Its all changing...

...but that's okay.

I'm normally one to embrace change, heck, usually I enforce it. So why do I feel like everything is caving in around me? I feel like I'm lost and things are happening too fast... Perhaps its because I want change in my life too and currently things are still the same. Perhaps I'm jealous, perhaps I want to turn the page and start anew too, perhaps I just need to take a closer look. The thought of trying to see the upside of all of this is exhausting... but that's okay.

Lolo came back today. We tried to get the same lunch time but were sternly told no. There were too many people away in the office. I looked up the job posting the Executive Officer told me about, it was in fact a work/study position. And I also looked up eligibility... you have to demonstrate financial need by submitting an OSAP application and to be full time, meaning at least nine credits each term... I'm only enrolled in 9 total. And you have to be a full time student to be eligible for OSAP - guh!! The thought of giving up my position to someone new, someone who has no idea about the system and someone who has no idea how to schedule over 100 students at once, it made my blood curdle. I worked too hard at fine tuning that position to have it all fall apart. I was encouraged to apply to YUTA for a temp job. Getting a job on campus used to be so easy for me... but that's okay.

Today I ran some errands for the office, I dropped off some important packages to some long serving faculty. The majority of my deliveries so happened to be in Complex 1, so I decided to make some visits along the way. The Abby's office was open and I made a point to create some small talk with the manager ("Ped"). Things will never be the same between us... but that's okay.

I went to the Master's Office prepared to face "what are you doing here?" glances but I was surprisingly met with hugs and smiles from friends... that's a first in a LONG time. I decided to take a tour to the SCR to wish the Frosh Bosses that I left behind a good luck and to have fun. As soon as the guy who took over for me ("Kev-vingt") escorted me through the hallways to the SCR I began to feel that it was a bad idea. I left for a reason... I left to get space... I left to feel better about myself... I left to heal the loss and frustration... why was I going back?? Am I that dumb that I just don't know when enough is enough? But I walked in behind him who handed papers to my old partner ("Dunn"), she was sitting on the table that used to be my old perch. A room full of students much younger than me all clad in red t-shirts turned to look at me. A wave of nauseau and nervousness washed over me... What was I doing there?? This was a mistake. But instead, people whisphered my name and gave me little waves and our "spirit hands" clap from some of the Frosh Boss veterans in the back... relief washed over me in an instant. Dunn turned around to see who interrupted her meeting and her face soon had a smile. I said, "I just came by to wish you all the best of luck this year" and she ran over to give me a hug, the room burst out into a loud applause. They invited me in to share in the training session that was underway, but I politely declined. "I'm a workin' lady now, but I promise to stop by later". Everyone waved good bye.

Its good to know that some things will never change.

It'll just take time --- but how much?

I have this predicament.

 Last year when I took the school year off to regain my footing I participated in a great fundraising event - well, I did more than just participate, I held a leading role. We were raising funds and awareness for the Canadian Cancer Society and donated cut ponytails to be made into wigs. I donated over 10 inches of my hair. I really wanted my family who has been affected by cancer to cut my hair but apparently I'm completely thoughtless. I guess I assumed they would share my ambition and desire to have everyone included, my assumption was wrong. Anyway, the short of the long of it is, my Aunt has decided to shun me. We still aren't talking. And just because my appearance is my head held high, no one thinks it bothers me. That is completely untrue. It bothers me a lot. I miss the connection I had with my Aunt. I have already apologized because I didn't realize how big of a deal it was to have her be the only one cutting my hair (yep, that's right, I'll just tell my other grandmother to step aside)... but I'm not going to chase this. Call it pride, but maybe she should lower her defenses too... Maybe she should have acknowledged how remorse I was... Maybe she should have considered my feelings for once... Maybe - but she won't. I'm not going to chase this because she is an adult, she's been an adult longer than I have and she should know that this kind of behavior is just ridiculous. And if it tears me away from the rest of the family, then FINE - maybe then everyone else will realize and stop pretending like nothing is going on.

But anyway, my predicament is - my mother called me the other night to tell me the family was going out to Wasabi (a sushi place in Markham) for my Aunt's birthday. I cringed and said I already had plans with Drew to go to the Island for a fraternity event and to help him move even though I'm not sure what I'm doing this weekend at all. I didn't want to say I won't go because I know it hurts my mom and that's the last thing I want to do. I keep bringing it up in emails (does she want me around, why is she acting that way towards me, why doesn't she want to talk to me??) but she avoids answering my questions. I'm going to call her out on it soon - I want to know what she thinks about this whole situation - more than "Oh, you know, that's how she is..." That's unacceptable for me. I get called out all the time for my tone of voice - yet she is allowed to treat me like crap!? Anyway, but for now, I know my mom doesn't want to talk about it, she's pitted in the middle. She has to choose sides between her sister and her daughter. But I have the decency to leave it be. I'll be the one to keep the distance, to step aside. Whatever, they dont' even miss me anyway. For instance, no one called me to wish me happy birthday- but I'm expected to call everyone on their birthdays to wish them (a horrible double standard if you ask me). My cousin left me a facebook message claiming they tried to call me, but I think that is a lie... I have no record of them trying to call me nor was my voice mail full like the post said. I guess it could be worse....

And I guess these things take time to blow over. As you can see, I'm still hot with rage. But I just think its kind of unfair how they can go on living like a happy family until while I'm cast off to the side. And I'm not one to come in all fists and start a verbal fight or anything.

So I have to decide - do I tell my mom I'm joining them for dinner (making my mother and my grandmother happy) or do I stick to my guns and continue to let time and space heal the wounds?

The mail just arrived - and I have a splitting headache... is it lunch time yet? Thank goodness its Friday.

SLaw - Blaw....

*cough cough*

Dammnit! to who ever passed this bug along to me... damn you because I had to miss yoga this morning, damn you because my throat is raw, damn you because I can't breathe properly, damn you because people just can't understand me on the phone at work.... damn you...

I feel my creative senses tingling....

This last half hour will be the longest... not that I'm wasting my office's time by browsing the web but there seriously isn't much to do while stuck at the front desk. So instead I take my time with the small tasks that I have been given and make sure that I do them well. I feel bad for asking some many questions because I have been with this office for so long, but the only time I have sat at the front desk is when I'm covering for the lunch hour. ANYWAY - so I wanted to get myself a button maker for my birthday - I thought it would be awesome to be able to expand my beading in that direction. I did some research and went to the only place in Toronto (in Kensington) to look at the machines they had. They are pretty expensive, and I knew that, but I was hoping that the button makers would allow you to change sizes... unfortunately not if I don't want to purchase a $5000 electric machine.... and I don't. So I thought I'd let that idea settle before marching out and getting one anyway (even though giving away buttons at the party would have been totally rad). And its a good thing to because I researched something else I have always wanted to do with my beading and its waaaay more versatile (meaning I could make buttons with this medium too). RESIN! I read a great tutorial (skinnerstudio.blogspot.com) and it really got my gears going. I think I'm going to start experimenting so that I can start making my own beads and pendants. For a while I felt as if my jewelry was just so faceless... like everything else out there, there was nothing to separate me from the crappy jewelry you could find in the cheap chain stores - hence why I've been on a bit of a hiatus. I'm no longer motivated to sit at my desk and create away. I used to enjoy the challenge of creating custom made pieces but after some disappointing turnouts with customers I think I'm going to stray away unless they are willing to pay steep prices. So I think this is the turning of a new leaf for me - just collections. No more beading parties, no single piece orders, no more Swarovski on a cord... just me and MY creations.

I must be driving the ladies near me crazy - I keep coughing and clearing my throat despite the amount of water I have been drinking, how many candies and lozenges I eat. It been a long time since I've been in a building that pumps out air conditioning and it probably doesn't help that I've been hanging out with all the smokers - Drew seems to be taking it on full time now, even though he rarely buys his own pack. I just have to be very conscious and leave the room each time someone sparks up...

Well, signing off for today... Yoga tomorrow - really excited to stretch out my stiffness.

See you then,
SLaw

The abuse we love

I got a key for the office - how exciting!! That means I don't have to worry about getting stuck outside and then looking like I'm late... which I normally am, but I'm working on it! Also, its very apparent that I SUCK at doing front desk duties. I miss my desk in the back. I got to hear a lot of gossip, I could have snacks whenever I wanted to, I didn't have to wait for people to come back from lunch to go for a pee, I could have tea right now if I saw fit... Instead I'm stuck wondering who I'm supposed to transfer which phone calls to because I'm so out of the loop on all the changes, and what keys belong to which rooms I'm supposed to open for meetings, and how do I log into the email accounts and room bookings, and how do I sound professional enough to angry students... I feel like I'm on a learning curve all over again!! Most times the people who call know more about what I'm supposed to do than I do - ACK. This is awful... but I love it here. I really hope that everything works out for the school year, meaning despite my lack of credits from becoming a full time student I'll still be able to hold employment. I couldn't fathom having to be a bottom feeder again... after all my hard work and networking to get me this far as a student employee it would seem a shame.... Most other students I work with either their parents are full time staff on campus or close relatives who are professors have put in a good word. I just put my all into my opportunities... maybe this is a sign to move on and try something new.

*sigh*

Anyway, I did hear some hot gossip yesterday. One of my mentors from student leadership ("F-capp") has apparently QUIT! It just got too much... Something inside of me knew that it would eventually happen. There is so much bureaucracy on this campus that it delays EVERYONE and all their hard efforts. Its just plain annoying and frustrating, it eats y0ur soul, it consumes every part of your being without you even realizing that you have been compromised. I did realize... almost too late, getting kicked out of my honours program at University really grounded me - I wasn't as invincible as I thought. However, even after my presidential resignation I just dove back in, hoping that I'd still be able to make an impressionable mark, that I could enforce the positive change we all have been waiting for. It just got too much... There are too few resources and too few people who actually give a damn. But what else can you expect from a bloated community that pits one another against each other. At the party, numerous college peeps that I have come to hold near and dear to me asked me if the rumors were true. The rumors were in fact true - that I resigned from O-Chair - and to see the disappointment in their eyes made it hard to talk about, but I've tried to be as honest about it as possible. I was sick and tired of being knocked down and made to feel pathetic. I was sick and tired of being criticized for my methods in office. I was sick and tired of being questioned about my relationships with my peers. I was sick and tired of being forced to fit the shape of the "cookie-cutter" role model. I loved what I did, but not when it changed me into a monster - someone so far from the real me - it just became apparent to me that it was not worth it.... not worth the heartache and disappointment. I have always been willing to bend over backward for my college, but when has it demonstrated that it would reciprocate that feeling? And not to say that I got involved for the recognition or the benefits - there is a distinct difference between being shown gratitude and being taken advantage of. I full heartedly feel that I was taken advantage of. I was used as a tool to push someone else's motives.... but enough of this usual rant (my close friends have heard this speech all too much).

The phones are beginning to ring like mad - and I have no idea how to use all of these extensions...

Until I have another free moment ~ SLaw

First day back-

- at work.

Its kind of weird being here, everyone seems suprised to see me back, and especially with time to blog. I'm not sure what else to do while sitting at the front desk. Normally the phone would be ringing off the hook or else I'd be eyeball deep in paper work or deliveries and what not. Its also really quiet in the office today. People are trickling in. Tennis ended yesterday so it doesn't surprise me that people would take the day off to recoup from the craziness. That's one of the things I think I love about working here is how people demonstrate pulling off huge events with very little prep time and the smallest amount of man power. The weak just aren't cut out for this office. I've been moved around. I think I'm helping out a different branch of our department, which I don't mind - I love it here. But I do have to admit I miss the convocation craziness.... and Fall convo will be approaching us shortly. The Executive Officer told me today that the other student I work with ("Lolo") will be returning for sure and they will have to look into see if they can spend some of the budget on a work/study position - which I hope won't demote me from my regular pay. Maybe its best that I don't say anything!

Someone else other than me has worn this black sweater - I can smell B.O. coming from under the sleeves. And I create no smell - I have no body odor. Or maybe that is what I get for "lost & found" shopping. I've already washed it twice before wearing it myself. I hope no one notices when I come up to them. I drenched it in Coconut and Milk body spray from Victoria Secret... but it seems to have worn off - two thumbs down.

Two guys randomly walked in past me at reception. They looked like they knew where they were going... a few seconds later the Executive Officer called me to ask me what they were doing here.... HAH - oops. Perhaps there will be some drama in the office after all!

I picked up a campus paper before heading in, you know, the read over lunch, but there has been nothing really keep me occupied I read it already. I found out that K'Naan will be playing on September 22nd - its a free concert to for those with valid student cards, who can bring guests. Oh and speaking of concerts - anyone still interested in going to see Junior Boys tomorrow?

I'm supposed to go out for drinks with the ladies tonight for Industrial night at the Drake (I seem to be finding myself there quite often, especially with yoga on the rooftop, which my job is totally comfortable with letting me go to the classes as long as I'm back at the desk for around noon). My surprise guest visitor ("Lil E") is only in until Tuesday morning before having to head back south to the states, so I wanted to make best of my time with her. It might be a ladies only night - we might include some council peeps ("Cat and L.O."), which will be fun because I've been attached to the hip with Drew so that we can soak up as much of each other before he moves out of NewHomeFreeLand and into his new apartment with his best buddy ("Keyel"). Not that I mind but I have to begin to do things on my own and not so much as a couple.... although a part of me will wish he was there with me.

Well, I've managed to thin my time out as much as possible and it brings me to my lunch hour already!! Yay! I just have to wait for someone to replace me for the hour.

In a power outfit and sling backs,

SLaw

Party Yesterday:

So yep, that was insane!! Last night was insane, that is the only word I can think of using to describe it right now. Well other than unbelievable, because I can't believe it happened.

I'm nursing a hangover, but not the kind where my head hurts and I'm throwing up and I've got the shakes and I'm achy as hell... I'm having a fun hangover - just had TOO much fun.... if there were ever such a thing. The amount of randoms that showed up (aka. moneymakers) worried me but the police had a nice way of helping us handle it. My ex-roommate ("Shera") and her DJ boyfriend ("Aitch") dealt with the downstairs, glass may or may not have been broken to show brute force - hah, that makes me smile, one of these days Shera is just going to nail someone in the face - while the rest of the boys ushered all the other assholes out the front door. I couldn't help but patronize some of the d-baguettes as they tried to leave the house with cups full of beer. As for my friends who showed up to support our last party and my birthday - I apologize that those turds had to ruin our good time and that you had to leave with them. All three kegs were consumed, so don't think I was being a jerk and holding out on you, you guys just drink too fast. Breakfast the next morning was so worth the 5 hours of slaving in the kitchen the day before.... although if I see maggots in my kitchen sink ever again - imma loose my shit, and probably move out.

Drew, you are amazing... thank you for making my doubtful good time a REALLY good time. Icecream cake for me will never be the same!

Anyway, there is a giant vat of sangria awaiting me and my body is yearning to be horizontal again.

Thanks again everyone for sharing my 25th celebration with me, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Love,
SLaw

INSERT PICTURES

Party Today:

So yep, today is the party. I'm already in higher spirits. I've been down in the dumps lately. My thoughts have run away with me, and are getting the better of me... and the better of my better judgment. Its so tough to see the sunshine when I get into these ruts. I'm not normally a miserable person. But for some reason I'm letting it all crawl under my skin. No matter. If I can stay distracted - all the better - I feel a little more like myself.

A friend sent this to me a while ago... but I just watched it for the first time on Drew's laptop. My computer is ghetto and now the internet doesn't live here anymore. I literally laughed out loud - it was nice to have a genuine smile on my face.

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

The 3 kegs arrived last night, John and his buddy were really cool dudes. They even offered me a fourth keg, and I can even call them today if we need it and they will come and deliver it to our door. Awesome! Thanks guys! I also am expecting a surprise visit from a friend - gasp! I've said too much already. I'm on a quest for all the things the house needs to be prepared for this bash to end all bashes with a side order of birthday for me. I think I'll pick up some wristbands again, considering my yellow one from the "good-bye-lil'e-happy-bideh-armor" party at the beginning of the summer has seen better days (thank goodness for clear hockey tape). I'm heading to the Farmer's Market as soon as Drew comes back from doing some laundry and tidying his room. We plan on having a "how many dicks?" after-after-after party the morning after. There will be 3 quiche, 2lbs. of bacon, a shit-ton of hash browns.... and probably mamosas and tequila shots. My parents gave me an envelope before I hopped on the bus with Drew heading south from New Liskerd, they said it was to contribute to the party - a gift from Mamma and Papa Law. They wouldn't let me open it until I got on the bus, it was $100, the cost of a keg. My face blushed and I had no way to tell them thank you. They will be arriving in town some time tonight from the cottage - I'll have to drunk dial them - HAH!

Anyway, I'm going to go prime my stomach with some nutrients before I destroy my system royally - I hope I can cure the hangover before I go back to work on Monday.

Rippit!
SLaw

Party tomorrow:

So we are throwing a kegger tomorrow - or I hope we are....

I'm in the middle of a cluster-fuck frantically trying to find a way to get the kegs to the house. I'm confused as to how it got to be this way but I'm trying not to dwell on that now. I have to focus on getting them here. I'm currently waiting for a call from two random dudes in a pick up. The last we talked was almost an hour ago. I had to pool my resources, tried not to get frustrated or panicked. I had to ditch T-man. I was going to accompany him to the hospital to get his hand looked at. The shit storm lead to him punching a hole in our bathroom door. Fisty joked about adding his own hole just for fun - but frankly I don't want to have to pay for the repairs when we move out. I guess I'll have to look into patching it up. It also reminded me of last year when my door decided to lock me out of my room. Our neighbour ("Aitch") found me sobbing destroying the knob with a hammer. Our super came to replace it and strangely two days later the new knob did the same thing. So I angrily purchased a door knob myself and Fisty and I put it together. This way if Karma wanted to fuck me over again I could only be upset at my own poor fix-it-ness. I haven't had door trouble since.

THIS JUST IN:

T-man has a cast up to his elbow... for 6 weeks

Kegs are being delivered by an angel named John in a black pickup to my DOOR!!

I'm in a good mood again....

Next thing to figure out - a working tap...

Gaaaaaaaah - why must my birthday bring so much stress and aggravation to my life. I must be doing something to deserve it... am I really that horrible? You know what, forget it, I don't want to know the answer.

Anyway, Imma get so drunk tomorrow I won't know up from down, I hope I puke on myself. CLASSIC. I also hope you'll come and share the moment with me. Its gonna be the last party like this - ever.

SLaw

Issue One: Shit Storm: Romfield

So last night was interesting....

But first let me start at the beginning. I orchestrated my day perfectly in my mind. No better way to start the day than with roof top yoga at the Skybar in the Drake Hotel and some shop therapy. My lady friend ("Meg") had invited me out with her and her bf ("Jeff B.") to see Scratch Basid who was also playing at the Drake Hotel that night. I had agreed to dinner plans with my guy ("Crazy Drew") after our session of yoga but I really wanted to go out with Meg and Jeff B in case they didn't make it up to my birthday party on Saturday - so I squashed both commitments together. As I walked along Queen West I texted Meg to see if Drew and I could come for dinner and called Drew at work to see if he would drive us all to the bar. Meg said to be at her place for 6 to aim to be at the Drake for 9pm. And Drew said he didn't mind being designated driver considering it would allow him to leave when ever he wanted and he didn't want to stay out late. Perfect! I thought, I had time to spend for shopping, run back uptown to drop my bags, do my nails and head back downtown for a killer night - or so I thought.

There were thunder storm warnings but considering the sunshine and the amount I sweat all over my mat I thought the weather peoples were crazy! I successfully purchased some new toiletries from Shoppers, scanned the colourful delights at the Paper Place, two new dresses from Katie and a sexy pair of sling backs and golden aviators. On the subway ride northbound I contemplated if my purchases were too lavish and impulse, but grinned - I was long overdue for a new toothbrush and my favourite sling backs broke at a bachelor party... I seem to always find way to legitimize my shopping habits. When I came above ground at Downsview, I noticed the air was cooler and some grey heavy clouds started to accumulate in direction of York. The bus ride was breezy and I read the Metro that enlightened me on how facebook is ruining our relationships (duh) and how to make curried couscous (I think I'm going to try that recipe - its super easy, which is what I like when its too hot to labour in the kitchen for hours). I smiled at my horoscope, typical. When I got off the bus, the clouds were swirling violently, hmmm, maybe there were going to be storms after all. I find the gang hanging out playing Tetris. I make myself an excellent grilled cheese sandwich out of smoked gouda and prosciutto and join my friends on the couch. My roommate's friend ("Jonny B") came by for a visit, the open door created a vacuum flow of hot air heavy with humidity. Shit, I think as I remember I was going to paint my nails, and what a sticky mess it would be. After having a "gut-wrenching" 8 minute battle of Tetris with my roommie ("T-man") I pack a bag with my evening outfit and make-up in it and some veggies I picked up from Kensington earlier that day. I head out looking at the angry sky before me, booms and flashes in the distance. I ran to catch the bus across the street and on route forgot to grab Drew's shoes like I promised. Thunder and lightening make me really nervous, so it didn't surprise me that I was distracted. When I got back to the house to retrieve the shoes, the present company was chirping at how awesome the storm was going to be, clad in bathing suits for the occasion. I crossed my fingers I'd make it back to the subway before it was upon the house ("NewHomeFreeLand"). As I waited for the traffic light to turn the sky opened up and rained horizontally at my back - a sheer black tank top was a poor choice of attire. I transferred to the Spadina streetcar and when it surfaced I had beaten the storm - YES! I jaywalked to the LCBO in Chinatown and grabbed a bottle of vodka and Soho, for shooters with Meg. The sky above me was a steel grey, dull jade and churning. I decided to zig zag through Kensington to get to Meg's faster, the storm was at my heels the entire way. The sky opened up again and gave it its all literally as I jumped in the front door. Apparently there were tornado warnings in the area and surrounding ones. We made spaghetti sauce from scratch and caught up with friends "Jess and boyfriend James" over boozed up coffee. Drew arrived in time for a perfect rainbow arcing over the CN tower. We ate, gussied up and headed out, way after 9pm but heck we were having so much fun. The Drake had its usual fare of a crowd, we got drinks and enjoyed the musical delights of Scratch Basid. The night was great, I was delightfully drunk and dancing and then the shit storm unveiled itself to me. Yelling, crying, hissy fits, the whole shabang. Drew and I had our first full-blown fight.

Apparently the shit storm managed to make its way into the lives of T-man and ex-roomie ("Fist Fight") with their signif. others. I still feel burned but what can you do to a situation that is already expired? Nothing, you just move on and put the experience under your belt and learn from it. That's what I'm trying to do. It a little hard because I'm still in yesterday's clothes and its now 6:30pm.... But I'm hoping things are going to mirror the effects of the thunder storm and tornadoes that passed through the city yesterday - noisy and disruptive in their peak but after the calm arrives with refreshing cool air and a new perspective.

Welcome to the turning cogs of my mind telling the stories of my experiences at Romfield Victory Lapse. Until next time,

SLaw