I really wanted 2010 to be a good year for me. And still think there is a multitude of possibility. But this cloud from the loss of my uncle is just looming. I keep thinking about all that has happened - and it hurts - so I try to stop thinking about it by distracting myself with conversations with friends, movies, cooking, and so on... but it all eventually comes back. I know there is a lot of "letting go" that I need to do - but I'm not ready yet. For some reason letting go seems a lot like forgetting... I know I'll never forget, but I just don't want to let him go just yet. It will come in due time.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The skies are grey...
I don't really know what to think... My brain is so exhausted from everything that happened this weekend and especially on Monday. It all was so completely honest. Everyone was completely honest with their feelings. The minister who performed the service on Monday was a non-denomination minister who specializes in crisis counseling. He was amazing and gave everyone something positive to think about whilst dealing with their grief. To see someone so loved by so many it just made it very clear what compassion my uncle had for those around him. I'm sad that he is physically gone and that I can no longer share memories or receive guidance from him... but he gave us all so much to live on with - we are all going to be okay. It's just the shock, it all being so sudden. But like I said - everyone had only good things to say and it was all honest. Truly honest. It was actually very cleansing - but as I drift back down I feel a little dizzy. I'm not sure where to pick up from... I don't think I'm ready to sleep alone yet... the night before the funeral I had to sleep at my Grandmother's house and I just cried until I couldn't cry anymore and it was just sobbing sounds. I don't want to be left to my own mind, I don't want it to wander - it's just too sad right now. I just fear this will be too much for Drew. I just don't know who else to turn to. Not in this way anyway. I know I have plenty of friends I can turn to, I know this... but not in the way that I'm looking for. Not in the way that Drew can scoop me up and wipe away my troubles. As much as he annoys me and irritates me at times - he just knows me... sometimes better than I know myself. This is why I prod on... I can't let him go, we have too much of a special connection.
Anyway, the sun is trying its best to peek through the clouds today. I'm going to do my best to get out of the apartment and go grocery shopping. Something other than crosswords, and finishing some old paintings... which is great - but I'm BORED. Just getting my body started and going is the hard part.
WHRRrrrrrrrrWHHHRRRrrrrrrrWWWHRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Anyway, the sun is trying its best to peek through the clouds today. I'm going to do my best to get out of the apartment and go grocery shopping. Something other than crosswords, and finishing some old paintings... which is great - but I'm BORED. Just getting my body started and going is the hard part.
WHRRrrrrrrrrWHHHRRRrrrrrrrWWWHRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I want it all to be a Mistake -
Seeing him, it made me bawl and wish it were not true. I didn't realize how much of my life was touched by him and how much apart of his I was - the pictures, there were so many... The nice things his family from Montreal said to us.
It took me a while to find this but... it's my favourite poem for times like these:
It took me a while to find this but... it's my favourite poem for times like these:
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)
Today is a BIG day -
Today is the day...
... the day that the family (and very close friends) get to go to the funeral home and see my Uncle John. This is going to be the hardest part. Right now I've been drifting in and out of disbelief. The news was a shock and it really hasn't sunken in. The thought of him being gone has brought me to tears, but so has empathizing for my Aunty Sue. Reading the Obituary has also proven difficult to accept. But today we actually get to see him in his casket. And on Sunday evening they will be cremating him - not enough time, it's going to happen so quickly. But it is probably for the better to not prolong it.
I remember being there when my grandpa had already passed, he was still laying in his own bed, while we waited for the doctors to come and pick his body up. It was easier to digest - feeling the warmth leave his body, feeling the dead-weight of his limbs - there was no disguising that was gone. But this - this is going to be hard. Part of my mind believes he'll pop out from behind the corner and just be there. Like when I was at his house last night, everyone was there and it just felt like he was out on a walk with the dog - except the dog was sleeping under the table at my feet. I will want to reach out and touch him, hug him... he'll be so cold. Reality's slap in the face will never hurt so much than today.
Drew came to his senses. I had a stern talk with him, I tried to explain I only do it for his own good. He has to deal with life's hard situations at some point in time - running isn't always an option. So he came over last night - I was hoping he'd already be there when I walked in, but as per usual lingered at his place until last minute. Even though I was still pretty cold toward him, it was nice just knowing he was around in case - just in case.
My Dad called me today to tell me the plans for us. He doesn't sound good. He's holding on and trying so hard to keep himself busy. I don't question his methods of dealing, but I just know that I wouldn't be able to survive how he does it. Even when I saw him last night, he just didn't look good. His age really showed and he just looked exhausted. I know emotional stress can be harder for your body to cope with than physical stress - but wow, I just wanted to hug him. But he was busy busy busy, just how he likes it. There is a time and place for everything - my timing will have to be impeccable. My Mom told me that it was Keith and Blair (Aunty Sue's kids) that suggested I should be in the Obituary. I'll have to thank them today. Or some time throughout the duration of all the viewings and the wake and the funeral and so on and so forth.
*Deep Breath In*
*Exhale*
It can be done and it will be done - I will get through this.
... the day that the family (and very close friends) get to go to the funeral home and see my Uncle John. This is going to be the hardest part. Right now I've been drifting in and out of disbelief. The news was a shock and it really hasn't sunken in. The thought of him being gone has brought me to tears, but so has empathizing for my Aunty Sue. Reading the Obituary has also proven difficult to accept. But today we actually get to see him in his casket. And on Sunday evening they will be cremating him - not enough time, it's going to happen so quickly. But it is probably for the better to not prolong it.
I remember being there when my grandpa had already passed, he was still laying in his own bed, while we waited for the doctors to come and pick his body up. It was easier to digest - feeling the warmth leave his body, feeling the dead-weight of his limbs - there was no disguising that was gone. But this - this is going to be hard. Part of my mind believes he'll pop out from behind the corner and just be there. Like when I was at his house last night, everyone was there and it just felt like he was out on a walk with the dog - except the dog was sleeping under the table at my feet. I will want to reach out and touch him, hug him... he'll be so cold. Reality's slap in the face will never hurt so much than today.
Drew came to his senses. I had a stern talk with him, I tried to explain I only do it for his own good. He has to deal with life's hard situations at some point in time - running isn't always an option. So he came over last night - I was hoping he'd already be there when I walked in, but as per usual lingered at his place until last minute. Even though I was still pretty cold toward him, it was nice just knowing he was around in case - just in case.
My Dad called me today to tell me the plans for us. He doesn't sound good. He's holding on and trying so hard to keep himself busy. I don't question his methods of dealing, but I just know that I wouldn't be able to survive how he does it. Even when I saw him last night, he just didn't look good. His age really showed and he just looked exhausted. I know emotional stress can be harder for your body to cope with than physical stress - but wow, I just wanted to hug him. But he was busy busy busy, just how he likes it. There is a time and place for everything - my timing will have to be impeccable. My Mom told me that it was Keith and Blair (Aunty Sue's kids) that suggested I should be in the Obituary. I'll have to thank them today. Or some time throughout the duration of all the viewings and the wake and the funeral and so on and so forth.
*Deep Breath In*
*Exhale*
It can be done and it will be done - I will get through this.
Friday, January 22, 2010
True Colours
My heart is heavy. I have received many phone calls, text messages, emails - all which are very nice and appreciated, Thank You.... I hope everyone knows that. It's times like these that people's true colours show.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
May He Rest in Peace...
I am at a loss of words.
Today has been rough. I wish I was given something to do, something to help. Sitting idly by wondering what's happening is killing me. The mental torment has been leaving me with swollen eyes and pounding headaches. I've tried to just close my eyes and sleep the day away so I don't have to think about anything....
I've just lay in bed, nothing is interesting or motivating (and not that I expect it to either). I've attempted to do the butt-load of dishes I left behind from yesterday's girl-gathering. I just broke down and cried. I've attempted to bead and tidy my room, but all I can think about is the last time I saw him and the last few things we got to say to each other and all the times I brushed off attempts to spend time together... I know I'm only beating myself up, but these are my coping mechanisms.
I've attempted to call people today - especially in my times of desperate need - but there is nothing to say. I'm just sad. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad that Aunty Sue must feel all alone now and has had to deal with more than her fair share. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him the last time we saw each other (which was at his mother-in-law's funeral a week ago)... so I've just avoided all calls today and hung up any dialed numbers. Thank you to everyone who has called and has been able to lend a hand in any small way. I may not tell you I appreciate it, but I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just called my mom to be updated. I was tormented enough... they were just leaving the funeral home and helping my Aunt back to her house. Mom told me that it went relatively easy, there will be a family and close friends viewing and service on Saturday, Sunday will be the viewing for the public and Monday is the funeral. I suppose tomorrow I will be getting on a GO train to Ajax, but time will tell what the specific details are. My poor Aunty Sue... everytime I think of her I get choked up. I'm so sorry Aunty Sue.
Before we ended our call, my mom said that Aunty Sue had already submitted the obituary to the papers. My uncle never had any kids of his own, but loved his step-sons, so she put their names in. Then my Mom started to cry........ my aunt also included:
"Proud Godfather of Stephanie Law"
it broke my heart.......... *sob*
I will miss you so much Uncle John, I really hope you are proud of me. I hope that you know that I love you so very much and your guidance has been nothing but perfect.
Today has been rough. I wish I was given something to do, something to help. Sitting idly by wondering what's happening is killing me. The mental torment has been leaving me with swollen eyes and pounding headaches. I've tried to just close my eyes and sleep the day away so I don't have to think about anything....
I've just lay in bed, nothing is interesting or motivating (and not that I expect it to either). I've attempted to do the butt-load of dishes I left behind from yesterday's girl-gathering. I just broke down and cried. I've attempted to bead and tidy my room, but all I can think about is the last time I saw him and the last few things we got to say to each other and all the times I brushed off attempts to spend time together... I know I'm only beating myself up, but these are my coping mechanisms.
I've attempted to call people today - especially in my times of desperate need - but there is nothing to say. I'm just sad. I'm sad he's gone. I'm sad that Aunty Sue must feel all alone now and has had to deal with more than her fair share. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to him the last time we saw each other (which was at his mother-in-law's funeral a week ago)... so I've just avoided all calls today and hung up any dialed numbers. Thank you to everyone who has called and has been able to lend a hand in any small way. I may not tell you I appreciate it, but I do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I just called my mom to be updated. I was tormented enough... they were just leaving the funeral home and helping my Aunt back to her house. Mom told me that it went relatively easy, there will be a family and close friends viewing and service on Saturday, Sunday will be the viewing for the public and Monday is the funeral. I suppose tomorrow I will be getting on a GO train to Ajax, but time will tell what the specific details are. My poor Aunty Sue... everytime I think of her I get choked up. I'm so sorry Aunty Sue.
Before we ended our call, my mom said that Aunty Sue had already submitted the obituary to the papers. My uncle never had any kids of his own, but loved his step-sons, so she put their names in. Then my Mom started to cry........ my aunt also included:
"Proud Godfather of Stephanie Law"
it broke my heart.......... *sob*
I will miss you so much Uncle John, I really hope you are proud of me. I hope that you know that I love you so very much and your guidance has been nothing but perfect.
This is just a Test - BUT - It's your FINAL Exam.
There must be some sort of higher being - and I'm not saying it's god...
This just can't be coincidence... Some thing or some one is out there testing me. Testing my ability to hold it together. What is the end result I wonder? What is the purpose? What is the goal, the aim? I've done my best and I'm still doing my best... I'm getting tired of treading water all the time, I'm so tired.... I want to feel solid ground under my feet. I want to stand - with confidence.
I just got off the phone with my dad. I knew something was up. I wish I hadn't had all the drinks I've ingested tonight. I'd probably be dealing with this differently. Probably not as well put together - but I wouldn't be so skeptical either.
I have never heard him so choked up. I knew right away it was bad. Not what I was expecting either. My ears started ringing and my head started spinning. I didn't know what to say... I feel like a complete dummy. I was on my way, getting ready to go out and dance. I feel like an emotionless rock. I don't know what to do. I cried a little, it didn't feel right, forced almost. I wiped my tears and sent Amy and Gord on their way.
I am in shock right now.
I called Drew, to tell him he was being lame for not going out tonight and doing laundry. I only poked fun because I wanted him to know I was okay and that I could go out and do things without him. What a dunce I am. Then I got a voice mail... it was my dad. Normally I would have dismissed it until the morning... but the urgency in his voice made me call him right away.
And the way he asked me where I was and if I were sitting down.... and how composed he tried to be for me, as if I needed the strength. My father is a good man, I poured all my love into that conversation. I wish I had something better to say than "call me in the morning". I was so - LOST.
I'm trying to see the positive... well not the positive... but I'm trying not to dive right into the depths of the negative and ask the question of "WHY??!!??" Because I do want to know WHY? Why the hell would - COULD - this happen... for what reason is this a rational outcome?? Why has this happened? Why would this ever happen to a family, twice - so soon!!??
Death is never rational.
My godfather just died of a heart attack a few hours ago.
I'll be even more off the radar for a while - and please don't pity me. That's the last thing I want to hear.
This just can't be coincidence... Some thing or some one is out there testing me. Testing my ability to hold it together. What is the end result I wonder? What is the purpose? What is the goal, the aim? I've done my best and I'm still doing my best... I'm getting tired of treading water all the time, I'm so tired.... I want to feel solid ground under my feet. I want to stand - with confidence.
I just got off the phone with my dad. I knew something was up. I wish I hadn't had all the drinks I've ingested tonight. I'd probably be dealing with this differently. Probably not as well put together - but I wouldn't be so skeptical either.
I have never heard him so choked up. I knew right away it was bad. Not what I was expecting either. My ears started ringing and my head started spinning. I didn't know what to say... I feel like a complete dummy. I was on my way, getting ready to go out and dance. I feel like an emotionless rock. I don't know what to do. I cried a little, it didn't feel right, forced almost. I wiped my tears and sent Amy and Gord on their way.
I am in shock right now.
I called Drew, to tell him he was being lame for not going out tonight and doing laundry. I only poked fun because I wanted him to know I was okay and that I could go out and do things without him. What a dunce I am. Then I got a voice mail... it was my dad. Normally I would have dismissed it until the morning... but the urgency in his voice made me call him right away.
And the way he asked me where I was and if I were sitting down.... and how composed he tried to be for me, as if I needed the strength. My father is a good man, I poured all my love into that conversation. I wish I had something better to say than "call me in the morning". I was so - LOST.
I'm trying to see the positive... well not the positive... but I'm trying not to dive right into the depths of the negative and ask the question of "WHY??!!??" Because I do want to know WHY? Why the hell would - COULD - this happen... for what reason is this a rational outcome?? Why has this happened? Why would this ever happen to a family, twice - so soon!!??
Death is never rational.
My godfather just died of a heart attack a few hours ago.
I'll be even more off the radar for a while - and please don't pity me. That's the last thing I want to hear.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Practice makes perfect.
I'm contemplating having a nap - but it's almost half past eight.... no point. Might as well just head to bed and call it a day. I stayed up WAY too late last night. I didn't realize it was so late when I finally hit the pillow.
Drew and I went to a movie last night, Sherlock Holmes. On much better terms than the last time we saw a movie (Avatar - in 3D!!). Needless to say we worked it out. I'm apprehensive, but so is he. We are being very cautious this time, and making sure we look for all signals of when things go bad so we can fix it. It feels different. I'm not sure how to describe it.... "taken down a few pegs" is what comes to mind, but even then... I'm not sure that is even it at all... When I look at Drew, there is a different feeling for him. Right down to the way I love him is different. I still love him, but his eyes say something back to me that isn't familiar. Kissing him is different. I'm not so hopeless anymore, like I'd die without him around me. And it's not that I ever thought that way before but I do think my feelings really got ahead of me and lead everyone around me to believe that was the case - including Drew. That's why I had to but the breaks on and take a step back... everything just had to catch up.
Drew and I went to a movie last night, Sherlock Holmes. On much better terms than the last time we saw a movie (Avatar - in 3D!!). Needless to say we worked it out. I'm apprehensive, but so is he. We are being very cautious this time, and making sure we look for all signals of when things go bad so we can fix it. It feels different. I'm not sure how to describe it.... "taken down a few pegs" is what comes to mind, but even then... I'm not sure that is even it at all... When I look at Drew, there is a different feeling for him. Right down to the way I love him is different. I still love him, but his eyes say something back to me that isn't familiar. Kissing him is different. I'm not so hopeless anymore, like I'd die without him around me. And it's not that I ever thought that way before but I do think my feelings really got ahead of me and lead everyone around me to believe that was the case - including Drew. That's why I had to but the breaks on and take a step back... everything just had to catch up.
Friday, January 15, 2010
You're Fired - *CHEERS* - It's Over...
So yeah... dreams do come true if you stick to your guns...
AND WE DID!
Cat really stood up for us. I'm not really sure what happened - it's all a blur - and to be honest... it's better that way anyway. Emotions and personal feelings aside - it's a shame... but heck, I don't like being treated like that (that = being taken advantage of). It is a feeling that I am all too familiar with and I've learned my lesson.
BASICALLY - Jonah "fired" us... but I really wouldn't say that he did that. He kept us at the end of his rope, begging us to come back, he'd pay any price we asked for... so when we let our guard down he snipped the end of the rope and let us fall... What a liar. But whatever, I'm not the one with self-esteem issues or control problems. If anything is a goddamned BLESSING!! I don't have to work for anus-holes anymore.
Oh and by the by - YOU CAN'T FIRE VOLUNTEERS!! You can only ask them to go away - AND WE DID - WITH PLEASURE.
But on the rougher side of things... I'm sitting here whirling with confusion. I think Drew tried to break up with me. My heart is wrecking havoc on the rest of my body. I need to sleep on it. I don't want it to be over. But I did vow that if it were meant to be... well then, it's time to move on. It's just so hard - I don't want to let go just yet. I want to give it another shot. I want to prove that I am a good person and I'm am right for you. I know it's been hard, but I'm letting go (ever so slowly) of the old me, the bad habits, the self pity, the inner hate.... I'm learning how to be real again. I just hope that you'll hang in there with me, you've seen me through the worst of it. So all I can think is up from here.
Drew and I have planned to talk it through - really hash it out - on Saturday.
*Fingers Crossed*
~SLaw
AND WE DID!
Cat really stood up for us. I'm not really sure what happened - it's all a blur - and to be honest... it's better that way anyway. Emotions and personal feelings aside - it's a shame... but heck, I don't like being treated like that (that = being taken advantage of). It is a feeling that I am all too familiar with and I've learned my lesson.
BASICALLY - Jonah "fired" us... but I really wouldn't say that he did that. He kept us at the end of his rope, begging us to come back, he'd pay any price we asked for... so when we let our guard down he snipped the end of the rope and let us fall... What a liar. But whatever, I'm not the one with self-esteem issues or control problems. If anything is a goddamned BLESSING!! I don't have to work for anus-holes anymore.
Oh and by the by - YOU CAN'T FIRE VOLUNTEERS!! You can only ask them to go away - AND WE DID - WITH PLEASURE.
But on the rougher side of things... I'm sitting here whirling with confusion. I think Drew tried to break up with me. My heart is wrecking havoc on the rest of my body. I need to sleep on it. I don't want it to be over. But I did vow that if it were meant to be... well then, it's time to move on. It's just so hard - I don't want to let go just yet. I want to give it another shot. I want to prove that I am a good person and I'm am right for you. I know it's been hard, but I'm letting go (ever so slowly) of the old me, the bad habits, the self pity, the inner hate.... I'm learning how to be real again. I just hope that you'll hang in there with me, you've seen me through the worst of it. So all I can think is up from here.
Drew and I have planned to talk it through - really hash it out - on Saturday.
*Fingers Crossed*
~SLaw
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Its called M-U-T-U-A-L R-E-S-P-E-C-T Anus-Holes...
Okay most times I can put up with a lot of shit. A TON of shit actually. But not when you constantly push the boundaries of mutual respect. And the respect for my peers. Especially if they so happen to be my roommate and best friend. I would love to say that working on Angels in America is going well. It's a great time with Cat in the booth, we really enjoy working together, we have consented that we like giving back to our community through artistic avenues. And with this theatre company we truly believe they have so much potential to be something great... but there is this "mystical cloud" hanging over them and it never changes. Last time we worked on their shows (for Edmond and American Buffalo) there were so many times we angrily retreated to the booth and recited lines of how we were going to walk out on them. But we never did. We were like everyone else involved with them that never had the balls, never had the guts to stand up and say they can't stand being treated like a piece of crap. AND ALL OF THIS IS VOLUNTEER. If they were in the professional world (because clearly they AREN'T - they think they are, but they are NOT... for so many reason I won't get into right now....) no one would put up with their crap..... ugh... I'm not going to let this show ruin my good times... I'm just not... I just had to get that out - vent a little. Cat at least got to bitch the director's wife out for a good 20 minutes on our behalf...
I encourage you to read on... but only if you can handle slightly offensive things towards "religion".... any by offensive - don't be so sensitive... its just a drawing that clearly conveys how I'm feeling right now....
I encourage you to read on... but only if you can handle slightly offensive things towards "religion".... any by offensive - don't be so sensitive... its just a drawing that clearly conveys how I'm feeling right now....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
And then, some people just got it right....
I am just so completely jealous of their lifestyle. This is what I dream of....
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Last Day Off.
So, I decided not to go to class today. I have a headache I'm trying to get rid of before the show tonight because it'll only get worse sitting up there in the booth. My stomach is still a little off - man, I just can't bounce back like I used to. My body is literally saying "WTF??!!??" and is trying to reset to its original settings. So, fuck it, too bad for the guest speaker in class today - I NEED TO RECOUP!!
Last night I called all of our lovely volunteers who will be ushering our shows (Shera, Amy and Drew) to reconfirm location and times and that they are still able to help out. We just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Fridays. Anyone interested? Anyone know anyone who wants to see a production of Angels in America for FREE? If so, lemme know!
Yeah, Drew is volunteering for us... at first I was against it. But then we couldn't find someone to replace the Saturday shows... So I decided - I can be civil - I can make this work. I will just have to adjust this circumstance to the break. So I called him, he sounded surprised when he answered. He agreed to the show and I asked him if he had a little time to chat which ended up being over an hour long conversation. It was good, it was mature, it was full of answers and things to ponder. He told me he was glad that we are doing this - gave him some real food for thought. We are still undecided if we are going to get back together though. I miss him so much, but I can let that part of my desire for him give in. I need to be rational. What is best for both of us? We decided that maybe we will limit our time together to just Saturdays until we can go back to being full-time together or full-time not together. I promised I would limit my phone calls to business related things (ie. Angels in America) or emergencies, and same for him. It was one of the nicest conversations I had with Drew since we first started hooking up. It was refreshing and made me confident that no matter what happens in the end, we are both going to be okay.
Tomorrow I start my first day working with Cat at her company. I will be working on commission only, so no regular paycheque. Which I guess is better than nothing. I was hoping to hear back from one of the places that I applied to because I don't want to get so far down the line with Cat's company that I have to turn around and say, "listen, something else came up". But I was honest with her boss from the beginning and said that I'd be clearly communicating with them all along the way, I let him know of the situation I am in. So if I do have to say that, then, well, he shouldn't be surprised. And, also, I can pretty much do this job at any time since I'm not getting paid hourly. That means I can do a lot of correspondence from home and on my schedule. So if it comes around to me getting another job I can still do this one in between - as long as I'm getting packages out there every morning and getting contracts signed at the end of the day. I'm sure things will work out fine in the end.
Alright, time to nourish my body - I have things to do today!!
Last night I called all of our lovely volunteers who will be ushering our shows (Shera, Amy and Drew) to reconfirm location and times and that they are still able to help out. We just need to find someone for Tuesdays and Fridays. Anyone interested? Anyone know anyone who wants to see a production of Angels in America for FREE? If so, lemme know!
Yeah, Drew is volunteering for us... at first I was against it. But then we couldn't find someone to replace the Saturday shows... So I decided - I can be civil - I can make this work. I will just have to adjust this circumstance to the break. So I called him, he sounded surprised when he answered. He agreed to the show and I asked him if he had a little time to chat which ended up being over an hour long conversation. It was good, it was mature, it was full of answers and things to ponder. He told me he was glad that we are doing this - gave him some real food for thought. We are still undecided if we are going to get back together though. I miss him so much, but I can let that part of my desire for him give in. I need to be rational. What is best for both of us? We decided that maybe we will limit our time together to just Saturdays until we can go back to being full-time together or full-time not together. I promised I would limit my phone calls to business related things (ie. Angels in America) or emergencies, and same for him. It was one of the nicest conversations I had with Drew since we first started hooking up. It was refreshing and made me confident that no matter what happens in the end, we are both going to be okay.
Tomorrow I start my first day working with Cat at her company. I will be working on commission only, so no regular paycheque. Which I guess is better than nothing. I was hoping to hear back from one of the places that I applied to because I don't want to get so far down the line with Cat's company that I have to turn around and say, "listen, something else came up". But I was honest with her boss from the beginning and said that I'd be clearly communicating with them all along the way, I let him know of the situation I am in. So if I do have to say that, then, well, he shouldn't be surprised. And, also, I can pretty much do this job at any time since I'm not getting paid hourly. That means I can do a lot of correspondence from home and on my schedule. So if it comes around to me getting another job I can still do this one in between - as long as I'm getting packages out there every morning and getting contracts signed at the end of the day. I'm sure things will work out fine in the end.
Alright, time to nourish my body - I have things to do today!!
Monday, January 11, 2010
*{BARF}*
uuuuuuuuuuuuuhg.... all day, that's all I did.
I feel really shriveled from expelling all that waste via my mouth. I had to ask Cat to open my ginger ale and the pickle jar and anything else I wanted to try to eat tonight. But LAST NIGHT was a blast.
Last night Amy came over for a girls' night in getting intoxicated, watching porn on Gordo's computer and making "Bath Soup". You know, soup that looks so good you want to fill an entire bath tub full of it and climb in with the veggies. But I'm never letting Amy and Cat peer pressure me into drinking that much on an empty stomach, OR letting them pour my drinks - HAHA, but it was soooo necessary. I had so much fun. I haven't laughed and smiled like that in a while. What a good time... until, that is, I started puking.
I almost broke down and called Drew though. In a moment of weakness when I was crying on the bathroom floor I wanted to hear his voice tell me it was going to be okay... I even dialed the number and hung up before the first ring. So I just imagined his voice, and his sweet words and it calmed me down. I got up off the floor and went and lay in my bed only to puke in the garbage can beside my bed. Over 12 hours of vomiting... that can't be healthy.
I have class tomorrow and Angels in America opens that evening. I hope I feel decent enough to drag my ass out of bed and onto transit. I think I'll take the Keele bus again.
Well, I guess that's all...
Until next time,
SLaw
I feel really shriveled from expelling all that waste via my mouth. I had to ask Cat to open my ginger ale and the pickle jar and anything else I wanted to try to eat tonight. But LAST NIGHT was a blast.
Last night Amy came over for a girls' night in getting intoxicated, watching porn on Gordo's computer and making "Bath Soup". You know, soup that looks so good you want to fill an entire bath tub full of it and climb in with the veggies. But I'm never letting Amy and Cat peer pressure me into drinking that much on an empty stomach, OR letting them pour my drinks - HAHA, but it was soooo necessary. I had so much fun. I haven't laughed and smiled like that in a while. What a good time... until, that is, I started puking.
I almost broke down and called Drew though. In a moment of weakness when I was crying on the bathroom floor I wanted to hear his voice tell me it was going to be okay... I even dialed the number and hung up before the first ring. So I just imagined his voice, and his sweet words and it calmed me down. I got up off the floor and went and lay in my bed only to puke in the garbage can beside my bed. Over 12 hours of vomiting... that can't be healthy.
I have class tomorrow and Angels in America opens that evening. I hope I feel decent enough to drag my ass out of bed and onto transit. I think I'll take the Keele bus again.
Well, I guess that's all...
Until next time,
SLaw
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Break Back On
I knew something wasn't right. I knew it was only a quick fix. We tried... it didn't work out as well as we had hoped. That's okay, I just didn't have enough strength to stick to my intuition. Love is a funny thing, a strange thing... It can blind you, make you think you're on the right path... but then it hits you - and you're not.
I just did something very difficult. I'm actually surprised at my strength this time. I'm actually surprised with Drew's compliance. It scares me though, that he agreed so easily - well not so easily, it's hard for him too, but that we just knew it was the right thing to do. I'm scared for the outcome. But I can't think of it that way... I have to think of the larger picture - my happiness and well being. If it turns out that Drew and I aren't meant to be together, sure it's going to hurt, a lot too, but in the end I'm going got be better off and happier for it in the long run, and I'm sure so will he. Maybe right now is not our time, maybe we went too fast, maybe it will work out better for us to be just friends, maybe we will be able to make a better commitment later in life. Ultimately I want to be with him now - to feel the security of our relationship - but it's not realistic right now. I have have to be open - AND WILLING - to any possibility. This will be the hardest part, this will be the true testament to my strength as an individual. I also have to be prepared for us to to come to different conclusions. I have to be willing to accept that even though in the end I really do want to continue our relationship Drew may NOT. And vice versa. Essentially the decision has to be unanimous if we want to stay together and that we have to be willing to communicate as adults. I'm sure this time apart will give us a clearer perspective on what we want as individuals and in relationships. At least it will be civil. Not an angry, crazy emotion filled blow out that leaves us both confused and riled up.
We gave each other some homework. Some things to think about during this time of absence from each other. We have to clearly define what "friend" means and then what "boy/girlfriend" means and their differences. I personally think that it will help us find the answers to our problems. It will help us outline what we expect from a relationship and what is the extend of what we are willing to commit to another person. I just hope Drew actually does this. And if he doesn't, OH WELL, he just gave me the clearest answer that he's not ready for a relationship with me. I told him in our Last Converstation that I'm not just doing this for me. I'm also doing this for his own good too. I truly believe in his happiness. And I know both of us aren't happy right now. And even in the end if we don't work out, at least he'll be a little more prepared for his next relationship. He'll have a clearer idea of what he wants, what he needs, what he expects and what's he's willing to give - not such a guessing game. He can avoid the wasted time and investment and most of all heart ache.
It's unfortunate that we realized so late in the game that we are on different pages. Drew still thinks of himself as an individual, I on the other hand think in terms of "we". Neither mode of thinking is incorrect or more right. They are what they are - DIFFERENT. And sometimes people can just live with it, sometimes couples can find a happy medium, sometimes one is willing to completely change themselves for the other. Drew and I are none of the above. We believe so much in our own values and morals and principles that this clash is something very difficult for us to overcome. It's not wrong, or bad, it just IS our situation. It is realistic. It can get emotional, it can get heated, it can get ridiculous - but this is what happens when two people clash. It's human nature. The only thing we can try to do is find a solution that is the least detrimental. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone around us, to everyone that has been affected by our quarrel. We don't mean to get you involved, but it's just so difficult when one has such lovely friends that I do, friends who invest so much in each others' lives. But please bare with us, try to understand what we are tring to do and don't treat us any differently. It's just a difficult time right now and we're working on a solution.
And if you're reading this Drew, I still love you. You will always hold a special place with me. I hope we both gain something from this and I never meant to burden you. Be well, be safe, be happy.
Much love,
Steph
I just did something very difficult. I'm actually surprised at my strength this time. I'm actually surprised with Drew's compliance. It scares me though, that he agreed so easily - well not so easily, it's hard for him too, but that we just knew it was the right thing to do. I'm scared for the outcome. But I can't think of it that way... I have to think of the larger picture - my happiness and well being. If it turns out that Drew and I aren't meant to be together, sure it's going to hurt, a lot too, but in the end I'm going got be better off and happier for it in the long run, and I'm sure so will he. Maybe right now is not our time, maybe we went too fast, maybe it will work out better for us to be just friends, maybe we will be able to make a better commitment later in life. Ultimately I want to be with him now - to feel the security of our relationship - but it's not realistic right now. I have have to be open - AND WILLING - to any possibility. This will be the hardest part, this will be the true testament to my strength as an individual. I also have to be prepared for us to to come to different conclusions. I have to be willing to accept that even though in the end I really do want to continue our relationship Drew may NOT. And vice versa. Essentially the decision has to be unanimous if we want to stay together and that we have to be willing to communicate as adults. I'm sure this time apart will give us a clearer perspective on what we want as individuals and in relationships. At least it will be civil. Not an angry, crazy emotion filled blow out that leaves us both confused and riled up.
We gave each other some homework. Some things to think about during this time of absence from each other. We have to clearly define what "friend" means and then what "boy/girlfriend" means and their differences. I personally think that it will help us find the answers to our problems. It will help us outline what we expect from a relationship and what is the extend of what we are willing to commit to another person. I just hope Drew actually does this. And if he doesn't, OH WELL, he just gave me the clearest answer that he's not ready for a relationship with me. I told him in our Last Converstation that I'm not just doing this for me. I'm also doing this for his own good too. I truly believe in his happiness. And I know both of us aren't happy right now. And even in the end if we don't work out, at least he'll be a little more prepared for his next relationship. He'll have a clearer idea of what he wants, what he needs, what he expects and what's he's willing to give - not such a guessing game. He can avoid the wasted time and investment and most of all heart ache.
It's unfortunate that we realized so late in the game that we are on different pages. Drew still thinks of himself as an individual, I on the other hand think in terms of "we". Neither mode of thinking is incorrect or more right. They are what they are - DIFFERENT. And sometimes people can just live with it, sometimes couples can find a happy medium, sometimes one is willing to completely change themselves for the other. Drew and I are none of the above. We believe so much in our own values and morals and principles that this clash is something very difficult for us to overcome. It's not wrong, or bad, it just IS our situation. It is realistic. It can get emotional, it can get heated, it can get ridiculous - but this is what happens when two people clash. It's human nature. The only thing we can try to do is find a solution that is the least detrimental. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone around us, to everyone that has been affected by our quarrel. We don't mean to get you involved, but it's just so difficult when one has such lovely friends that I do, friends who invest so much in each others' lives. But please bare with us, try to understand what we are tring to do and don't treat us any differently. It's just a difficult time right now and we're working on a solution.
And if you're reading this Drew, I still love you. You will always hold a special place with me. I hope we both gain something from this and I never meant to burden you. Be well, be safe, be happy.
Much love,
Steph
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Mini update to cure my restlessness....
I feel a little restless today - like I want to do MORE.
So much happened this morning that I missed breakfast and I'm on my way to missing lunch. I have to make something, my beautiful kitchen is going to waste.
I am steps away from having my Etsy account activated so that I can sell my jewellery online. I'm shaking with anticipation!! I just want it to happen now!! I hope all goes well and all my application hoo-haa goes through without a hitch. My website is looking ultra lame... I haven't updated it in ages. I need some new photos, so LADIES I'm turning to you to be my models... Time to sort through the stuff I have made and get my but in gear to get my SPRING collection organized.
Our three days of tech are starting tonight for Angels in America. I'm a little disappointed that the second part of the show was canceled. I started reading the script, doesn't look too hard for ques or set changes... I just wish I really knew where the heck this theatre was in the Distillery.... Cat will guide me. Crap... if I think about it, I have to leave the house in about 2 1/2 hours... goddamn... where did my day go?
Today is Flu's bday - we are having a costume party at his place, I hope Cat and I will actually make it. Thank goodness we live ultra close to each other now.
MMmmmmmmm okay, I think this is enough of being still in front of my computer - time to go run around and get things DONE!
So much happened this morning that I missed breakfast and I'm on my way to missing lunch. I have to make something, my beautiful kitchen is going to waste.
I am steps away from having my Etsy account activated so that I can sell my jewellery online. I'm shaking with anticipation!! I just want it to happen now!! I hope all goes well and all my application hoo-haa goes through without a hitch. My website is looking ultra lame... I haven't updated it in ages. I need some new photos, so LADIES I'm turning to you to be my models... Time to sort through the stuff I have made and get my but in gear to get my SPRING collection organized.
Our three days of tech are starting tonight for Angels in America. I'm a little disappointed that the second part of the show was canceled. I started reading the script, doesn't look too hard for ques or set changes... I just wish I really knew where the heck this theatre was in the Distillery.... Cat will guide me. Crap... if I think about it, I have to leave the house in about 2 1/2 hours... goddamn... where did my day go?
Today is Flu's bday - we are having a costume party at his place, I hope Cat and I will actually make it. Thank goodness we live ultra close to each other now.
MMmmmmmmm okay, I think this is enough of being still in front of my computer - time to go run around and get things DONE!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Good Deeds and Christo
"I really feel like I'm too special to be on the backburner. And I think every girl should feel that way."
Yesterday was the first day back to my ONE class. It was way better than I had anticipated. I slept the whole bus ride there... I miss traveling with Dr. Nick, it was guaranteed time for me and him to bond. Now I barely see him - it's okay though, we are just on different paths right now, we'll meet up again soon. Anyway, we talked about "boundaries and borders" as places and spaces in between, and how we take them for granted and how they guide our lives without us even noticing. I like looking at the dotted lines on the road... its all I ever do since I don't drive, that and the hydro wires hanging above in the sky, they seem to dance when you drive really fast... We watched a documentary on Christo (ahem... pardon me - Christo and Jeanne-Claude). I'm jealous of his perfect love story life - all its hardships and obstacles wrapped up in one beautiful ball of fabric. Haha, which is exactly what they do if you are unfamiliar with their work. This documentary was on Pont Neuf in Paris - just fantastic.
Next time he does something (because Jeanne-Claude just passed away from a brain aneurism) and its in affordable traveling distance from me, I'M GOING. I wish I would linger on the topics that this class talks about - I have been very inspired by this Prof. I need to let it flow into my artwork a little more. I want there to be something that moves people other than "oh, that's pretty". That's what art is all about isn't? To create a dialogue, to stir up emotions, to describe events, feelings, or things that words cannot? I'm waiting patiently for my time to come... I have a feelings I'm going to burst when it finally stops snowing out and I can utilize my garden and backyard patio. I'm going to paint everyday if I can. I welcome all of you to join me - the _ORTRESS is sooooo easy to find.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Happy New Year
2009 IS OVER... and thank goodness too because a lot of shitty things happened from my last post to now. And instead of ranting about how bad it was and how hurt I was and blah blah blah, I'm going to keep it to myself. Its OVER....
I'm excited to just forget it all... well, maybe not forget per-say, but more so just put it all behind me. Its over and done with and there is nothing I can do to change what has happened. I want to look to the future now, with a smile on my face to boot. I told Cat on New Year's Eve "The only person who is going to make it an enjoyable night is yourself..." I should eat my words. But there is a stronger message there than just a way to ensure a crazy awesome night. I am the only person who can make this better - this meaning my life. This is my year to be positive and creative and happy and fruitful. I have endured a not-so-great year so I want to make sure that this next one is one that I can rave about instead of complain about. Being so negative is not only being a downer on myself, but those around me. I want to be more considerate. I want to be remembered for more than just a grumpy face. I want people to think, "yeah... she had it all figured out". And even if I don't, I want it to seem that I was overall happy - and really meant it this time. If anything, I want to look back on 2009 and think of it as the year that I made all the mistakes, took all the wrong turns and most importantly that I learned something from it all. So in the end, as "bad" as it may have been, it might just as well have been the most enriching year of my life - because I will know more than ever which direction to head and what to avoid.
I feel very inspired and productive today and over the few new days of the year:
School is almost over for me, I'm now down to one class a week. I will have more time to nurture my creative side, get back in touch with my roots. I'm excited to indulge in my beads once I get them over to my house. The last of the bits that are at Drew's place. It took a long time to get here, but I'm finally here and I'm going to hit this one head on. I did my homework today, I searched for a job, I applied for a credit card, I updated my etsy account so that I can apply to sell things, I did some research about selling things online, I corresponded with my first international customer (got the cheque in the mail today - so happy!!), I declined getting involved with something, I removed an additional 50 items from my wardrobe (the first time was when I moved in and threw out and removed about 30 items) and I'm still looking at ways to nix my tendency to hoard things. I deactivated my facebook account temporarily - it's too distracting and laying low right now is comfortable. I did 100 crunches and did the dishes. I didn't call Drew once today at work, we did chat online a bit, but I think its a good start to putting some healthy space between us. We are not going to "try" to make things better anymore, we are just going to do it.
School is almost over for me, I'm now down to one class a week. I will have more time to nurture my creative side, get back in touch with my roots. I'm excited to indulge in my beads once I get them over to my house. The last of the bits that are at Drew's place. It took a long time to get here, but I'm finally here and I'm going to hit this one head on. I did my homework today, I searched for a job, I applied for a credit card, I updated my etsy account so that I can apply to sell things, I did some research about selling things online, I corresponded with my first international customer (got the cheque in the mail today - so happy!!), I declined getting involved with something, I removed an additional 50 items from my wardrobe (the first time was when I moved in and threw out and removed about 30 items) and I'm still looking at ways to nix my tendency to hoard things. I deactivated my facebook account temporarily - it's too distracting and laying low right now is comfortable. I did 100 crunches and did the dishes. I didn't call Drew once today at work, we did chat online a bit, but I think its a good start to putting some healthy space between us. We are not going to "try" to make things better anymore, we are just going to do it.
In the end, I think things had to go so sour in every direction of my life so that I could appreciate the good times that I did have and have something to strive for.... I know, people told me this would happen. That things would look up and what not. But when you are looking inside someone else's life it's just so much easier to see the problem and point out the solution. When you are looking inside your life, there sometimes can be a pride blockade and you just have to live out the motions - YOU have to wake yourself up and say, "hey!! Smarten up, this isn't you! This isn't how you want to live your life!! Stop making excuses and start making it better!!"
Well, thank you 2010, you just helped me wake up... :)
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