That is how I feel about life right now:
STAGNANT...
I got into a sort of debate about doing what makes me happy... and since then that is all that is on my mind. I figure the reason I was so stressed out about nothing or feeling out of sorts with the group because I was trying to be someone I'm not, trying to do what my friends expect of me because they think it will make me happy instead of just listening to my heart, my intuition. I guess I was leaning on their advice too much as to what to do with my life and it was in fact making me miserable. Which is a damn shame because I only want to make the people around me happy... but compromising my entire self for them is no good either. I can't help them if I can't even help myself. So I've been working on it. Trying to find a balance between doing what I want and allowing some time and effort for things they want.
But I also think that being a little selfish and not completely selfless is not a bad thing. Friends should realize that each individual is entitled to their own busy lives and should take their own paths even if it means straying away from the friendship a little bit. Because in the end, if we are true friends it shouldn't matter the time in between our shared moments - its how meaningful the time shared that is the important thing. Also, I don't like being told what to do, I don't like being pressured to spend time with someone. It is more enticing and welcoming to spend time together if it is open, and relaxed - it makes it much more fun. It makes me want to make time to spend together. If I'm told what to do, my rebellious side kicks in and I'll do the exact opposite.
So, in the end, I need to cater to my needs right now. Because I feel stagnant with the rest of my life. This retail job, although it is fun and is good money, it is a dead end. I'm only part time, and my location is micro-managed by every employee, regardless if they are an assistant manager or not. It is frustrating because you will never know who is going to nit-pick on your performance. And getting negative feedback everyday is never fun. And I understand that everyone is just looking out for the best, and it is all constructive criticism - but it weighs heavy on the mind. My manager tells me how great I'm doing and how well I'm fitting in... but I'm finding it hard to believe her when everyone else is telling me I'm doing everything wrong or that I need to go about my sales a totally different way. So who is lying? Probably no one, but it makes me realize that I was not cut out for a job like this. I'll do it because it is the only place that will employ me and I'm getting a great experience here at Town Shoes... but I yearn for something more productive, something with a greater end to its means. I need to see a bigger pay off, and not in terms of paycheque, but in terms of visual results that I'm doing something good for the community.
Alas, so this brings me to why I feel stagnant. I really want to get back into painting and beading... but I feel confined. I don't feel that I can take my supplies out, go crazy for a few hours and then let it stand (the way I do to keep myself motivated by a piece, so that fresh eyes are always laying upon what I'm working on) for a few days. Someone will tell me my stuff is in the way, or that I'm making a mess, or that someone else knocked into my stuff, or that they moved my stuff back into my room. I need to stretch out... but I can't, so I don't really make the time to be involved in my passions. So instead, I trudge - day in, and day out - to work and then home again. And I don't even want to go home... I want to go to Drew's apartment. Creativity lives there, I feel more at home.
So this is my predicament... on top of all the other things that have been happening:
Drew's broken clavicle - and me taking care of him
Not being able to graduate - and forcing York to find a solution
Trying to spend time with family - and feeling like they don't really care to put the effort in anymore
Ahhhhhhhhh, I should just be thankful for what I have - I'm just finding it hard to believe in myself these days. I need my power back - so that I can make some MOVEMENT.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Frustration Building
Yeah - its been a while. But like I said in my last post - SPACE...
I just took the time to think some things over. Got really internal and hibernated - which in the end only made things worse on the friends front. I don't like being accused for not spending time with people when I'm just as fucking busy as everyone else or because I choose to get close to my boyfriend.
If anything I just want to run outside and tell everyone I know to grow the fuck up - but that would be childish and get me no where.
I'm trying not to worry about it and put in some good effort to show everyone I'm still available. Let's see if they reciprocate and if they don't... well.... at least I tried and I'm never going to be fooled into feeling bad about the face time I give. End of Story.
But it's not the end of the story - I'm still frustrated, even more so now. Drew has broken his collar bone - I haven't had a decent night's sleep since it happened. Sunday he usually plays football with the guys in the morning and he was going to meet me at my store to go to my Grandmother's birthday dinner in Markham. When my shift was over instead of Drew waiting for me outside my store, I have missed calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I listened to my voice mail and it's Drew in a weak voice saying he was at Toronto General and he broke his clavicle. I had a mini-panic attack inside and take a deep breath and try to track him down. My mind kept running over our conversation that morning:
"Bye baby"
"I don't think you should go to football today, your ribs are still hurting you from weeks ago"
"Yeah, but I can't bail. I hate bailing when I say I'll be there"
"Well, lots of other people flake out too. You shouldn't play if you're not feeling top notch"
"Bye baby, I'll see you after your shift"
I wanted to find him just so I could scream I told you so... but that was irrational, angry Steph. I cleared my mind and tracked him down to another hospital - at Lakeshore and Roncesvales. It took an hour and a half just to get there. Then another hour to track him down inside the hospital. I talked to so many nurses and aides and white phones. Finally when I found out where he was, he was already under the knife. I had missed him by 12 minutes, and I had missed my Grandmother's birthday.
Surgery took about 2 hours. They had to open him up, put the bone back together and inserted a metal plate to keep it in place. The nurse that helped me find Drew suggested that I go home and get something to eat while I waited for him to get out of recovery. I decided to go get some comfy pants and a sweater for Drew because I know they strip you down naked for surgery and he's so cold all the time. I went to Vanilla to see Fisty who was the contact with the hospital. As soon as I got there they called him and told us that he was in recovery and then heading to his room where he'd be staying over night. When I finally got back to the hospital he was out of surgery for a couple of hours but visiting hours were over like an hour ago. But the nurse was nice, she could see how strung out I was and said, "be quick" and showed me to his room.
Seeing Drew the way I did made my heart drop. His skin was ashen, he had tubes up his nose, two different IV tubes in his arm, his chest was yellow from the iodine, a big gauzy bandage on his left shoulder held in place with a sling. I touched his sweaty forehead and he opened his eyes. They were an icy blue, his pupils were tiny black specks... he almost looked through me instead of at me. I stayed with him for an hour and then thanked the nurse. I went home to try to sleep - but it wasn't easy.
I got up early and headed straight for the hospital. Drew looked better but wasn't feeling better. The morphine was making him throw up. The nurse told me he had one more bag of antibiotics to take in intravenously and he could go home - which would be around 2pm. I ran around like crazy trying to get things in order. I called all of our friends to see if they could help. Those who could showed up pretty late making me late which made Drew really anxious. Cat was my savior, she picked me up in her company van and drove me to and from the hospital.
So here I am, five days later, exhausted out of my mind. I have gotten very little sleep, I have to tend to Drew like a baby. He can't eat, or drink, or go to the bathroom without help. Sitting up, laying down, and finding the right angle with the pillows has been a challenge. Each day he gets more mobility but the drugs he's on for pain whacks him out and it gets really frustrating. I'm trying to keep my cool and my calm in order but with having to work while doing all of this... my patience is running thin. Armour has been amazing though. He has slept here almost every night, and usually only leaves to go to work and then comes right back. He has looked after Drew when I'm not around... he is my shining star right now.
And everyone who has come to visit - thank you. It means so much to Drew, it means even more to me.
BUT then there is the rest of the fucking DRAMA RAMA torturing my mind. There is the whole ORDEAL that happened on the floor in Drew's apartment on the first night he was out from the hospital. I can't express how upset and angry I am over that. Don't ask me why I'm so emotionally involved... And now I have everyone coming to me asking for verification. I never asked for this burden. And then there are the little annoying things like people not thinking ahead of time and making meals that are completely allergic for others to eat, and breaking all of my fucking dishes, among other things....
I need a fucking vacation... I need to get away from here, I need to get away from my friends before I explode my rage all over them. Because I don't want to do that, I want to relish in good times... but it's so difficult when no one will throw me a freakin' bone.
gah - time to medicate Drew... and then go to work.... *sigh*
I just took the time to think some things over. Got really internal and hibernated - which in the end only made things worse on the friends front. I don't like being accused for not spending time with people when I'm just as fucking busy as everyone else or because I choose to get close to my boyfriend.
If anything I just want to run outside and tell everyone I know to grow the fuck up - but that would be childish and get me no where.
I'm trying not to worry about it and put in some good effort to show everyone I'm still available. Let's see if they reciprocate and if they don't... well.... at least I tried and I'm never going to be fooled into feeling bad about the face time I give. End of Story.
But it's not the end of the story - I'm still frustrated, even more so now. Drew has broken his collar bone - I haven't had a decent night's sleep since it happened. Sunday he usually plays football with the guys in the morning and he was going to meet me at my store to go to my Grandmother's birthday dinner in Markham. When my shift was over instead of Drew waiting for me outside my store, I have missed calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I listened to my voice mail and it's Drew in a weak voice saying he was at Toronto General and he broke his clavicle. I had a mini-panic attack inside and take a deep breath and try to track him down. My mind kept running over our conversation that morning:
"Bye baby"
"I don't think you should go to football today, your ribs are still hurting you from weeks ago"
"Yeah, but I can't bail. I hate bailing when I say I'll be there"
"Well, lots of other people flake out too. You shouldn't play if you're not feeling top notch"
"Bye baby, I'll see you after your shift"
I wanted to find him just so I could scream I told you so... but that was irrational, angry Steph. I cleared my mind and tracked him down to another hospital - at Lakeshore and Roncesvales. It took an hour and a half just to get there. Then another hour to track him down inside the hospital. I talked to so many nurses and aides and white phones. Finally when I found out where he was, he was already under the knife. I had missed him by 12 minutes, and I had missed my Grandmother's birthday.
Surgery took about 2 hours. They had to open him up, put the bone back together and inserted a metal plate to keep it in place. The nurse that helped me find Drew suggested that I go home and get something to eat while I waited for him to get out of recovery. I decided to go get some comfy pants and a sweater for Drew because I know they strip you down naked for surgery and he's so cold all the time. I went to Vanilla to see Fisty who was the contact with the hospital. As soon as I got there they called him and told us that he was in recovery and then heading to his room where he'd be staying over night. When I finally got back to the hospital he was out of surgery for a couple of hours but visiting hours were over like an hour ago. But the nurse was nice, she could see how strung out I was and said, "be quick" and showed me to his room.
Seeing Drew the way I did made my heart drop. His skin was ashen, he had tubes up his nose, two different IV tubes in his arm, his chest was yellow from the iodine, a big gauzy bandage on his left shoulder held in place with a sling. I touched his sweaty forehead and he opened his eyes. They were an icy blue, his pupils were tiny black specks... he almost looked through me instead of at me. I stayed with him for an hour and then thanked the nurse. I went home to try to sleep - but it wasn't easy.
I got up early and headed straight for the hospital. Drew looked better but wasn't feeling better. The morphine was making him throw up. The nurse told me he had one more bag of antibiotics to take in intravenously and he could go home - which would be around 2pm. I ran around like crazy trying to get things in order. I called all of our friends to see if they could help. Those who could showed up pretty late making me late which made Drew really anxious. Cat was my savior, she picked me up in her company van and drove me to and from the hospital.
So here I am, five days later, exhausted out of my mind. I have gotten very little sleep, I have to tend to Drew like a baby. He can't eat, or drink, or go to the bathroom without help. Sitting up, laying down, and finding the right angle with the pillows has been a challenge. Each day he gets more mobility but the drugs he's on for pain whacks him out and it gets really frustrating. I'm trying to keep my cool and my calm in order but with having to work while doing all of this... my patience is running thin. Armour has been amazing though. He has slept here almost every night, and usually only leaves to go to work and then comes right back. He has looked after Drew when I'm not around... he is my shining star right now.
And everyone who has come to visit - thank you. It means so much to Drew, it means even more to me.
BUT then there is the rest of the fucking DRAMA RAMA torturing my mind. There is the whole ORDEAL that happened on the floor in Drew's apartment on the first night he was out from the hospital. I can't express how upset and angry I am over that. Don't ask me why I'm so emotionally involved... And now I have everyone coming to me asking for verification. I never asked for this burden. And then there are the little annoying things like people not thinking ahead of time and making meals that are completely allergic for others to eat, and breaking all of my fucking dishes, among other things....
I need a fucking vacation... I need to get away from here, I need to get away from my friends before I explode my rage all over them. Because I don't want to do that, I want to relish in good times... but it's so difficult when no one will throw me a freakin' bone.
gah - time to medicate Drew... and then go to work.... *sigh*
Friday, April 23, 2010
I need space...
... perhaps that is why I stay away for so long. I feel so invaded that I need space. I love my alone time. I just laze in the sun and do crosswords and snack on little treats I prepare for myself and take pictures of things that intrigue me and getting involved in the lives of the characters of my new favourite shows... and then someone walks in the door and I feel I have to stop all of that, or close my door... It is strange. Like I have to be private about what I'm doing... I don't know why.... Things to contemplate.
So I found out that I have laryngitis from a cold or sinus infection. My lungs seem to be clear from fluids and my throat is not sore. I keep coughing because I have terrible nasal drip which is aggravating my throat which is making me more hoarse. I literally have no voice. I have taken the last four days off of work. This is going to kill my next paycheque. So I have quarantined myself to Drew's because I know there is solitude there during the day and most of the evening. It took me two whole days to stop talking... hahah, I never realized how much I socialize... Like don't get me wrong, I know I'm a chatterbox - but I can't even say for simple things like "pass me the salt" or "no, thank you"... I am noticing a significant difference in my voice though. One more day of this silent treatment and I should be okay to go back to work this weekend.
On Monday I went to the walk-in clinic at Sherbourne and Bloor. HAH - what a shit show. I waitied 3 and half hours to see a doctor that looked at me for about 15 minutes. And for once I didn't feel compelled to complain about the wait or the need to be impatient. I just sat there, enjoyed an Arizona tea and read a 24H newspaper. Luckily I had a pen in my purse so I could do the crossword and sodoku. I actually enjoyed myself there. I got to watch EVEYONE ELSE wretch in pain over the wait. They paced back and forth, they hugged their sides in agony (and not because they are actually hurting, but because they couldn't endure the wait), I got to listen to the sob stories and explanations as to why they should be seen sooner, and I got to see the exasperation on people's faces when they found out the registration desk closed an hour early because there were so many patients already in line.... FREE ENTERTAINMENT. The doctor that saw me said that if the nasal spray she prescribed me doesn't help me get better by the end of the weekend, I should come back - maybe I'll just stop by and sit in the waiting room for some more cheap thrills - hahaha.
So here I find myself alone again in Drew's apartment. I've turned it into my little sick room, so I guess I should clean it up a bit now that I have regained some energy from this time-out. Ooooooooor maybe I'll just watch another episode of House first.... yeah, I'll do that. Then out into the sunshine it is for me, I want to feel the fresh air on my skin - maybe a walk in the cemetery would be nice. Talk about space!
So I found out that I have laryngitis from a cold or sinus infection. My lungs seem to be clear from fluids and my throat is not sore. I keep coughing because I have terrible nasal drip which is aggravating my throat which is making me more hoarse. I literally have no voice. I have taken the last four days off of work. This is going to kill my next paycheque. So I have quarantined myself to Drew's because I know there is solitude there during the day and most of the evening. It took me two whole days to stop talking... hahah, I never realized how much I socialize... Like don't get me wrong, I know I'm a chatterbox - but I can't even say for simple things like "pass me the salt" or "no, thank you"... I am noticing a significant difference in my voice though. One more day of this silent treatment and I should be okay to go back to work this weekend.
On Monday I went to the walk-in clinic at Sherbourne and Bloor. HAH - what a shit show. I waitied 3 and half hours to see a doctor that looked at me for about 15 minutes. And for once I didn't feel compelled to complain about the wait or the need to be impatient. I just sat there, enjoyed an Arizona tea and read a 24H newspaper. Luckily I had a pen in my purse so I could do the crossword and sodoku. I actually enjoyed myself there. I got to watch EVEYONE ELSE wretch in pain over the wait. They paced back and forth, they hugged their sides in agony (and not because they are actually hurting, but because they couldn't endure the wait), I got to listen to the sob stories and explanations as to why they should be seen sooner, and I got to see the exasperation on people's faces when they found out the registration desk closed an hour early because there were so many patients already in line.... FREE ENTERTAINMENT. The doctor that saw me said that if the nasal spray she prescribed me doesn't help me get better by the end of the weekend, I should come back - maybe I'll just stop by and sit in the waiting room for some more cheap thrills - hahaha.
So here I find myself alone again in Drew's apartment. I've turned it into my little sick room, so I guess I should clean it up a bit now that I have regained some energy from this time-out. Ooooooooor maybe I'll just watch another episode of House first.... yeah, I'll do that. Then out into the sunshine it is for me, I want to feel the fresh air on my skin - maybe a walk in the cemetery would be nice. Talk about space!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
We avoid the things we don't like...
My throat is still scratchy. Whatever I did at Formal the other night has gotten worse. At least the throwing up has subsided, but now I have strep-like symptoms. Meh, I'll get over it in time. It just sucks because I'm not at my top performance. Which sucks even more for work...
So my housemates are throwing a party/get together on Friday. To be honest I'm not overly thrilled to participate in shenanigans due to me being ill... I'm never in the house very much any more and the more I'm nagged or reminded that I'm never there it makes me wanna stay away for even longer. Don't ask me what happened to me during my childhood that made me this way... I just don't know. All I know is that we all avoid things we don't like. What is not to like though? It is at a great location, I love the layout of the house, I love the people I live with... what is not to like?? I just don't get it.
Also, I don't like the fact that my room is a dumping station - it irritates me. From me running in and out of the door, from people returning things they have borrowed, from people coming into my room to use my computer, from me being sick and having meals in my room.... and the list goes on and on and on. And here I find myself tidying Drew's room for "Guys' Night In", but every time that Drew and I plan on going to my house to do the same - SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP. It's annoying. Like last night, we were going to go to my place so that I could do some much needed laundry for work, but Cat and Nick called us when Drew got home and were planning on coming over to hang out with us. We waited and waited and waited for them to call us back after they made their dinner but it never happened. And by the time we realized the hour, it was too late to do anything... so my room got neglected again.
And I don't like my room being a mess and constant clutter. It irritates the fuck out of me actually. But I deal with it because it's never going to change until I move into a place of my own, where I have ample space and places to put my things exactly where I want them. It never works when there is shared space. It just pains me that I will never be satisfied until I live on my own (or with someone significant) - and its a damn shame too because this house is gorgeous.
Guh, I'm just in a terrible mood because I'm sick and I don't want to be bothered...
So my housemates are throwing a party/get together on Friday. To be honest I'm not overly thrilled to participate in shenanigans due to me being ill... I'm never in the house very much any more and the more I'm nagged or reminded that I'm never there it makes me wanna stay away for even longer. Don't ask me what happened to me during my childhood that made me this way... I just don't know. All I know is that we all avoid things we don't like. What is not to like though? It is at a great location, I love the layout of the house, I love the people I live with... what is not to like?? I just don't get it.
Also, I don't like the fact that my room is a dumping station - it irritates me. From me running in and out of the door, from people returning things they have borrowed, from people coming into my room to use my computer, from me being sick and having meals in my room.... and the list goes on and on and on. And here I find myself tidying Drew's room for "Guys' Night In", but every time that Drew and I plan on going to my house to do the same - SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP. It's annoying. Like last night, we were going to go to my place so that I could do some much needed laundry for work, but Cat and Nick called us when Drew got home and were planning on coming over to hang out with us. We waited and waited and waited for them to call us back after they made their dinner but it never happened. And by the time we realized the hour, it was too late to do anything... so my room got neglected again.
And I don't like my room being a mess and constant clutter. It irritates the fuck out of me actually. But I deal with it because it's never going to change until I move into a place of my own, where I have ample space and places to put my things exactly where I want them. It never works when there is shared space. It just pains me that I will never be satisfied until I live on my own (or with someone significant) - and its a damn shame too because this house is gorgeous.
Guh, I'm just in a terrible mood because I'm sick and I don't want to be bothered...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
YORK UNIVERSITY YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!
I'm soooooooo DONE with this place!!! I'm enraged beyond words. Every time I get hopeful about graduating from York University something comes crashing down on my dreams. I'm too upset to get into details right now... but I'm seriously considering pooping on York property to give them back everything they have given me over my time and experience there - SHIT.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
It troubles me...
It troubles me when I post twice in a day...
It troubles me when I say one thing and then I want to reverse it...
It troubles me that you act this way and I want to smash your face in...
It troubles me that I'm drinking by myself as an act of protest against you...
It troubles me that I've been feeling more and more isolated as the days go by...
It troubles me that I have an urge to spread my wings because I feel confided...
It troubles me that all I want to do is cry as hard as I can and yell even louder...
It troubles me that I'm not feeling the wine yet....
gah...
next week I'm making some plans with some people I haven't seen in almost a decade. And seriously I can fucking wait. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hang out with day in and day out... but it's beginning to feel a little stale. Not the hangouts, not the people, just for me... I feel like I'm stale.
and...
then the very bitter part of me just wants to do it to make you jealous, to see me having so much fun... so that you'll want me to come spend time with you like all the times I've been dying to spend time with you.
Yeah, I'm kinda upset right now, well, more so frustrated. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it... which frustrates me even more. I just need to suck it up and get over it. Tonight's just not my night, what can I say....
...but still, it troubles me....
It troubles me when I say one thing and then I want to reverse it...
It troubles me that you act this way and I want to smash your face in...
It troubles me that I'm drinking by myself as an act of protest against you...
It troubles me that I've been feeling more and more isolated as the days go by...
It troubles me that I have an urge to spread my wings because I feel confided...
It troubles me that all I want to do is cry as hard as I can and yell even louder...
It troubles me that I'm not feeling the wine yet....
gah...
next week I'm making some plans with some people I haven't seen in almost a decade. And seriously I can fucking wait. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hang out with day in and day out... but it's beginning to feel a little stale. Not the hangouts, not the people, just for me... I feel like I'm stale.
and...
then the very bitter part of me just wants to do it to make you jealous, to see me having so much fun... so that you'll want me to come spend time with you like all the times I've been dying to spend time with you.
Yeah, I'm kinda upset right now, well, more so frustrated. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it... which frustrates me even more. I just need to suck it up and get over it. Tonight's just not my night, what can I say....
...but still, it troubles me....
French Toast in the yard...
I'm listening to "Paris" by Friendly Fires on repeat right now. I got up early with Drew. He made the house french toast, and bought us syrup so that we could have breakfast in the yard today. It was so ridiculously perfect out. Just enough sunshine to keep us warm in the morning shade. The pavement was cold though - it froze my toes a little. Then Richard, Cat and I got ready for our days. I was supposed to go with them to Bulk Barn because I want to make "Easter Bark" to hand out this weekend, but it was cutting it too close to work time. I should get going soon, but I think I will change my outfit for something lighter... it is getting hot out and I have a feeling I'll be up in men's a lot.
Anyway, Drew has been incredibly sweet of late. We had a very frustrating few days, but we talked it through, very emotionally, but we talked none-the-less. Things are fine, I think we are just scared of how much we care about each other and had a little freak out. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him right now. All my lingering thoughts go back to him and when I'm going to see him next. I cling to the thought of him, I hold onto it as long and hard as I can.
I really wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend, but really I should be thrilled at the hours I have been receiving. I still have a considerable amount of homework to do before I'm officially OFFICIALLY done university. This group project is driving me nuts and I just wish it would go away. One of our group members is getting a free ride on his grade and it's not fair.... but I just don't have the time to whine about it - just move on.
I'm itching to do something else than be tied down by York. I'm soooooooooo over it. Town Shoes still gives me so much free time to do whatever else, I'm thrilled actually.
EDIT - I just looked at my schedule and realized I was looking at LAST WEEK's schedule... I only have to work at 3pm... OMG - I'm such a dunce. I'm going to go perfect my outfit.
BUT that's what I'm also lamenting about. I can't wait to have York out of the way so that I can start organizing myself... I'll actually have time to commit to cleaning my room and sorting through all the stuff that I have and start getting rid of it all... And then I can live in a clutter free room because my school books won't be all over the floor and my desks and upstairs and Drew's place.... I can start focusing all of my income on my livelihood instead of unnecessary course kits and other school supplies that I'll only ever use ONCE... I can start getting to all those other tasks I have started, like painting and the garden and ESPECIALLY my beading. Soon, so very soon I'll be able to move on in my life and feel accomplished.
York - You are HOLDING ME BACK!
Anyway, Drew has been incredibly sweet of late. We had a very frustrating few days, but we talked it through, very emotionally, but we talked none-the-less. Things are fine, I think we are just scared of how much we care about each other and had a little freak out. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him right now. All my lingering thoughts go back to him and when I'm going to see him next. I cling to the thought of him, I hold onto it as long and hard as I can.
I really wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend, but really I should be thrilled at the hours I have been receiving. I still have a considerable amount of homework to do before I'm officially OFFICIALLY done university. This group project is driving me nuts and I just wish it would go away. One of our group members is getting a free ride on his grade and it's not fair.... but I just don't have the time to whine about it - just move on.
I'm itching to do something else than be tied down by York. I'm soooooooooo over it. Town Shoes still gives me so much free time to do whatever else, I'm thrilled actually.
EDIT - I just looked at my schedule and realized I was looking at LAST WEEK's schedule... I only have to work at 3pm... OMG - I'm such a dunce. I'm going to go perfect my outfit.
BUT that's what I'm also lamenting about. I can't wait to have York out of the way so that I can start organizing myself... I'll actually have time to commit to cleaning my room and sorting through all the stuff that I have and start getting rid of it all... And then I can live in a clutter free room because my school books won't be all over the floor and my desks and upstairs and Drew's place.... I can start focusing all of my income on my livelihood instead of unnecessary course kits and other school supplies that I'll only ever use ONCE... I can start getting to all those other tasks I have started, like painting and the garden and ESPECIALLY my beading. Soon, so very soon I'll be able to move on in my life and feel accomplished.
York - You are HOLDING ME BACK!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The spaces in between...
I can't quite describe how I feel right now... My stomach feels uneasy. Now, I don't know if that is just because I haven't eaten anything but a granola bar today or if it's part of why I can't seem to step foot out of Drew's apartment.
I had a great day yesterday. Drew spent the whole day with me. It was so nice, that feeling of security, knowing he was doing his best to make sure I had an awesome time. He got me pretty drunk, bought me a fab present and walked me home to put me to bed.
I'm glad Cat is home, it was too quiet and uninteresting without her around. I felt no need to be home when she was gone, so I neglected the house. But the Ortress will be full tonight, with people brimming to see her - and get their gifts she brought back from Japan.
But still, as the sun is shining and the birds are chirping... I feel nothing but a bland feeling. I'm unimpressed, a little depressed and really lonely and I don't want to face the world. Work called in, they are short staffed... I really don't want to be there right now, so I ignored the call. I'm not scheduled OR on-call... so I don't feel that I should be available to them. That attitude is how I feel in general. And me just sitting here moping is doing nothing but feeding this feeling and making it grow. It's not a big deal, but I just wish my mood matched the weather.
Anyway, I need to go to the bank to get Cat the rest of my rent money. I didn't quite make it on my own, but it WAS only three weeks of pay that I have received so far. And I'm trying to keep my credit card balance at a nice obtainable $100 each bill... I would rather it be at zero but I just can't do it this month.
On a brighter note, school is done for me.... I only have to submit this last paper and I'm DONE FOREVER. Thank god... I don't think I could stand anymore York University if I tried. SHIT, I was supposed to go pick up a loaner hood from Sarah at UECR today... but since my family is bickering and unhappy, I won't rush. I was only getting a BA hood so that I could take pictures with my grandmother. But family right now is a whole OTHER story that I just won't get into.
Let's just leave it at - I'm so glad for my chosen family.
I had a great day yesterday. Drew spent the whole day with me. It was so nice, that feeling of security, knowing he was doing his best to make sure I had an awesome time. He got me pretty drunk, bought me a fab present and walked me home to put me to bed.
I'm glad Cat is home, it was too quiet and uninteresting without her around. I felt no need to be home when she was gone, so I neglected the house. But the Ortress will be full tonight, with people brimming to see her - and get their gifts she brought back from Japan.
But still, as the sun is shining and the birds are chirping... I feel nothing but a bland feeling. I'm unimpressed, a little depressed and really lonely and I don't want to face the world. Work called in, they are short staffed... I really don't want to be there right now, so I ignored the call. I'm not scheduled OR on-call... so I don't feel that I should be available to them. That attitude is how I feel in general. And me just sitting here moping is doing nothing but feeding this feeling and making it grow. It's not a big deal, but I just wish my mood matched the weather.
Anyway, I need to go to the bank to get Cat the rest of my rent money. I didn't quite make it on my own, but it WAS only three weeks of pay that I have received so far. And I'm trying to keep my credit card balance at a nice obtainable $100 each bill... I would rather it be at zero but I just can't do it this month.
On a brighter note, school is done for me.... I only have to submit this last paper and I'm DONE FOREVER. Thank god... I don't think I could stand anymore York University if I tried. SHIT, I was supposed to go pick up a loaner hood from Sarah at UECR today... but since my family is bickering and unhappy, I won't rush. I was only getting a BA hood so that I could take pictures with my grandmother. But family right now is a whole OTHER story that I just won't get into.
Let's just leave it at - I'm so glad for my chosen family.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Woah - it's March
Haven't updated in a while... the ending of February was a bit of a flash... I don't know if it was because there are less days or because there was so much going on that I didn't notice time was ticking by. I've been updating my personal journal more lately. I don't really feel I can put down exactly what I'm feeling anymore without fear of someone reading it and taking me aside to talk about my behavior. gaaaaaaaah... I feel I'm holding my tongue more and more these days. But I'm not one for confrontation, so it's my own fault for compromising my feelings for silence. Maybe I'll just go camp out at Drew's for a bit - no one goes there anyways. Maybe I'll use my reclusive time to get back to work with my website. I haven't put a single piece of jewellery up for sale yet. My pictures aren't amazing - I'm actually really unimpressed with what I have shot. And maybe I can set up the tripod and take some pics with me in the jewellery. I think I'd be happier if I had shots with models. I was going to ask my friends to be in it, but it's been hard to cooridinate - and the lighting in my house is really shitty. Etsy has just... sorta slipped through my fingers. I was sooo gung-ho about the account and then things just sorta snowballed. Drew went away, so I didn't go to his house to use his computer, I got a job, I planned Katherine's birthday, my family went out of their way to reconnect with me, school is coming to an end, I had my graduation pictures taken, Drew and I went to a wedding..... and here I sit less than thrilled. Just a looming feeling today. People are freaking out over little things and I just don't want to be part of it. I don't even want to talk about it... done.
On the upside - I have been spending time with friends a lot recently. Family day was a good start. And then our surprise trip to see Erin and the Winters crew who were also in Montreal. It was an amazing lil' getaway. Katherine's bday was good, a little stressful, but still fun - and I got to hang with a bunch of peeps I haven't seen in ages. Then people have just been over at our house pretty much non-stop. Which is great, but I'm running out of cash to buy food and booze all the time. I feel like I want to start harbouring stuff in my room so that I have something for myself at the end of the day. I have been constantly going out to party and to go to bars - my room is also a disaster from me constantly running out the door, getting wasted and then being too lazy to want to do anything but laze around and enjoy the little sunshine we have been graced with. I try to be low-key person, but let's be honest - FAT CHANCE!!! Hahaha....
Well, I saw a bumble bee the other day. To me that's a sign of spring. I want to see if I can get away with not wearing my Winter coat anymore. Today crushed my dreams. It looks dreary. Well, this is a nice distraction from my homework - I best get back.
~SLaw
On the upside - I have been spending time with friends a lot recently. Family day was a good start. And then our surprise trip to see Erin and the Winters crew who were also in Montreal. It was an amazing lil' getaway. Katherine's bday was good, a little stressful, but still fun - and I got to hang with a bunch of peeps I haven't seen in ages. Then people have just been over at our house pretty much non-stop. Which is great, but I'm running out of cash to buy food and booze all the time. I feel like I want to start harbouring stuff in my room so that I have something for myself at the end of the day. I have been constantly going out to party and to go to bars - my room is also a disaster from me constantly running out the door, getting wasted and then being too lazy to want to do anything but laze around and enjoy the little sunshine we have been graced with. I try to be low-key person, but let's be honest - FAT CHANCE!!! Hahaha....
Well, I saw a bumble bee the other day. To me that's a sign of spring. I want to see if I can get away with not wearing my Winter coat anymore. Today crushed my dreams. It looks dreary. Well, this is a nice distraction from my homework - I best get back.
~SLaw
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Got a Call Back
woooooooooooooooooooooo!!
I like these guys already. I had a super fantastic nap and missed a phone call from my potential employer. She wants to have a one-on-one interview now with me on Friday, so this is superb. Now I have to come up with another super fantastic outfit - gaaaah. Haha, as if that is the least of my worries. I can't believe how ultra easy it is to get to this location - barely 10 stops away (7 in fact, I just checked).
I'm actually really excited. I just called my parents, Drew and texted Cat. I can't believe I've been sooo unemployed for so LONG - holy crap. It will be nice to finally afford things again.
This is just another small step onto taking my life to new heights. I also can't believe I was such a mess only 6 months ago.
Oh and my half birthday was just afterValentine's day - I'm almost 26. Not sure how I feel about that. Better now knowing that I may be employed in the very near future.
Fingers crossed!
I like these guys already. I had a super fantastic nap and missed a phone call from my potential employer. She wants to have a one-on-one interview now with me on Friday, so this is superb. Now I have to come up with another super fantastic outfit - gaaaah. Haha, as if that is the least of my worries. I can't believe how ultra easy it is to get to this location - barely 10 stops away (7 in fact, I just checked).
I'm actually really excited. I just called my parents, Drew and texted Cat. I can't believe I've been sooo unemployed for so LONG - holy crap. It will be nice to finally afford things again.
This is just another small step onto taking my life to new heights. I also can't believe I was such a mess only 6 months ago.
Oh and my half birthday was just afterValentine's day - I'm almost 26. Not sure how I feel about that. Better now knowing that I may be employed in the very near future.
Fingers crossed!
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