The spaces in between...

I can't quite describe how I feel right now... My stomach feels uneasy.  Now, I don't know if that is just because I haven't eaten anything but a granola bar today or if it's part of why I can't seem to step foot out of Drew's apartment.

I had a great day yesterday.  Drew spent the whole day with me.  It was so nice, that feeling of security, knowing he was doing his best to make sure I had an awesome time.  He got me pretty drunk, bought me a fab present and walked me home to put me to bed.

I'm glad Cat is home, it was too quiet and uninteresting without her around.  I felt no need to be home when she was gone, so I neglected the house.  But the Ortress will be full tonight, with people brimming to see her - and get their gifts she brought back from Japan.

But still, as the sun is shining and the birds are chirping...  I feel nothing but a bland feeling.  I'm unimpressed, a little depressed and really lonely and I don't want to face the world.  Work called in, they are short staffed... I really don't want to be there right now, so I ignored the call.  I'm not scheduled OR on-call... so I don't feel that I should be available to them.  That attitude is how I feel in general.  And me just sitting here moping is doing nothing but feeding this feeling and making it grow.  It's not a big deal, but I just wish my mood matched the weather.

Anyway, I need to go to the bank to get Cat the rest of my rent money.  I didn't quite make it on my own, but it WAS only three weeks of pay that I have received so far.  And I'm trying to keep my credit card balance at a nice obtainable $100 each bill... I would rather it be at zero but I just can't do it this month.

On a brighter note, school is done for me.... I only have to submit this last paper and I'm DONE FOREVER.  Thank god... I don't think I could stand anymore York University if I tried.  SHIT, I was supposed to go pick up a loaner hood from Sarah at UECR today...  but since my family is bickering and unhappy, I won't rush.  I was only getting a BA hood so that I could take pictures with my grandmother.  But family right now is a whole OTHER story that I just won't get into.

Let's just leave it at - I'm so glad for my chosen family.

Woah - it's March

Haven't updated in a while... the ending of February was a bit of a flash... I don't know if it was because there are less days or because there was so much going on that I didn't notice time was ticking by.  I've been updating my personal journal more lately.  I don't really feel I can put down exactly what I'm feeling anymore without fear of someone reading it and taking me aside to talk about my behavior.  gaaaaaaaah...  I feel I'm holding my tongue more and more these days.  But I'm not one for confrontation, so it's my own fault for compromising my feelings for silence.  Maybe I'll just go camp out at Drew's for a bit - no one goes there anyways.  Maybe I'll use my reclusive time to get back to work with my website.  I haven't put a single piece of jewellery up for sale yet.  My pictures aren't amazing - I'm actually really unimpressed with what I have shot.  And maybe I can set up the tripod and take some pics with me in the jewellery.  I think I'd be happier if I had shots with models.  I was going to ask my friends to be in it, but it's been hard to cooridinate - and the lighting in my house is really shitty.  Etsy has just... sorta slipped through my fingers.  I was sooo gung-ho about the account and then things just sorta snowballed.  Drew went away, so I didn't go to his house to use his computer, I got a job, I planned Katherine's birthday, my family went out of their way to reconnect with me, school is coming to an end, I had my graduation pictures taken, Drew and I went to a wedding..... and here I sit less than thrilled.  Just a looming feeling today.  People are freaking out over little things and I just don't want to be part of it.  I don't even want to talk about it... done.

On the upside - I have been spending time with friends a lot recently.  Family day was a good start.  And then our surprise trip to see Erin and the Winters crew who were also in Montreal.  It was an amazing lil' getaway.  Katherine's bday was good, a little stressful, but still fun - and I got to hang with a bunch of peeps I haven't seen in ages.  Then people have just been over at our house pretty much non-stop.  Which is great, but I'm running out of cash to buy food and booze all the time.  I feel like I want to start harbouring stuff in my room so that I have something for myself at the end of the day.  I have been constantly going out to party and to go to bars - my room is also a disaster from me constantly running out the door, getting wasted and then being too lazy to want to do anything but laze around and enjoy the little sunshine we have been graced with.  I try to be low-key person, but let's be honest - FAT CHANCE!!! Hahaha....

Well, I saw a bumble bee the other day.  To me that's a sign of spring.  I want to see if I can get away with not wearing my Winter coat anymore.  Today crushed my dreams.  It looks dreary.  Well, this is a nice distraction from my homework - I best get back.

~SLaw