Break Back On

I knew something wasn't right.  I knew it was only a quick fix.  We tried... it didn't work out as well as we had hoped.  That's okay, I just didn't have enough strength to stick to my intuition.  Love is a funny thing, a strange thing... It can blind you, make you think you're on the right path... but then it hits you - and you're not.

I just did something very difficult.  I'm actually surprised at my strength this time.  I'm actually surprised with Drew's compliance.  It scares me though, that he agreed so easily - well not so easily, it's hard for him too, but that we just knew it was the right thing to do.  I'm scared for the outcome.  But I can't think of it that way... I have to think of the larger picture - my happiness and well being.  If it turns out that Drew and I aren't meant to be together, sure it's going to hurt, a lot too, but in the end I'm going got be better off and happier for it in the long run, and I'm sure so will he.  Maybe right now is not our time, maybe we went too fast, maybe it will work out better for us to be just friends, maybe we will be able to make a better commitment later in life.  Ultimately I want to be with him now - to feel the security of our relationship - but it's not realistic right now.  I have have to be open - AND WILLING - to any possibility.  This will be the hardest part, this will be the true testament to my strength as an individual.  I also have to be prepared for us to to come to different conclusions.  I have to be willing to accept that even though in the end I really do want to continue our relationship Drew may NOT. And vice versa.  Essentially the decision has to be unanimous if we want to stay together and that we have to be willing to communicate as adults.  I'm sure this time apart will give us a clearer perspective on what we want as individuals and in relationships.  At least it will be civil.  Not an angry, crazy emotion filled blow out that leaves us both confused and riled up.

We gave each other some homework.  Some things to think about during this time of absence from each other.  We have to clearly define what "friend" means and then what "boy/girlfriend" means and their differences.  I personally think that it will help us find the answers to our problems.  It will help us outline what we expect from a relationship and what is the extend of what we are willing to commit to another person.   I just hope Drew actually does this.  And if he doesn't, OH WELL, he just gave me the clearest answer that he's not ready for a relationship with me.  I told him in our Last Converstation that I'm not just doing this for me.  I'm also doing this for his own good too.  I truly believe in his happiness.  And I know both of us aren't happy right now.  And even in the end if we don't work out, at least he'll be a little more prepared for his next relationship.  He'll have a clearer idea of what he wants, what he needs, what he expects and what's he's willing to give - not such a guessing game.  He can avoid the wasted time and investment and most of all heart ache.

It's unfortunate that we realized so late in the game that we are on different pages.  Drew still thinks of himself as an individual, I on the other hand think in terms of "we".  Neither mode of thinking is incorrect or more right.  They are what they are - DIFFERENT.  And sometimes people can just live with it, sometimes couples can find a happy medium, sometimes one is willing to completely change themselves for the other.  Drew and I are none of the above.  We believe so much in our own values and morals and principles that this clash is something very difficult for us to overcome.  It's not wrong, or bad, it just IS our situation.  It is realistic.  It can get emotional, it can get heated, it can get ridiculous - but this is what happens when two people clash.  It's human nature.  The only thing we can try to do is find a solution that is the least detrimental.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to everyone around us, to everyone that has been affected by our quarrel.  We don't mean to get you involved, but it's just so difficult when one has such lovely friends that I do, friends who invest so much in each others' lives.  But please bare with us, try to understand what we are tring to do and don't treat us any differently.  It's just a difficult time right now and we're working on a solution.

And if you're reading this Drew, I still love you.  You will always hold a special place with me.  I hope we both gain something from this and I never meant to burden you.  Be well, be safe, be happy.

Much love,
Steph