time they banged around brooms and moved appliances around the kitchen. They also found the hole from which they have been coming from other apartments.... so Drew stuffed it closed with steel wool. Eventually I heard a faint desperate squeak and Drew slamming down the broom.
Monday, February 1, 2010
What's a girl to do?
So I just got word of another death... another funeral that I have to attend.
All I can think of is my parents, they must be tired of this... not because they don't want to do this, constantly go to funerals, but after last weekend's big loss I can only imagine that they are mentally exhausted thinking about death. But this is another very close friend to the family. He was one of the first people to show up at the last two funerals I was at and he came to both the viewing and funerals as well... He has also been there for every step of my childhood, adolescence and now young adult-hood. I drew him an amazing picture of a lion for his 50th birthday - his parents loved it, raved about the picture... that is the only way I knew his parents. His mother, Marion Barber passed away on the weekend. I tried looking for her obituary in the paper - but nothing so far... maybe it's hush-hush.
But at least I'll be in Uxbridge on the weekend, I can see Drew before he departs for his vacation in Mexico with his family. Lucky Duck.
All I can think of is my parents, they must be tired of this... not because they don't want to do this, constantly go to funerals, but after last weekend's big loss I can only imagine that they are mentally exhausted thinking about death. But this is another very close friend to the family. He was one of the first people to show up at the last two funerals I was at and he came to both the viewing and funerals as well... He has also been there for every step of my childhood, adolescence and now young adult-hood. I drew him an amazing picture of a lion for his 50th birthday - his parents loved it, raved about the picture... that is the only way I knew his parents. His mother, Marion Barber passed away on the weekend. I tried looking for her obituary in the paper - but nothing so far... maybe it's hush-hush.
But at least I'll be in Uxbridge on the weekend, I can see Drew before he departs for his vacation in Mexico with his family. Lucky Duck.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Why does it feel like starting over?
I really wanted 2010 to be a good year for me. And still think there is a multitude of possibility. But this cloud from the loss of my uncle is just looming. I keep thinking about all that has happened - and it hurts - so I try to stop thinking about it by distracting myself with conversations with friends, movies, cooking, and so on... but it all eventually comes back. I know there is a lot of "letting go" that I need to do - but I'm not ready yet. For some reason letting go seems a lot like forgetting... I know I'll never forget, but I just don't want to let him go just yet. It will come in due time.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The skies are grey...
I don't really know what to think... My brain is so exhausted from everything that happened this weekend and especially on Monday. It all was so completely honest. Everyone was completely honest with their feelings. The minister who performed the service on Monday was a non-denomination minister who specializes in crisis counseling. He was amazing and gave everyone something positive to think about whilst dealing with their grief. To see someone so loved by so many it just made it very clear what compassion my uncle had for those around him. I'm sad that he is physically gone and that I can no longer share memories or receive guidance from him... but he gave us all so much to live on with - we are all going to be okay. It's just the shock, it all being so sudden. But like I said - everyone had only good things to say and it was all honest. Truly honest. It was actually very cleansing - but as I drift back down I feel a little dizzy. I'm not sure where to pick up from... I don't think I'm ready to sleep alone yet... the night before the funeral I had to sleep at my Grandmother's house and I just cried until I couldn't cry anymore and it was just sobbing sounds. I don't want to be left to my own mind, I don't want it to wander - it's just too sad right now. I just fear this will be too much for Drew. I just don't know who else to turn to. Not in this way anyway. I know I have plenty of friends I can turn to, I know this... but not in the way that I'm looking for. Not in the way that Drew can scoop me up and wipe away my troubles. As much as he annoys me and irritates me at times - he just knows me... sometimes better than I know myself. This is why I prod on... I can't let him go, we have too much of a special connection.
Anyway, the sun is trying its best to peek through the clouds today. I'm going to do my best to get out of the apartment and go grocery shopping. Something other than crosswords, and finishing some old paintings... which is great - but I'm BORED. Just getting my body started and going is the hard part.
WHRRrrrrrrrrWHHHRRRrrrrrrrWWWHRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Anyway, the sun is trying its best to peek through the clouds today. I'm going to do my best to get out of the apartment and go grocery shopping. Something other than crosswords, and finishing some old paintings... which is great - but I'm BORED. Just getting my body started and going is the hard part.
WHRRrrrrrrrrWHHHRRRrrrrrrrWWWHRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I want it all to be a Mistake -
Seeing him, it made me bawl and wish it were not true. I didn't realize how much of my life was touched by him and how much apart of his I was - the pictures, there were so many... The nice things his family from Montreal said to us.
It took me a while to find this but... it's my favourite poem for times like these:
It took me a while to find this but... it's my favourite poem for times like these:
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)
Today is a BIG day -
Today is the day...
... the day that the family (and very close friends) get to go to the funeral home and see my Uncle John. This is going to be the hardest part. Right now I've been drifting in and out of disbelief. The news was a shock and it really hasn't sunken in. The thought of him being gone has brought me to tears, but so has empathizing for my Aunty Sue. Reading the Obituary has also proven difficult to accept. But today we actually get to see him in his casket. And on Sunday evening they will be cremating him - not enough time, it's going to happen so quickly. But it is probably for the better to not prolong it.
I remember being there when my grandpa had already passed, he was still laying in his own bed, while we waited for the doctors to come and pick his body up. It was easier to digest - feeling the warmth leave his body, feeling the dead-weight of his limbs - there was no disguising that was gone. But this - this is going to be hard. Part of my mind believes he'll pop out from behind the corner and just be there. Like when I was at his house last night, everyone was there and it just felt like he was out on a walk with the dog - except the dog was sleeping under the table at my feet. I will want to reach out and touch him, hug him... he'll be so cold. Reality's slap in the face will never hurt so much than today.
Drew came to his senses. I had a stern talk with him, I tried to explain I only do it for his own good. He has to deal with life's hard situations at some point in time - running isn't always an option. So he came over last night - I was hoping he'd already be there when I walked in, but as per usual lingered at his place until last minute. Even though I was still pretty cold toward him, it was nice just knowing he was around in case - just in case.
My Dad called me today to tell me the plans for us. He doesn't sound good. He's holding on and trying so hard to keep himself busy. I don't question his methods of dealing, but I just know that I wouldn't be able to survive how he does it. Even when I saw him last night, he just didn't look good. His age really showed and he just looked exhausted. I know emotional stress can be harder for your body to cope with than physical stress - but wow, I just wanted to hug him. But he was busy busy busy, just how he likes it. There is a time and place for everything - my timing will have to be impeccable. My Mom told me that it was Keith and Blair (Aunty Sue's kids) that suggested I should be in the Obituary. I'll have to thank them today. Or some time throughout the duration of all the viewings and the wake and the funeral and so on and so forth.
*Deep Breath In*
*Exhale*
It can be done and it will be done - I will get through this.
... the day that the family (and very close friends) get to go to the funeral home and see my Uncle John. This is going to be the hardest part. Right now I've been drifting in and out of disbelief. The news was a shock and it really hasn't sunken in. The thought of him being gone has brought me to tears, but so has empathizing for my Aunty Sue. Reading the Obituary has also proven difficult to accept. But today we actually get to see him in his casket. And on Sunday evening they will be cremating him - not enough time, it's going to happen so quickly. But it is probably for the better to not prolong it.
I remember being there when my grandpa had already passed, he was still laying in his own bed, while we waited for the doctors to come and pick his body up. It was easier to digest - feeling the warmth leave his body, feeling the dead-weight of his limbs - there was no disguising that was gone. But this - this is going to be hard. Part of my mind believes he'll pop out from behind the corner and just be there. Like when I was at his house last night, everyone was there and it just felt like he was out on a walk with the dog - except the dog was sleeping under the table at my feet. I will want to reach out and touch him, hug him... he'll be so cold. Reality's slap in the face will never hurt so much than today.
Drew came to his senses. I had a stern talk with him, I tried to explain I only do it for his own good. He has to deal with life's hard situations at some point in time - running isn't always an option. So he came over last night - I was hoping he'd already be there when I walked in, but as per usual lingered at his place until last minute. Even though I was still pretty cold toward him, it was nice just knowing he was around in case - just in case.
My Dad called me today to tell me the plans for us. He doesn't sound good. He's holding on and trying so hard to keep himself busy. I don't question his methods of dealing, but I just know that I wouldn't be able to survive how he does it. Even when I saw him last night, he just didn't look good. His age really showed and he just looked exhausted. I know emotional stress can be harder for your body to cope with than physical stress - but wow, I just wanted to hug him. But he was busy busy busy, just how he likes it. There is a time and place for everything - my timing will have to be impeccable. My Mom told me that it was Keith and Blair (Aunty Sue's kids) that suggested I should be in the Obituary. I'll have to thank them today. Or some time throughout the duration of all the viewings and the wake and the funeral and so on and so forth.
*Deep Breath In*
*Exhale*
It can be done and it will be done - I will get through this.
Friday, January 22, 2010
True Colours
My heart is heavy. I have received many phone calls, text messages, emails - all which are very nice and appreciated, Thank You.... I hope everyone knows that. It's times like these that people's true colours show.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
May He Rest in Peace...
I am at a loss of words.
Today has been rough. I wish I was given something to do, something to help. Sitting idly by wondering what's happening is killing me. The mental torment has been leaving me with swollen eyes and pounding headaches. I've tried to just close my eyes and sleep the day away so I don't have to think about anything....
I've just lay in bed, nothing is interesting or motivating (and not that I expect it to either). I've attempted to do the butt-load of dishes I left behind from yesterday's girl-gathering. I just broke down and cried. I've attempted to bead and tidy my room, but all I can think about is the last time I saw him and the last few things we got to say to each other and all the times I brushed off attempts to spend time together... I know I'm only beating myself up, but these are my coping mechanisms.
I've attempted to call people today - especially in my times of desperate need - but there is nothing to say. I'm just sad. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad that Aunty Sue must feel all alone now and has had to deal with more than her fair share. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him the last time we saw each other (which was at his mother-in-law's funeral a week ago)... so I've just avoided all calls today and hung up any dialed numbers. Thank you to everyone who has called and has been able to lend a hand in any small way. I may not tell you I appreciate it, but I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just called my mom to be updated. I was tormented enough... they were just leaving the funeral home and helping my Aunt back to her house. Mom told me that it went relatively easy, there will be a family and close friends viewing and service on Saturday, Sunday will be the viewing for the public and Monday is the funeral. I suppose tomorrow I will be getting on a GO train to Ajax, but time will tell what the specific details are. My poor Aunty Sue... everytime I think of her I get choked up. I'm so sorry Aunty Sue.
Before we ended our call, my mom said that Aunty Sue had already submitted the obituary to the papers. My uncle never had any kids of his own, but loved his step-sons, so she put their names in. Then my Mom started to cry........ my aunt also included:
"Proud Godfather of Stephanie Law"
it broke my heart.......... *sob*
I will miss you so much Uncle John, I really hope you are proud of me. I hope that you know that I love you so very much and your guidance has been nothing but perfect.
Today has been rough. I wish I was given something to do, something to help. Sitting idly by wondering what's happening is killing me. The mental torment has been leaving me with swollen eyes and pounding headaches. I've tried to just close my eyes and sleep the day away so I don't have to think about anything....
I've just lay in bed, nothing is interesting or motivating (and not that I expect it to either). I've attempted to do the butt-load of dishes I left behind from yesterday's girl-gathering. I just broke down and cried. I've attempted to bead and tidy my room, but all I can think about is the last time I saw him and the last few things we got to say to each other and all the times I brushed off attempts to spend time together... I know I'm only beating myself up, but these are my coping mechanisms.
I've attempted to call people today - especially in my times of desperate need - but there is nothing to say. I'm just sad. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad that Aunty Sue must feel all alone now and has had to deal with more than her fair share. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him the last time we saw each other (which was at his mother-in-law's funeral a week ago)... so I've just avoided all calls today and hung up any dialed numbers. Thank you to everyone who has called and has been able to lend a hand in any small way. I may not tell you I appreciate it, but I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just called my mom to be updated. I was tormented enough... they were just leaving the funeral home and helping my Aunt back to her house. Mom told me that it went relatively easy, there will be a family and close friends viewing and service on Saturday, Sunday will be the viewing for the public and Monday is the funeral. I suppose tomorrow I will be getting on a GO train to Ajax, but time will tell what the specific details are. My poor Aunty Sue... everytime I think of her I get choked up. I'm so sorry Aunty Sue.
Before we ended our call, my mom said that Aunty Sue had already submitted the obituary to the papers. My uncle never had any kids of his own, but loved his step-sons, so she put their names in. Then my Mom started to cry........ my aunt also included:
"Proud Godfather of Stephanie Law"
it broke my heart.......... *sob*
I will miss you so much Uncle John, I really hope you are proud of me. I hope that you know that I love you so very much and your guidance has been nothing but perfect.
This is just a Test - BUT - It's your FINAL Exam.
There must be some sort of higher being - and I'm not saying it's god...
This just can't be coincidence... Some thing or some one is out there testing me. Testing my ability to hold it together. What is the end result I wonder? What is the purpose? What is the goal, the aim? I've done my best and I'm still doing my best... I'm getting tired of treading water all the time, I'm so tired.... I want to feel solid ground under my feet. I want to stand - with confidence.
I just got off the phone with my dad. I knew something was up. I wish I hadn't had all the drinks I've ingested tonight. I'd probably be dealing with this differently. Probably not as well put together - but I wouldn't be so skeptical either.
I have never heard him so choked up. I knew right away it was bad. Not what I was expecting either. My ears started ringing and my head started spinning. I didn't know what to say... I feel like a complete dummy. I was on my way, getting ready to go out and dance. I feel like an emotionless rock. I don't know what to do. I cried a little, it didn't feel right, forced almost. I wiped my tears and sent Amy and Gord on their way.
I am in shock right now.
I called Drew, to tell him he was being lame for not going out tonight and doing laundry. I only poked fun because I wanted him to know I was okay and that I could go out and do things without him. What a dunce I am. Then I got a voice mail... it was my dad. Normally I would have dismissed it until the morning... but the urgency in his voice made me call him right away.
And the way he asked me where I was and if I were sitting down.... and how composed he tried to be for me, as if I needed the strength. My father is a good man, I poured all my love into that conversation. I wish I had something better to say than "call me in the morning". I was so - LOST.
I'm trying to see the positive... well not the positive... but I'm trying not to dive right into the depths of the negative and ask the question of "WHY??!!??" Because I do want to know WHY? Why the hell would - COULD - this happen... for what reason is this a rational outcome?? Why has this happened? Why would this ever happen to a family, twice - so soon!!??
Death is never rational.
My godfather just died of a heart attack a few hours ago.
I'll be even more off the radar for a while - and please don't pity me. That's the last thing I want to hear.
This just can't be coincidence... Some thing or some one is out there testing me. Testing my ability to hold it together. What is the end result I wonder? What is the purpose? What is the goal, the aim? I've done my best and I'm still doing my best... I'm getting tired of treading water all the time, I'm so tired.... I want to feel solid ground under my feet. I want to stand - with confidence.
I just got off the phone with my dad. I knew something was up. I wish I hadn't had all the drinks I've ingested tonight. I'd probably be dealing with this differently. Probably not as well put together - but I wouldn't be so skeptical either.
I have never heard him so choked up. I knew right away it was bad. Not what I was expecting either. My ears started ringing and my head started spinning. I didn't know what to say... I feel like a complete dummy. I was on my way, getting ready to go out and dance. I feel like an emotionless rock. I don't know what to do. I cried a little, it didn't feel right, forced almost. I wiped my tears and sent Amy and Gord on their way.
I am in shock right now.
I called Drew, to tell him he was being lame for not going out tonight and doing laundry. I only poked fun because I wanted him to know I was okay and that I could go out and do things without him. What a dunce I am. Then I got a voice mail... it was my dad. Normally I would have dismissed it until the morning... but the urgency in his voice made me call him right away.
And the way he asked me where I was and if I were sitting down.... and how composed he tried to be for me, as if I needed the strength. My father is a good man, I poured all my love into that conversation. I wish I had something better to say than "call me in the morning". I was so - LOST.
I'm trying to see the positive... well not the positive... but I'm trying not to dive right into the depths of the negative and ask the question of "WHY??!!??" Because I do want to know WHY? Why the hell would - COULD - this happen... for what reason is this a rational outcome?? Why has this happened? Why would this ever happen to a family, twice - so soon!!??
Death is never rational.
My godfather just died of a heart attack a few hours ago.
I'll be even more off the radar for a while - and please don't pity me. That's the last thing I want to hear.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Practice makes perfect.
I'm contemplating having a nap - but it's almost half past eight.... no point. Might as well just head to bed and call it a day. I stayed up WAY too late last night. I didn't realize it was so late when I finally hit the pillow.
Drew and I went to a movie last night, Sherlock Holmes. On much better terms than the last time we saw a movie (Avatar - in 3D!!). Needless to say we worked it out. I'm apprehensive, but so is he. We are being very cautious this time, and making sure we look for all signals of when things go bad so we can fix it. It feels different. I'm not sure how to describe it.... "taken down a few pegs" is what comes to mind, but even then... I'm not sure that is even it at all... When I look at Drew, there is a different feeling for him. Right down to the way I love him is different. I still love him, but his eyes say something back to me that isn't familiar. Kissing him is different. I'm not so hopeless anymore, like I'd die without him around me. And it's not that I ever thought that way before but I do think my feelings really got ahead of me and lead everyone around me to believe that was the case - including Drew. That's why I had to but the breaks on and take a step back... everything just had to catch up.
Drew and I went to a movie last night, Sherlock Holmes. On much better terms than the last time we saw a movie (Avatar - in 3D!!). Needless to say we worked it out. I'm apprehensive, but so is he. We are being very cautious this time, and making sure we look for all signals of when things go bad so we can fix it. It feels different. I'm not sure how to describe it.... "taken down a few pegs" is what comes to mind, but even then... I'm not sure that is even it at all... When I look at Drew, there is a different feeling for him. Right down to the way I love him is different. I still love him, but his eyes say something back to me that isn't familiar. Kissing him is different. I'm not so hopeless anymore, like I'd die without him around me. And it's not that I ever thought that way before but I do think my feelings really got ahead of me and lead everyone around me to believe that was the case - including Drew. That's why I had to but the breaks on and take a step back... everything just had to catch up.
Friday, January 15, 2010
You're Fired - *CHEERS* - It's Over...
So yeah... dreams do come true if you stick to your guns...
AND WE DID!
Cat really stood up for us. I'm not really sure what happened - it's all a blur - and to be honest... it's better that way anyway. Emotions and personal feelings aside - it's a shame... but heck, I don't like being treated like that (that = being taken advantage of). It is a feeling that I am all too familiar with and I've learned my lesson.
BASICALLY - Jonah "fired" us... but I really wouldn't say that he did that. He kept us at the end of his rope, begging us to come back, he'd pay any price we asked for... so when we let our guard down he snipped the end of the rope and let us fall... What a liar. But whatever, I'm not the one with self-esteem issues or control problems. If anything is a goddamned BLESSING!! I don't have to work for anus-holes anymore.
Oh and by the by - YOU CAN'T FIRE VOLUNTEERS!! You can only ask them to go away - AND WE DID - WITH PLEASURE.
But on the rougher side of things... I'm sitting here whirling with confusion. I think Drew tried to break up with me. My heart is wrecking havoc on the rest of my body. I need to sleep on it. I don't want it to be over. But I did vow that if it were meant to be... well then, it's time to move on. It's just so hard - I don't want to let go just yet. I want to give it another shot. I want to prove that I am a good person and I'm am right for you. I know it's been hard, but I'm letting go (ever so slowly) of the old me, the bad habits, the self pity, the inner hate.... I'm learning how to be real again. I just hope that you'll hang in there with me, you've seen me through the worst of it. So all I can think is up from here.
Drew and I have planned to talk it through - really hash it out - on Saturday.
*Fingers Crossed*
~SLaw
AND WE DID!
Cat really stood up for us. I'm not really sure what happened - it's all a blur - and to be honest... it's better that way anyway. Emotions and personal feelings aside - it's a shame... but heck, I don't like being treated like that (that = being taken advantage of). It is a feeling that I am all too familiar with and I've learned my lesson.
BASICALLY - Jonah "fired" us... but I really wouldn't say that he did that. He kept us at the end of his rope, begging us to come back, he'd pay any price we asked for... so when we let our guard down he snipped the end of the rope and let us fall... What a liar. But whatever, I'm not the one with self-esteem issues or control problems. If anything is a goddamned BLESSING!! I don't have to work for anus-holes anymore.
Oh and by the by - YOU CAN'T FIRE VOLUNTEERS!! You can only ask them to go away - AND WE DID - WITH PLEASURE.
But on the rougher side of things... I'm sitting here whirling with confusion. I think Drew tried to break up with me. My heart is wrecking havoc on the rest of my body. I need to sleep on it. I don't want it to be over. But I did vow that if it were meant to be... well then, it's time to move on. It's just so hard - I don't want to let go just yet. I want to give it another shot. I want to prove that I am a good person and I'm am right for you. I know it's been hard, but I'm letting go (ever so slowly) of the old me, the bad habits, the self pity, the inner hate.... I'm learning how to be real again. I just hope that you'll hang in there with me, you've seen me through the worst of it. So all I can think is up from here.
Drew and I have planned to talk it through - really hash it out - on Saturday.
*Fingers Crossed*
~SLaw
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Its called M-U-T-U-A-L R-E-S-P-E-C-T Anus-Holes...
Okay most times I can put up with a lot of shit. A TON of shit actually. But not when you constantly push the boundaries of mutual respect. And the respect for my peers. Especially if they so happen to be my roommate and best friend. I would love to say that working on Angels in America is going well. It's a great time with Cat in the booth, we really enjoy working together, we have consented that we like giving back to our community through artistic avenues. And with this theatre company we truly believe they have so much potential to be something great... but there is this "mystical cloud" hanging over them and it never changes. Last time we worked on their shows (for Edmond and American Buffalo) there were so many times we angrily retreated to the booth and recited lines of how we were going to walk out on them. But we never did. We were like everyone else involved with them that never had the balls, never had the guts to stand up and say they can't stand being treated like a piece of crap. AND ALL OF THIS IS VOLUNTEER. If they were in the professional world (because clearly they AREN'T - they think they are, but they are NOT... for so many reason I won't get into right now....) no one would put up with their crap..... ugh... I'm not going to let this show ruin my good times... I'm just not... I just had to get that out - vent a little. Cat at least got to bitch the director's wife out for a good 20 minutes on our behalf...
I encourage you to read on... but only if you can handle slightly offensive things towards "religion".... any by offensive - don't be so sensitive... its just a drawing that clearly conveys how I'm feeling right now....
I encourage you to read on... but only if you can handle slightly offensive things towards "religion".... any by offensive - don't be so sensitive... its just a drawing that clearly conveys how I'm feeling right now....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
And then, some people just got it right....
I am just so completely jealous of their lifestyle. This is what I dream of....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Last Day Off.
So, I decided not to go to class today. I have a headache I'm trying to get rid of before the show tonight because it'll only get worse sitting up there in the booth. My stomach is still a little off - man, I just can't bounce back like I used to. My body is literally saying "WTF??!!??" and is trying to reset to its original settings. So, fuck it, too bad for the guest speaker in class today - I NEED TO RECOUP!!
Last night I called all of our lovely volunteers who will be ushering our shows (Shera, Amy and Drew) to reconfirm location and times and that they are still able to help out. We just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Fridays. Anyone interested? Anyone know anyone who wants to see a production of Angels in America for FREE? If so, lemme know!
Yeah, Drew is volunteering for us... at first I was against it. But then we couldn't find someone to replace the Saturday shows... So I decided - I can be civil - I can make this work. I will just have to adjust this circumstance to the break. So I called him, he sounded surprised when he answered. He agreed to the show and I asked him if he had a little time to chat which ended up being over an hour long conversation. It was good, it was mature, it was full of answers and things to ponder. He told me he was glad that we are doing this - gave him some real food for thought. We are still undecided if we are going to get back together though. I miss him so much, but I can let that part of my desire for him give in. I need to be rational. What is best for both of us? We decided that maybe we will limit our time together to just Saturdays until we can go back to being full-time together or full-time not together. I promised I would limit my phone calls to business related things (ie. Angels in America) or emergencies, and same for him. It was one of the nicest conversations I had with Drew since we first started hooking up. It was refreshing and made me confident that no matter what happens in the end, we are both going to be okay.
Tomorrow I start my first day working with Cat at her company. I will be working on commission only, so no regular paycheque. Which I guess is better than nothing. I was hoping to hear back from one of the places that I applied to because I don't want to get so far down the line with Cat's company that I have to turn around and say, "listen, something else came up". But I was honest with her boss from the beginning and said that I'd be clearly communicating with them all along the way, I let him know of the situation I am in. So if I do have to say that, then, well, he shouldn't be surprised. And, also, I can pretty much do this job at any time since I'm not getting paid hourly. That means I can do a lot of correspondence from home and on my schedule. So if it comes around to me getting another job I can still do this one in between - as long as I'm getting packages out there every morning and getting contracts signed at the end of the day. I'm sure things will work out fine in the end.
Alright, time to nourish my body - I have things to do today!!
Last night I called all of our lovely volunteers who will be ushering our shows (Shera, Amy and Drew) to reconfirm location and times and that they are still able to help out. We just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Fridays. Anyone interested? Anyone know anyone who wants to see a production of Angels in America for FREE? If so, lemme know!
Yeah, Drew is volunteering for us... at first I was against it. But then we couldn't find someone to replace the Saturday shows... So I decided - I can be civil - I can make this work. I will just have to adjust this circumstance to the break. So I called him, he sounded surprised when he answered. He agreed to the show and I asked him if he had a little time to chat which ended up being over an hour long conversation. It was good, it was mature, it was full of answers and things to ponder. He told me he was glad that we are doing this - gave him some real food for thought. We are still undecided if we are going to get back together though. I miss him so much, but I can let that part of my desire for him give in. I need to be rational. What is best for both of us? We decided that maybe we will limit our time together to just Saturdays until we can go back to being full-time together or full-time not together. I promised I would limit my phone calls to business related things (ie. Angels in America) or emergencies, and same for him. It was one of the nicest conversations I had with Drew since we first started hooking up. It was refreshing and made me confident that no matter what happens in the end, we are both going to be okay.
Tomorrow I start my first day working with Cat at her company. I will be working on commission only, so no regular paycheque. Which I guess is better than nothing. I was hoping to hear back from one of the places that I applied to because I don't want to get so far down the line with Cat's company that I have to turn around and say, "listen, something else came up". But I was honest with her boss from the beginning and said that I'd be clearly communicating with them all along the way, I let him know of the situation I am in. So if I do have to say that, then, well, he shouldn't be surprised. And, also, I can pretty much do this job at any time since I'm not getting paid hourly. That means I can do a lot of correspondence from home and on my schedule. So if it comes around to me getting another job I can still do this one in between - as long as I'm getting packages out there every morning and getting contracts signed at the end of the day. I'm sure things will work out fine in the end.
Alright, time to nourish my body - I have things to do today!!
Monday, January 11, 2010
*{BARF}*
uuuuuuuuuuuuuhg.... all day, that's all I did.
I feel really shriveled from expelling all that waste via my mouth. I had to ask Cat to open my ginger ale and the pickle jar and anything else I wanted to try to eat tonight. But LAST NIGHT was a blast.
Last night Amy came over for a girls' night in getting intoxicated, watching porn on Gordo's computer and making "Bath Soup". You know, soup that looks so good you want to fill an entire bath tub full of it and climb in with the veggies. But I'm never letting Amy and Cat peer pressure me into drinking that much on an empty stomach, OR letting them pour my drinks - HAHA, but it was soooo necessary. I had so much fun. I haven't laughed and smiled like that in a while. What a good time... until, that is, I started puking.
I almost broke down and called Drew though. In a moment of weakness when I was crying on the bathroom floor I wanted to hear his voice tell me it was going to be okay... I even dialed the number and hung up before the first ring. So I just imagined his voice, and his sweet words and it calmed me down. I got up off the floor and went and lay in my bed only to puke in the garbage can beside my bed. Over 12 hours of vomiting... that can't be healthy.
I have class tomorrow and Angels in America opens that evening. I hope I feel decent enough to drag my ass out of bed and onto transit. I think I'll take the Keele bus again.
Well, I guess that's all...
Until next time,
SLaw
I feel really shriveled from expelling all that waste via my mouth. I had to ask Cat to open my ginger ale and the pickle jar and anything else I wanted to try to eat tonight. But LAST NIGHT was a blast.
Last night Amy came over for a girls' night in getting intoxicated, watching porn on Gordo's computer and making "Bath Soup". You know, soup that looks so good you want to fill an entire bath tub full of it and climb in with the veggies. But I'm never letting Amy and Cat peer pressure me into drinking that much on an empty stomach, OR letting them pour my drinks - HAHA, but it was soooo necessary. I had so much fun. I haven't laughed and smiled like that in a while. What a good time... until, that is, I started puking.
I almost broke down and called Drew though. In a moment of weakness when I was crying on the bathroom floor I wanted to hear his voice tell me it was going to be okay... I even dialed the number and hung up before the first ring. So I just imagined his voice, and his sweet words and it calmed me down. I got up off the floor and went and lay in my bed only to puke in the garbage can beside my bed. Over 12 hours of vomiting... that can't be healthy.
I have class tomorrow and Angels in America opens that evening. I hope I feel decent enough to drag my ass out of bed and onto transit. I think I'll take the Keele bus again.
Well, I guess that's all...
Until next time,
SLaw
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Break Back On
I knew something wasn't right. I knew it was only a quick fix. We tried... it didn't work out as well as we had hoped. That's okay, I just didn't have enough strength to stick to my intuition. Love is a funny thing, a strange thing... It can blind you, make you think you're on the right path... but then it hits you - and you're not.
I just did something very difficult. I'm actually surprised at my strength this time. I'm actually surprised with Drew's compliance. It scares me though, that he agreed so easily - well not so easily, it's hard for him too, but that we just knew it was the right thing to do. I'm scared for the outcome. But I can't think of it that way... I have to think of the larger picture - my happiness and well being. If it turns out that Drew and I aren't meant to be together, sure it's going to hurt, a lot too, but in the end I'm going got be better off and happier for it in the long run, and I'm sure so will he. Maybe right now is not our time, maybe we went too fast, maybe it will work out better for us to be just friends, maybe we will be able to make a better commitment later in life. Ultimately I want to be with him now - to feel the security of our relationship - but it's not realistic right now. I have have to be open - AND WILLING - to any possibility. This will be the hardest part, this will be the true testament to my strength as an individual. I also have to be prepared for us to to come to different conclusions. I have to be willing to accept that even though in the end I really do want to continue our relationship Drew may NOT. And vice versa. Essentially the decision has to be unanimous if we want to stay together and that we have to be willing to communicate as adults. I'm sure this time apart will give us a clearer perspective on what we want as individuals and in relationships. At least it will be civil. Not an angry, crazy emotion filled blow out that leaves us both confused and riled up.
We gave each other some homework. Some things to think about during this time of absence from each other. We have to clearly define what "friend" means and then what "boy/girlfriend" means and their differences. I personally think that it will help us find the answers to our problems. It will help us outline what we expect from a relationship and what is the extend of what we are willing to commit to another person. I just hope Drew actually does this. And if he doesn't, OH WELL, he just gave me the clearest answer that he's not ready for a relationship with me. I told him in our Last Converstation that I'm not just doing this for me. I'm also doing this for his own good too. I truly believe in his happiness. And I know both of us aren't happy right now. And even in the end if we don't work out, at least he'll be a little more prepared for his next relationship. He'll have a clearer idea of what he wants, what he needs, what he expects and what's he's willing to give - not such a guessing game. He can avoid the wasted time and investment and most of all heart ache.
It's unfortunate that we realized so late in the game that we are on different pages. Drew still thinks of himself as an individual, I on the other hand think in terms of "we". Neither mode of thinking is incorrect or more right. They are what they are - DIFFERENT. And sometimes people can just live with it, sometimes couples can find a happy medium, sometimes one is willing to completely change themselves for the other. Drew and I are none of the above. We believe so much in our own values and morals and principles that this clash is something very difficult for us to overcome. It's not wrong, or bad, it just IS our situation. It is realistic. It can get emotional, it can get heated, it can get ridiculous - but this is what happens when two people clash. It's human nature. The only thing we can try to do is find a solution that is the least detrimental. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone around us, to everyone that has been affected by our quarrel. We don't mean to get you involved, but it's just so difficult when one has such lovely friends that I do, friends who invest so much in each others' lives. But please bare with us, try to understand what we are tring to do and don't treat us any differently. It's just a difficult time right now and we're working on a solution.
And if you're reading this Drew, I still love you. You will always hold a special place with me. I hope we both gain something from this and I never meant to burden you. Be well, be safe, be happy.
Much love,
Steph
I just did something very difficult. I'm actually surprised at my strength this time. I'm actually surprised with Drew's compliance. It scares me though, that he agreed so easily - well not so easily, it's hard for him too, but that we just knew it was the right thing to do. I'm scared for the outcome. But I can't think of it that way... I have to think of the larger picture - my happiness and well being. If it turns out that Drew and I aren't meant to be together, sure it's going to hurt, a lot too, but in the end I'm going got be better off and happier for it in the long run, and I'm sure so will he. Maybe right now is not our time, maybe we went too fast, maybe it will work out better for us to be just friends, maybe we will be able to make a better commitment later in life. Ultimately I want to be with him now - to feel the security of our relationship - but it's not realistic right now. I have have to be open - AND WILLING - to any possibility. This will be the hardest part, this will be the true testament to my strength as an individual. I also have to be prepared for us to to come to different conclusions. I have to be willing to accept that even though in the end I really do want to continue our relationship Drew may NOT. And vice versa. Essentially the decision has to be unanimous if we want to stay together and that we have to be willing to communicate as adults. I'm sure this time apart will give us a clearer perspective on what we want as individuals and in relationships. At least it will be civil. Not an angry, crazy emotion filled blow out that leaves us both confused and riled up.
We gave each other some homework. Some things to think about during this time of absence from each other. We have to clearly define what "friend" means and then what "boy/girlfriend" means and their differences. I personally think that it will help us find the answers to our problems. It will help us outline what we expect from a relationship and what is the extend of what we are willing to commit to another person. I just hope Drew actually does this. And if he doesn't, OH WELL, he just gave me the clearest answer that he's not ready for a relationship with me. I told him in our Last Converstation that I'm not just doing this for me. I'm also doing this for his own good too. I truly believe in his happiness. And I know both of us aren't happy right now. And even in the end if we don't work out, at least he'll be a little more prepared for his next relationship. He'll have a clearer idea of what he wants, what he needs, what he expects and what's he's willing to give - not such a guessing game. He can avoid the wasted time and investment and most of all heart ache.
It's unfortunate that we realized so late in the game that we are on different pages. Drew still thinks of himself as an individual, I on the other hand think in terms of "we". Neither mode of thinking is incorrect or more right. They are what they are - DIFFERENT. And sometimes people can just live with it, sometimes couples can find a happy medium, sometimes one is willing to completely change themselves for the other. Drew and I are none of the above. We believe so much in our own values and morals and principles that this clash is something very difficult for us to overcome. It's not wrong, or bad, it just IS our situation. It is realistic. It can get emotional, it can get heated, it can get ridiculous - but this is what happens when two people clash. It's human nature. The only thing we can try to do is find a solution that is the least detrimental. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone around us, to everyone that has been affected by our quarrel. We don't mean to get you involved, but it's just so difficult when one has such lovely friends that I do, friends who invest so much in each others' lives. But please bare with us, try to understand what we are tring to do and don't treat us any differently. It's just a difficult time right now and we're working on a solution.
And if you're reading this Drew, I still love you. You will always hold a special place with me. I hope we both gain something from this and I never meant to burden you. Be well, be safe, be happy.
Much love,
Steph
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Mini update to cure my restlessness....
I feel a little restless today - like I want to do MORE.
So much happened this morning that I missed breakfast and I'm on my way to missing lunch. I have to make something, my beautiful kitchen is going to waste.
I am steps away from having my Etsy account activated so that I can sell my jewellery online. I'm shaking with anticipation!! I just want it to happen now!! I hope all goes well and all my application hoo-haa goes through without a hitch. My website is looking ultra lame... I haven't updated it in ages. I need some new photos, so LADIES I'm turning to you to be my models... Time to sort through the stuff I have made and get my but in gear to get my SPRING collection organized.
Our three days of tech are starting tonight for Angels in America. I'm a little disappointed that the second part of the show was canceled. I started reading the script, doesn't look too hard for ques or set changes... I just wish I really knew where the heck this theatre was in the Distillery.... Cat will guide me. Crap... if I think about it, I have to leave the house in about 2 1/2 hours... goddamn... where did my day go?
Today is Flu's bday - we are having a costume party at his place, I hope Cat and I will actually make it. Thank goodness we live ultra close to each other now.
MMmmmmmmm okay, I think this is enough of being still in front of my computer - time to go run around and get things DONE!
So much happened this morning that I missed breakfast and I'm on my way to missing lunch. I have to make something, my beautiful kitchen is going to waste.
I am steps away from having my Etsy account activated so that I can sell my jewellery online. I'm shaking with anticipation!! I just want it to happen now!! I hope all goes well and all my application hoo-haa goes through without a hitch. My website is looking ultra lame... I haven't updated it in ages. I need some new photos, so LADIES I'm turning to you to be my models... Time to sort through the stuff I have made and get my but in gear to get my SPRING collection organized.
Our three days of tech are starting tonight for Angels in America. I'm a little disappointed that the second part of the show was canceled. I started reading the script, doesn't look too hard for ques or set changes... I just wish I really knew where the heck this theatre was in the Distillery.... Cat will guide me. Crap... if I think about it, I have to leave the house in about 2 1/2 hours... goddamn... where did my day go?
Today is Flu's bday - we are having a costume party at his place, I hope Cat and I will actually make it. Thank goodness we live ultra close to each other now.
MMmmmmmmm okay, I think this is enough of being still in front of my computer - time to go run around and get things DONE!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Good Deeds and Christo
"I really feel like I'm too special to be on the backburner. And I think every girl should feel that way."
Yesterday was the first day back to my ONE class. It was way better than I had anticipated. I slept the whole bus ride there... I miss traveling with Dr. Nick, it was guaranteed time for me and him to bond. Now I barely see him - it's okay though, we are just on different paths right now, we'll meet up again soon. Anyway, we talked about "boundaries and borders" as places and spaces in between, and how we take them for granted and how they guide our lives without us even noticing. I like looking at the dotted lines on the road... its all I ever do since I don't drive, that and the hydro wires hanging above in the sky, they seem to dance when you drive really fast... We watched a documentary on Christo (ahem... pardon me - Christo and Jeanne-Claude). I'm jealous of his perfect love story life - all its hardships and obstacles wrapped up in one beautiful ball of fabric. Haha, which is exactly what they do if you are unfamiliar with their work. This documentary was on Pont Neuf in Paris - just fantastic.
Next time he does something (because Jeanne-Claude just passed away from a brain aneurism) and its in affordable traveling distance from me, I'M GOING. I wish I would linger on the topics that this class talks about - I have been very inspired by this Prof. I need to let it flow into my artwork a little more. I want there to be something that moves people other than "oh, that's pretty". That's what art is all about isn't? To create a dialogue, to stir up emotions, to describe events, feelings, or things that words cannot? I'm waiting patiently for my time to come... I have a feelings I'm going to burst when it finally stops snowing out and I can utilize my garden and backyard patio. I'm going to paint everyday if I can. I welcome all of you to join me - the _ORTRESS is sooooo easy to find.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Happy New Year
2009 IS OVER... and thank goodness too because a lot of shitty things happened from my last post to now. And instead of ranting about how bad it was and how hurt I was and blah blah blah, I'm going to keep it to myself. Its OVER....
I'm excited to just forget it all... well, maybe not forget per-say, but more so just put it all behind me. Its over and done with and there is nothing I can do to change what has happened. I want to look to the future now, with a smile on my face to boot. I told Cat on New Year's Eve "The only person who is going to make it an enjoyable night is yourself..." I should eat my words. But there is a stronger message there than just a way to ensure a crazy awesome night. I am the only person who can make this better - this meaning my life. This is my year to be positive and creative and happy and fruitful. I have endured a not-so-great year so I want to make sure that this next one is one that I can rave about instead of complain about. Being so negative is not only being a downer on myself, but those around me. I want to be more considerate. I want to be remembered for more than just a grumpy face. I want people to think, "yeah... she had it all figured out". And even if I don't, I want it to seem that I was overall happy - and really meant it this time. If anything, I want to look back on 2009 and think of it as the year that I made all the mistakes, took all the wrong turns and most importantly that I learned something from it all. So in the end, as "bad" as it may have been, it might just as well have been the most enriching year of my life - because I will know more than ever which direction to head and what to avoid.
I feel very inspired and productive today and over the few new days of the year:
School is almost over for me, I'm now down to one class a week. I will have more time to nurture my creative side, get back in touch with my roots. I'm excited to indulge in my beads once I get them over to my house. The last of the bits that are at Drew's place. It took a long time to get here, but I'm finally here and I'm going to hit this one head on. I did my homework today, I searched for a job, I applied for a credit card, I updated my etsy account so that I can apply to sell things, I did some research about selling things online, I corresponded with my first international customer (got the cheque in the mail today - so happy!!), I declined getting involved with something, I removed an additional 50 items from my wardrobe (the first time was when I moved in and threw out and removed about 30 items) and I'm still looking at ways to nix my tendency to hoard things. I deactivated my facebook account temporarily - it's too distracting and laying low right now is comfortable. I did 100 crunches and did the dishes. I didn't call Drew once today at work, we did chat online a bit, but I think its a good start to putting some healthy space between us. We are not going to "try" to make things better anymore, we are just going to do it.
School is almost over for me, I'm now down to one class a week. I will have more time to nurture my creative side, get back in touch with my roots. I'm excited to indulge in my beads once I get them over to my house. The last of the bits that are at Drew's place. It took a long time to get here, but I'm finally here and I'm going to hit this one head on. I did my homework today, I searched for a job, I applied for a credit card, I updated my etsy account so that I can apply to sell things, I did some research about selling things online, I corresponded with my first international customer (got the cheque in the mail today - so happy!!), I declined getting involved with something, I removed an additional 50 items from my wardrobe (the first time was when I moved in and threw out and removed about 30 items) and I'm still looking at ways to nix my tendency to hoard things. I deactivated my facebook account temporarily - it's too distracting and laying low right now is comfortable. I did 100 crunches and did the dishes. I didn't call Drew once today at work, we did chat online a bit, but I think its a good start to putting some healthy space between us. We are not going to "try" to make things better anymore, we are just going to do it.
In the end, I think things had to go so sour in every direction of my life so that I could appreciate the good times that I did have and have something to strive for.... I know, people told me this would happen. That things would look up and what not. But when you are looking inside someone else's life it's just so much easier to see the problem and point out the solution. When you are looking inside your life, there sometimes can be a pride blockade and you just have to live out the motions - YOU have to wake yourself up and say, "hey!! Smarten up, this isn't you! This isn't how you want to live your life!! Stop making excuses and start making it better!!"
Well, thank you 2010, you just helped me wake up... :)
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