Another Christmas Conquered...

...I thought Christmas was supposed to be full of joy that you share with your friends and family. I'm not sure I have felt that joy yet. Instead I'm full of rage due to being forced to be squashed into crowded malls, being forced to give gifts to people I don't think deserve them, being forced to do traditions that I no longer care about. I really want to do the things that are going to make me happy, but instead I'm doing the things that will make the ones around me happy. Which is fine, I like to see my near and dear happy - I mainly strive to make them happy. But now it has become even more apparent that I'm unhappy in doing so. So why do we do this? Its only the best of intentions, and at least I see that.

I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have like over the past week. Maybe two or three hours a night before getting up and trudging on making sure everything is done and packaged by Christmas Eve. So today, as much as I want to get out and about, I'm going to take it slow - or the burnout is going to hurt me even more and getting back up on my feet will be even harder.

I want Drew to pay attention to me more. I don't know how to make him understand. He doesn't see it the way I do. At least I know he's trying and I guess I'll have to settle with that. I just wish I felt more like a happy couple rather than the annoying nagging girlfriend. Maybe I need to give him more space. I wish I could separate myself from him. Clearly I need another hobby (or better - A FUCKING PAYING JOB). I don't want to drag this out. I just want it fixed, or to get over it or SOMETHING - something more than what "this" is. I can't bare to be so upset all the time. Its not healthy for one. And two, well... I don't know where I was going with that - but yeah... its just not fun.

Cat and I have Angels in America coming up this month. I really don't want to do it anymore. We were supposed to get paid for it but now that the theatre company didn't get the grant they had hoped to get - we get nothing. This is only going to prolong me getting a part time job - no good. But I just don't know how to tell them, or worse, I don't know how to tell Cat I really don't want to participate this time around. What I do want to do is help Cat out, she is relying on me, so I guess I'm in. *sigh* I just wish I had better skills at future-projecting or better time management - or I dunno what you'd call it - to see that the things I commit to are just bad ideas/timing.

I just want to be independent and self sufficient. I want to come here one day and stop complaining about everything....

I have to try harder....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (Erin comes tomorrow - that should put a smile on my face!)

What am I doing here??

So yeah... I vowed not to sleep over at Drew's place for at least 2 months... but so far, I have been here 6 nights this month already.

Twice was because I had to do homework and I don't have the internet at my house. Seemed legitimate.

Then we went to B and Armour's housewarming party... it was so close to Drew's house, it only seemed logical to pay for the shorter cab ride.

Then Monday night we went out, and even though it was closer to my house, Drew needed to go home for work early the next day.

Tuesday night... Wednesday night.... Drew got really sick. I decided to stay at his house to keep an eye over him. I know he says that he can take care of himself, but I wanted to help make sure he was going to be okay. Sometimes his stomach pain makes him curl up into a little ball and he can't do anything about it. I don't like seeing him hurt like that, I want to help him ease the pain so that he can get back up on his feet. Like I always tell him: if you're not around, then who is going to take care of me. And YEAH, I know... I'm strong enough to take care of myself too, but its nice to know that I have a safety net - it allows me to go out on a limb more, take a little bit more of a risk. Besides, I got some beading done, I shipped a package to Illinois - being productive was a good trade for sleeping over.

...but then I think... I'm not standing my ground... My mind is muddled. Does Drew not realize how much it means to me to have to compromise on this. I complained the other day that he keeps breaking promises to me, to help me unpack my room and such. He tells me he hasn't had the chance to do that himself. Baloney. He's had since September.... I don't have the luxury of prolonging it that much. Richard will be moving in soon and I have taken over his entire room. I have too much stuff.... But if I never came over here, I'd never see him... and right now I need him in my life... I know I'm smothering him, nagging him... that's why he doesn't communicate with me. He doesn't know how to tell me to go away... he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... its a vicious cycle... One that I have come to realize has happened and had probably been the demise of all of my relationships. Why do I do this??? I have a lot to think about....

.......the sun is shining today. I told Cat over gmail chat that I was going to use this as a good sign today. Get a lot done.... I have a bunch of necklaces to do...then I need to upload some photos to my other blog. I need to update the posts, I've written them but haven't published them. Then I have to go to the Fox and the Fiddle on the Danforth to pick up my IDs. Then I have to book it downtown to get some more earring findings. Then I have to go meet my mom for some Christmas shopping (UHG - I hate mall shopping with large crowds, it makes me a cranky crazy person. And the consumerism makes me want to barf.... I wasn't cut out for this kind of society). Imma be exhausted when I get home. I promised Cat I'd make some veggie soup for her. I'll see if I can pick up some groceries while I'm out with my mom, mainly lots of broccoli and cauliflower and maybe some noodles. Drew says he wants to come over... I think he's just doing it to shut me up instead of really wanting to. I know he wants to tackle his room. I need to give him more credit than doubting him. I just have been so skeptical of everything lately.... to tired to want to endure any more hurt. I have no patience for anything these days.... thank god I'm not a parent... I'd probably drown my kids by accident.

Anyway, if I type anymore its just going to put more of a delay on my list of things to do today...

*sigh*

JUST SMILE - its going to be okay, you're doing well for yourself... picking up the pieces just takes time.... you can do it....

Sometimes, I just need to force myself to be positive... sometimes it works - I hope that that "sometimes" is going to be today.

What has happened??

Its a bit of a blur from what I was to what I am right now...

A while has passed since my last post. I have moved, I have had an insane holiday party at the new house, I have lost my IDs, I have found my IDs, I have reached the depths of my debt...

But all in all, I feel pretty good. I'm much calmer, I'm much more clear headed... just trying to make it through this month so that I can look for a job in the new year.

I can't believe Christmas is so close. And this year I believe even less in this ridiculous holiday. I just know the stress of shopping with my mom is coming... at least this time I don't have much to worry about... I don't have any money to spend.

I do however need to think of something to give to Drew... I know we discussed not giving each other anything but "time". Meaning we'd put the money we would have normally spent on a gift for each other in a little getaway some time later in the future. Which would be great because I feel that our time is never properly utilized when we hang out. There are always chores, or something to argue about, or some friend needing a shoulder to cry on... Not that any of that stuff is bad... I just wish we had more time to JUST us. Like okay, he was sick the past few days and didn't go to work, but that really wasn't spending time together, he was just sleeping off his fever. BUTYEAH > I was saying... I want to find something little to tickle his toes and warm the deepest parts of his heart. Something that has more meaning than just saying "I love you" like we do everyday. Nothing materialistic, nothing expensive... just something that speaks volumes about me loving him, and being thankful that he has stayed by my side for this long... aaaaw shit, and now he knows... because he reads this blog.... but I want him to know... because I want him to know how much he means to me :) Despite all the craziness that has been going on between us. I want to have faith that we are going to be okay on the other side regardless how we turn out as a couple.

Okay back to beading....

PLEASE, SOMEONE OUT THERE, JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!

I just wish that one day, ONE DAY, of my pathetic little life would just be:

quiet

peaceful

still

serene

easy

fun

And I don't need all at once. Just one would do... even just for a half day. Even for just an hour. I'm THAT desperate for things to just go my way for once. I know that negative thinking brings negative outcomes, but I just need a freakin' bone here. Just a little helping hand.

Or maybe just for December to pack its bags and fuck off. October did it, why can't December? Everything just enrages me. I have little or no patience for anything or anyone. I'm turning into one of those crazy people you see drifting in the subway or outside of convenience stores... you know, the ones that glare at you as you walk by and yell profanities... the ones mumbling to themselves how horrible the world is while they fidget with their dirty clothes and hair.... the ones thrashing at invisible evil forces and then ask you for change.... I'm turning into one of THOSE people.... GUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUHHHH....

I'm so goddamned frustrated.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy or fair - but comon'!!!! Give me a fucking BREAK!

And if you excuse me, I have butt-load of homework to do.... and maybe somewhere in the mix I'll have time to eat something... or to go for a pee.... I just don't understand how I don't have time for the simplest of bodily functions. If breathing wasn't an involuntary action, I'm pretty sure something would get in my way to prevent me from doing it on time... AND THEN I'D JUST DIE.

Good. Freud was right, we all have death wishes when happiness in no longer an obtainable goal....

I'm Streeeeeesssssssed

But when am I not complaining about being stressed? This time with a side order of panic.

On the upside: The move was good. Correction - it's good that it happened, but in no way did it happen in a "good" way. It was a stressful and antagonizing pack. My allergies plagued me the whole time. I was unprepared as to how much I would have to leave behind, break, throw out. But it had to happen. I needed to get out and move on. Then my help bailed on me. Which is fine if I had more notice. I would have compensated by doing more before hand. Instead I had to rope my "boyfriend" into renting a truck for me and my parents to help load the moving truck. Then it rained the end of the pack and the entire unpack, while illegally parked assholes watched us.... Not fun, it was exhausting - all I wanted to do was lay down for a sleep. But no, I had to trash my bed on account of bugs... (don't ask) BUT - Its great to finally be in my new place. Although I could totally live without sleeping on the floor and living out of boxes.

Agreement

We've come to an agreement.

It was a long tiresome night and morning. I held my ground and told him how hurt I was. Not just from him ditching me but in general. I waited for what I needed most - an apology. It took over two hours to get it out of him, but I got it. I lay down next to him and told him we have to find a new way of being together. He agreed. We decided that after the move we are going to break it off. And then start from scratch. I made a promise to not go over to his apartment for two months (considering I have slept in his bed for over two months) and if he wants to see and be with me, he has to make the effort and come over to my place (like, common, its so easy to get to). We still have to talk about how we are going to deal with pre-determined outings we RSVP'd to. For instance, his company's Christmas Party and my house's Holiday party (on the same night evidently).

This will be good - I hope. A fresh start, a new beginning. I told him we have to be friends first before we start being a couple again. He didn't like that but said it would be better off that way. We need our space and its hard to face that because we are so desperate for each other, so in love with each other.

But after the move I'm going to start limiting communication, for both of our sakes. It isn't going to be easy, but I just can't break up with him. Not like this. We have to at least legitimately try to get it worked out.

Its already really late in the day. I have a SHIT-TON more packing to do... I should get on my way.

Deeeeeeeeeeeep breath. You can do this.

Breaking Point

There just comes a time in the cycles of life where you just need to melt into a puddle on the floor. To feel completely and utterly hopeless.

Recycle vs Upcycle

So with my days of doing "nothing", I spend a lot of time on the internet. Especially because I'm apartment hunting, updating my website for my jewelry, sending resumes and cover letters like crazy... I feel like I'm doing nothing because I'm so stationary in front of Drew's Mac. Anyway, I spend a lot of time surfing the internet as I do my online chores and errands. I've been noticing the term "upcycle" popping up more and more. It intrigued me and I did some research. I was confused as to what this term could mean - aside from the similar sounding word "recycled". But I'm not sure if I'm more confused or did I just open a can of worms on the debate in my own head. Is this just the new, trendy version of "reuse"... I'm not sure, but I did like this quote from a sustainability awareness site:

"It is helpful to remember that one of the keys to upcycling is the awareness it sheds on us all. I would not try to take away from someone the joy of calling their work upcycled, if they think it is it probably is. Rather we should take a step back and realize all of these efforts are helping us move towards an awareness of the waste in our own lives, in all forms."

Site: http://www.sustainabilitydictionary.com/u/upcycle.php

As I sit here and think deeply into my own existence - desperately trying to figure out what my purpose is, who I am in the mix of everything - I feel like I have the opportunity to recreate myself a bit. This crisis that I feel like I'm undergoing is potentially a really good thing. I really haven't thought about it this way. Instead I have been stuck on doubting myself, thinking I am a complete screw up, thinking that my life is almost over and I have done nothing with it. I'm going to hold onto this positive feeling for as long as I can. I think I'm going to need it in the upcoming weeks as I get scrutinized by potential landlords and employers. I feel like I have been presented with a clean slate. I'm at a stage in life where I'm making my own choices instead of them being dictated by authorities such as parents, or teachers or what have you... I feel like I was mislead for a while. Its scary too because then I have to face consequences of bad choices on my own... but I'm not dumb, I think I'll be fine.

Anyway, what I was getting at with the upcycling and such is I feel like I have an opportunity to set things straight. I have the opportunity to put myself on a track that I feel comfortable following. I think it started with the goals. I was striving towards things that I knew I would benefit from and completing them made me happy. I can start doing things that coincide with my core beliefs, not ones that I felt I was dictated to follow because of an authority figure. I can do things that I feel is contributing to the greater good for me and those around me and those in my surrounding community. I am the authority figure in my life now.

The sun is shining, I feel as strong as the rays coming in the window right now. I can only home I can hold onto this feeling long enough to make some progress that will allow me to have something to show for. Like a job, or a place to live....

Anyway, check out my site so far. I need feedback, staring at it with my own two eyes for as long as I have - I feel like I've hit a road block... I will be loading more pictures to it today.

ENJOY some beads!

SLaw

Monday, Monday..... just like any other Monday...

I've started to play around with the layout and the HTML of this blog... so, if looks crapped up and you can't read it, that's why. I figure I'd better start practicing here before taking on the challenge of newhomefreeland.com. I also had a bit of a look-see with the website that I made for the memoryscape project. Speaking of which - I have to do another one.... but of a Toronto Monument. One that will pull us away the personal nature we encountered in the first project. If you have any suggestions, please let me know... I'm thinking of doing the sculptures at University and Queen. I've never had a really good look at them, either I'm whizzing by on a street car or running across the intersection before the light changes. I couldn't even tell you what the statues are about. I'm sure there will be some literature about them as well. I mean, even during Frosh Week when we're all standing in the fountain.... the most I remember was Heather convincing some homeless guy to put his dick away.

Today is Monday... I just realized I don't have class tomorrow. This is a week of doing nothing. I should really start packing. I got an "apology" message on facebook (I guess you could call it that... although there was really no apology - just another excuse or explanation for what has transpired... maybe I'm being too critical... maybe I'm just good at running and hiding), so I have to see how I'm going to approach it. The ball is in my court now. Gord and I found some awesome potential places.... I guess we'll have to find some time to look at these places and make a decision.

I started designing my own necklaces now... with no input other than my own inspiration. I also finished an order for Woods & Woods again. I guess I should update that blog and website too. Lots to do online!! I also should get on a set of November goals.... already a third of the way through. On top of that I'll have to send out my annual email to friends and family to see if I can snag a couple of more orders, get me through the month. I have to also try to get my hands on resin.

My insecurity is waivering. I feel like I'm riding ocean swells.... one minute I'm so sure about myself and the next I feel like I'm a delusional degenerate. The weather is nice, so I have that to help me keep my spirits hight.

Drew went to the Urgent Care clinic at the hospital near my house to have his shoulder looked at. He has been keeping the both of us tossing and turning all night long. I can't tell you how long its been since I've had a good night's sleep. It shows in my face too... I just look tired all the time.... and I barely leave the apartment. A shower would do me good too I'm sure. My chronic back pain is back, last night was bad - then it suddenly disappeared - but that could have been the wine.

We went to go see Junior Boys. I would like to say that it was good. I know I had a good time, I know the music was great... but I was too drunk. Too drunk to appreciate the musical talents that I paid to see... how disappointing. But that is what I get for thinking I could drink 5 beers in an hour or so.... just drowning my sorrows... letting everything blurrrrrrrrrrr......

Anyway, listening to Neon Indian has also proved to keep me from curling up into a ball and sleeping the beautiful day away. I forced myself to go outside and get a newspaper. I did the crossword in the breezy sunshine.... I gave my Metropass to Nick so that he could get back and forth from school today or else I'd go for a walk downtown.

The dishes have piled high from feasting yesterday. I guess I should contribute. After all, I complained how I was feeling taken advantage of and decided to sit on my ass for a week... now I just feel bad.

OH GET OVER IT SLAW....

okay, I'm going to go get over it.

My Weekend is almost more than 4 days long...

... and it starts today.... depressing or a god-send?... I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm in the computer lab across campus. My class ended about an hour ago. I have to meet up with my mom for some pre-Christmas shopping (ew - let me divulge in that later...) so I have to wait around campus for her to pick me up after she is done work. I really want to go back to the apartment so that I can finish my new beading order. Drew's mom called us before heading out for Halloween festivities to request some "scarf holders". I'll put some photos up once I get a shots of them.

serenity gone...

and the facade goes up again...

I have to leave or I might actually show how irritated I am. I don't need new friends, I like the ones I have. I miss my boyfriend. We should have thought things through - we both want something that we can't have. I don't know how much more I can endure of this... this waiting... waiting for happiness. I don't want to settle for mediocre any more. I want to throw it all off of the balcony, get some satisfaction. Get to feel something other than smothered.

Thank God for my great escape... my sacred savior is pulling through for me.

I have this incredible urge to break out into tears, but I'll save myself some dignity. I'll wait for the bathroom to be free and go cry in the shower... I'm so pathetic. When did I settle for this? This is not what I signed up for. I want my things my way NOW... but then I would be considered a selfish bitch... and I would have burned even more bridges.

So what is this all about? Are you supposed to go through life making sure those around you are happy because it makes you happy. What happens when all of the ones that surround you are happy, but you are miserable? Did I miss the lesson? I'm wandering aimlessly. I don't know what to do... I've been saying that for far too long. Where am I?

Not here.

And the roller coaster hurdles down hill again: Jill of all trades, master at nothing.

I've resorted to crying again. It seems and feels like the only thing I can do. I NEED to get rid of this hurt, this pain, this feeling of hopelessness. There are so many layers upon layers its hard to see what I'm even upset about these days. And it may be something very small and insignificant... but because there is so much adding up, the baggage I carry weighs down on the rest, each situation's emotional attachment feeding on the other making it grow into an uncontrollable blob. I've been keeping my chin up for a while... things started to look up and I was happy again. I was beginning to feel like myself.

Then yesterday happened.

Am I just naive?

No matter where I go, what I do, I feel taken advantage of. Today I lashed out. I'm mad and I'm upset. I don't feel appreciated and I feel hurt that people think that they can just treat me like this. Is this what society is like, even my friends? Is everyone an asshole? Or am I just delusional... am I the only idiot that believes in helping others out, in lending my time, in sharing my resources.

I never used to care about money or materialistic things... but as every day goes by, I want to horde it all to myself. I want to make sure I get my fair share. I want to make sure I get my cut. It goes against almost everything I stand for... as I sit here, just thinking about it, I'm just more and more upset.

I'm going to be late for class, I should go...

Just checkin' in, so you know I'm alive... I'm not dead - yet.

Its been a while... not that NOTHING has been happening... just didn't figure the same complaints were interesting enough to post. October is almost at an end... I failed my goals for this month. I have been completely distracted. I did not find a storage place, I did not pack anything, I did not stretch once in the morning, I barely ate breakfast twice a week... terrible. I'm trying to let myself know I'm disappointed that I didn't even try to resurrect the second half of the month... but it doesn't really phase me at all... I'm more disappointed about that than not completing the goals. I have however been getting other things accomplished. Like homework for one. I'm really on the ball this time around. Maybe a little last minute getting things printed off, but completed none the less. I also still have not missed a class (*yay*small applause*).

Speaking of class, my prof canceled our last Tuesday class and were told to meet at the Grange in the AGO on Wednesday night for a guided tour. It was AMAZING... I want to share my experience, but its really a "had to be there" kind of thing. But if you do go see it - be sure to contact me so we can gush over how fantastic it was... I have no one to talk about it with, and if I did share it here - well, I'd be an asshole and it would be ruined for all.

I have made a to do list for today... I got about half way through and now I'm not motivated to do anything more than just lie in bed ('cause Drew and I HAVE ONE AT THE APARTMENT NOW!!) and enjoy the sunshine and the crisp blue sky.

I want to bead more, but I'm hoping that will be my prize today if I get all my "chores" done. I finished my order for Woods & Woods - its sooo nice to have income again. But I'm not sure how steady its going to be... my never-ending search for employment continues. I wish I wasn't so picky about where I work - or I'd dive into anything at this point. At least I have first and last for when I move. Which looks more like a December 1st rather than next weekend.... its a little disappointing but totally realistic and I've accepted it. That just means November is going to be focused on packing. BLAH... I hate moving - even though I want to more than anything in the world right now. Living in such close quarters with Drew has its finer moments, but we're beginning to cramp each other's need for space. Which is another reason I don't want to leave the apartment today. I have space to myself... I could run around naked if I wanted to. *sigh* and it will be short lived too because Keyel will be home soon.

Anyway, I have to go to the bank so that I can do the rest of the laundry.... perhaps get some food for the apartment too. I'm worried I don't earn my keep here.

Well, I'm behind on my plan for today if I want to feel accomplished and see Armourtime's play tonight... I think doors open at 8pm and starts at half-past, and I know that's a good 5 hours away... but knowing me and my pace... I'll just be annoyed that I'm rushed and end up being late. As per usual.

Things don't always go as you plan...

...and this time it wasn't so bad.

I decided to quit convo... a last minute decision.

I got "Swing" as my position for crying out loud. That's $12/hr. And not that I'm complaining about the pay or the fact that they gave me a job, no I'm very thankful for that. But comon'... demote me?? After all I have done??? I don't think so... not worth my time and effort anymore - OBVIOUSLY. I gave my all to that department. I worked my ass off to give them a close to perfect team. Years ago they were so disorganized... and this is how they show their appreciation. Throw me a job just to keep me quiet... how rude. But I'm not trying to take it personally.

Hence why saying I was not going to come in for my shifts was so easy. School first. I had a project to do... and I have just handed it in. I'm very proud of it. (Oh... and I got to go to Shout because of that decision... :D )

Check this shit out:

http://sites.google.com/site/memoryscapervl/

I'm not completely useless...

Productivity has been my goal for this week. I'm not sure how well I'm doing on that venture but at least I'm not lazing around. Its reading week. This is the first time the University has implemented a reading week in the fall term. So I have been able to get a head start on my project for my Tuesday class... I still have a lot of work to do, but I really can't to do too much until I get my responses from the questionnaire I sent out at the beginning of the week. I went to the AGO on Wednesday to look for a painting or sculpture that I could do my museum/gallery report on. I rrrrreally want to go back, I was literally there for only 20 minutes. I was in a rush to get back to have dinner with Drew, and in the process had my keys and metropass stolen/lost. I'm so frustrated - its not even half way through the month. I spent every last dime I had on jewelry supplies for my upcoming order for Drew's parents' store. I have no way to transport myself across the city... I can't shell out any more money on transit passes because I have to save up for first and last for Gord's and my new place (and we haven't found a decent place yet....). What a fuckin' bummer. No keys either... I'll figure it out. Right now I'm trying to forget about it and move on. Saying my keys got stolen is a much easier pill to swallow than just being plain irresponsible and losing them (Frak - they were right in my pocket at St. Patrick Station and NOT when I got to Bloor.... guh).

ANYWAY - I've been shooting my jewelry today and uploading them to a blog and website I made specifically for "S Jewelry". I am ultra stoked to bring this site to fruition. Here's the link:

Website: http://sites.google.com/site/essjewelry/

Blog: http://sjewelry.blogspot.com/

And here are some photos from my first shoot of the day... speaking of which - I should get back before I loose my sunlight for the day.



Cheers,
SLaw

awaiting your response....

...I sent Drew a message complaining about how unhappy I am that I cannot go to Shout this coming weekend. Being responsible is just so much harder... harder than being as carefree as I want. But that isn't going to make me enough money to find a new place to live.

Keyel is smoking in the apartment, I can smell it... Drew's rearranged room is messy, and tidying it and doing his laundry just isn't very appealing right now. I cannot express how forward I'm looking to living in my own space. I haven't been back to my house for almost two weeks now... since the Vanilla Fortress party. I have to go back now because of work... so that I'm close enough to be at the Rexall Centre for 7:30am... I just can't believe the only two days of work that I'm getting this month are on the shows. AND I've been demoted. I shouldn't take it personally because its not a personal thing - they aren't demoting me because they feel I deserve it - its all about budget, budget, budget. I just wish the office would take their students into consideration a little more. Considering I lost so much sleep and so much of my sanity while working for them in the summer.

But on the upside. I had a conversation with my best friend the other day. She has been in this rut where she doesn't think very highly of herself, that she's worthless and can't do anything (sounds like someone else I know). And its funny, looking out, I could tell her to do all these things that will make her feel better and I actually got her motivated again. Why is looking in so much harder? Being down on yourself is so much easier than constantly working up to be happy. But I think it was good for both of us. She's motivated again and so am I.

So the October goals are sucking right now, hahahha. I have not stretched every morning - and I definitely have not eaten breakfast every morning... I was thinking of revising the list, but then again, I don't want to dumb it down so that its easier. That's not the point. Its about showing myself what I am capable of and what I need to work on (in terms of time management and commitment). It really gets me thinking about what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I actually am.

Drew and I have been on and off... our alone time has been consumed by arguing. One night he spent 6 hours (2am to 8am) on transit after ditching me to go party with the people that we were out for dinner with. I was wrecked that night with thoughts that something terrible had happened or that he was just protesting against me. I lashed into him when he finally got home... We seem to have it worked out for now. Things have just happened too fast for us, and I know our situation is kind of different because I'm "forced" to live at his place until I get my footing again, but we're both too stubborn for our own good. At least I don't go to bed crying anymore.

Well, I'm distracted...

~SLaw

When did it all start going down hill?

I used to be very confident. My self-esteem was at an ultimate high. I loved everything I was doing, I loved where I lived, I love the people I lived with, I loved my friends and the people around me. Why do I think it has all turned to shit? Everything is the same, nothing has moved... why the change of heart?

I need to stop kidding myself... I still have all those things. Its definitely easier said than done. I read a blog entry of mine from about a month ago (SHOCKING I KNOW... I read something I wrote) and I was so much happier than I am now.

I've made a promise to myself (Yeah... I did that yesterday too, but we all know how that went - I BROKE IT). I promise that I will go to my house tonight, I promise to pay my rent and bills, I promise to pack a bag for warm clothing and get some appropriate shoes, I promise to go to the Vanilla Fortress house warming party, and I promise I will have lot of fun. I'm gonna look good, I'm gonna to feel good, and I'm gonna hug all of my friends.

I'm also going to photography my earrings and share them with you. Tell me what you think.

I found something that made me laugh while sitting here by myself in Drew's apartment. This guy cracks me up and makes me realize that what I'm worrying about and why I feel so down is just so insignificant. I have a lingering smile as I write this. I literally watched as many as I could before realizing that I have some other things to attend to - LIKE GETTING MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER...

Here are some of my favourites:





Enjoy: LiveLavaLive

Cheers,
SLaw the BLaw

October Goals

I'm in a much better mood than before. I talked to E and Drew online while I tried to navigate through what my new goals for this month should be.

I pulled my party wristband off today... it was beginning to slip after I got out of the shower. I know I could have managed to save it, but I didn't want to risk losing it somewhere (since I have such a bad habit of losing EVERYTHING). I was kind of sad doing it... so much so that I put it back on and pressed down on the adhesive to ensure that it was secure... but as I did it, standing there fresh from a shower, it didn't feel right. I am clearly holding onto things... perhaps just for nostalgia's sake. I hurts to think of how things were, so happy. And to think of things now, I'm miserable. Its a terrible cycle, a nasty revolution. So I pulled it off and put it out of sight in a drawer in Drew's room.

I keep saying I want to upload my notes here... I haven't gotten around to it. My brain likes to take over and make me do other things, like MOPE and stare out of windows. But my classes, haha, they are so relative to what I'm thinking about day-in and day-out. I have a project that involves exploring a personal space - documenting it in an inter-medial way. I'm very excited for it. I just hope I can pull it off in less than 20 days - 'cause that's when its DUE!!

Anyway:

OCTOBER GOALS - in no particular order:
-finish (or start rather) Dr. Nick's paintings
-buy epoxy resin and molds
-put $100 in new savings account (doesn't have to be all at once)
-find an affordable and accessible storage unit
-make 10 more sets of earrings and 1 full set (necklace, earrings, bracelet)
-eat breakfast every morning
-bring packed boxes/furniture to the storage unit every weekend
-start every morning with stretches
-create a catalog of images for new art piece
-make a blog to display jewelry available for sale

FIngers crossed I make it this time. I was four earring pairs, two watercolour paintings, and two movies away from completing all ten goals.

~SLaw

Keep your shit together, girl!!

I don't know where to begin. I feel bi-polar. One minute I'm enthusiastic about my life, that I'm enforcing positive change and becoming a responsible, independent individual. Then the next, I'm curled up in a ball crying my face off, desperate to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and counting all the awful things that are happening to me on my fingers. There is no happy medium - I can't find a middle ground. I feel like I can stand only at either end of the equilibrium. Its driving me insane... and I'm sure its the same for the people around me.

Up
and
down
and
up
and
down
and
up
and down.....

I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time and its beginning to swirl into a complicated mess in my head. Its exhausting... I'm soon going to spiral out of control. I've got to keep my shit together!

I feel pathetic. I have fabricated a situation in my head that probably seems wosre than it actually is. I have trapped myself - I have avoided dealing with my problems head on. How did I think that running away from a situation would magically fix my woes? I have been wearing the same 6 articles of clothing for over a week now, which does not include a jacket and I had to ask Keyel to borrow a sweater for class today. I only have flip flops and high heels to keep my feet warm, I've borrowed a pair of socks from Drew but my feet keep slipping in my heels. My cell phone is broken leaving me disconnected from the world that is constantly begging my attention. I can't do my homework because I've left my books in my room that I refuse to visit without an entourage. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I creating a bigger mess than is necessary. I know I'm the only one with answers - and I'm avoiding them.

I'm too hard on myself... or maybe I'm not hard enough. I need to push myself to do what is right. Its looking me in the face but I don't have the balls to stare it right in the eyes. That's so pathetic.

I miss this person:
<3SLaw

Dog Days of Summer

Google - you're amazing...

So I spent the first part of the morning watching Google videos on their (new) initiatives. I requested for a Google Wave invite... I doubt I'll get one, but I REALLY want one.

I have always loved my gmail account, but I will definitely make way for Wave.

And have you heard about Google Voice? The new neighbours told me about it over pints at the Ab. Unfortunately its only available in the states... but count me in when its available north of the boarder.


And this is for someone as direction disoriented as me:


But these programers are just genius... I still have trouble understanding HTML... and I'm designing a website right now?? Haha, I make myself giggle at the initiatives that I take on, but I make art with my hands, not a keyboard and mouse.... so its proven a little difficult.

I really wish that I could remain technologically independent (considering any cell phone or electronic has a life span of 6 months to a year in my hands - how does this happen all the time?) but then again, there are so many amazing things happening to make people's lives "easier". What did we do before all of these gadgets and do-dads? I remember always having a payphone calling card in my wallet so that I could call people when I was out and about. I didn't have a cell phone or the internet in my house until near the end of OAC - and now I can't seem to live without it. Well, I'm sure that I could live without it just fine - but being so disconnected from the rest of the world.... mmm, I'll give in on that one.

<3 SLaw

September Goals Revisted

SEPTEMBER: in no particular order
1- see three movies with Drew (1 at TiFF)
2- give 2 month's notice at end of month
3 - make 10 sets of earrings for 'Woods & Woods'
4- make at least 2 fully inked and watercoloured illustrations
5- go to the Toronto Island at least once
6- buy groceries only from the local (farmer's) markets (no chain grocery stores)
7- open a new savings account
8- get a credit card
9- actively pursue a new job
10- get a hair cut that you like

The only thing I can add to that I did was give my two month's notice... It has been a painful journey following doing so. This goal has in fact not allowed me to successfully accomplish the rest of the goals on the list. I haven't finished my watercolours, I have not finished the earrings for 'Woods & Woods', I have not gone to see the remaining 2 movies (although I bought 4 pre-paid passes to any Cineplex).... I have however had time to apply for some prospective jobs. So I guess all is not a loss. My hair cut has already begun to show signs of growing out... I want it even shorter now... but that is silly, I can live with this bob, its cute and takes a little more maintenance than I realized.

Back to what I was saying with the 2 month's notice to move out. I have taken it one step further. If you read the post previous to this one, you'll notice that I'm "removing" myself. Yep, despite the fact that I will be paying rent until November I am packing my things now and plan to be out of the Shithaus before the end of October. Roughly around the weekend of the 23rd, if I can make it happen sooner, I'll jump at the opportunity. I can't subject myself to this kind of environment any longer. Call it being a pussy, call it being childish, call it whatever you like, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, I am unhappy and I want to create results now. I have had enough of giving "time" to people so they can figure out their shit and feelings and whatever... What about time for ME? Is anyone setting aside time for me? Not really, but now that I am in a crisis are my TRUE friends stepping up to the plate (thanks guys for supporting me - and sorry to bring you into this dirty mess of mine).

Who knew growing up could be so frustrating?? But that's life I guess, shitty hands are dealt more regularly than the ones that will have a big pay off.

But on a more positive note - October is around the bend and a new set of 10 goals are underway!!

<3 SLaw

'Sup dummie

What a mess, what a fucking mess this is. I'm trying to be as neutral to the situation as possible but its really hard when I feel like I'm being attacked. I don't go home any more. Its no longer my home, I'm not comfortable there. I'm not sure when I became the "bad guy" but acting like an adult is so difficult when I'm surrounded by childish behaviour. I have no more sympathy for other's mistakes, I need to focus on my life and my life alone. I'm too nice, I get taken advantage of and trampled on - and when I finally stand up for myself I get shit on.

Its a shame friendships will be lost in the end of it all... but I didn't bring it to this level. All I know is that if I'm going to keep my cool and not act rash I have to remove myself from the conflict completely. I'm done arguing, I'm done trying to shine light on it, I'm done, done, DONE. There is nothing left to do but leave... I would like to say that I hope it all works out for them in end, but frankly feeling this hurt and disrespected I just want to see it all fall in their faces, I want to see them fail. But that's not me, I'm diplomatic, I'm fair and I'm kind.

You're just too dumb to see that.

I want to be here more often...

It frustrates me that what I can share is dictated by my availability to the internet.

I carry a note book around with me, it is my everything. Right from to do lists, grocery lists, doodles, my journal, my class notes, email drafts... everything. It is a place for me to record things when my brain is brimming with too much information or else I'll forget it. Its kind of funny though, as soon as I release my mind from all the information and thoughts that are floating up in there its like I've forgotten them anyway. I rarely look back at my lists or my journal entries. I have accepted making way for new information and thoughts... I was in a certain mind set when I wrote all of that down and upon looking at it again its like looking at old ugly photos of myself, I can't change the past and I've moved on with a new set of emotions and perspectives.

There are issues like this that we discuss in my Tuesday class. Memory and Space. I'm not sure if I have mentioned but I think I'm going to upload my class notes here. Not only so that I have a permanent copy that I can refer to in the case that I loose my hand written material (which is entirely possible) but so you can have a taste of what we are discussing. Its truly interesting.... FINALLY! Classes I enjoy going to, I ACTUALLY look forward to going.

But anyway, I want to be here more often. I want to make this blog so much more than it already is. Just text. Which isn't bad, but I want to share so much more. Not having the internet at home sucks. I have to rely on other sources of the interweb like here in the computer lab - which is entirely irritating.... or my neighbour's house or at Drew's. I don't like having these kinds of limits but you can't always get what you want. I'm dealing with it, its not the best but its okay.

In today's class about European art between the Wars we discussed Readymades... I know this is a pretty tired topic by now in my final year... but we have an entirely different approach to it. We actually talk about art, instead of regurgitate artists and titles and dates and lame excuses for a synopsis of concept. I, for once, am not afraid to share my two cents.

[inner monologue: I HATE this lab... its distracting and frustrating. There are so many people abusing the service that is provided here. My creativity is always compromised - my serenity erased... I find it hard to appreciate the things right in front of me when I see so many people getting away with practically MURDER.... this tangent isn't important. I need to stay focused.]

I'm supposed to go shopping with my mom... we talked about capitalist societies and bourgeois consumerism and I almost feel bad for wanting to get some weather appropriate shoes. I already went shopping with my mom yesterday at the L'Oreal make-up show we go to seasonally. I'm so naive sometimes it hurts, it makes me nervous to participate in anything bigger than my humble bubble...

Drew and I are taking a bit of a break from being subjected to each other's presence all the time. Its difficult for us to be a couple living together when there is a roommate present all the time, especially in their apartment dynamic. But there is nothing wrong with that. Drew was afraid to tell me he needed space - fuck, I needed space. We were both just to sheepish to say something... how silly.

Anyway, furthering my eternal search for a decent job, I will not apply for something that I feel my skill and potential exceeds... This is a rough path to take but I'm determined to SHINE.

<3 SLaw

BUMP

Drew's making breakfast right now, I'm typing on his new computer. Its sexy, its sleek but the keyboard is really small and I keep making mistakes.

Yesterday we went to island with Keyel and Stormchaser. It was great to get away from the city to indulge what we normally can't out in the open public, like smoking, red wine and nude swimming.

My head hurts, like not figuratively but physically. I have a large bump on my fore head. What was a normal hangover on Saturday morning turned into a potential concussion. I must have blacked out and cracked my head on the bathroom tiles only to wake up screaming and spewing blood from my mouth. Drew dragged me off of the ground, I could feel my eye rolling into the back of my head. I couldn't stand, I couldn't see, I couldn't do anything but roll and moan in pain. Drew put me back to bed while he talked to my parents (I was supposed to meet them at the TMCC at 10am).... I managed to get up to look in the sink which was brimming with thrown up leftover coldcuts that I ate in an attempt to feed my empty drunk stomach. Then I looked in the mirror - a HUGE goose egg... OMG, thank god I have bangs now to cover it up. I'm slowly finding more and more bruises - they're brutal.

Okay chow time... more later.

SLaw

September Goals

I decided to post my goals.
I really want to make sure this works out for me.
Time management is something HUGE I need to work on and probably even just ESTABLISH in my life.

Don't get me wrong, spontaneity is great - but in the grand scheme of things planning is best, I can explore all aspects of getting to the result instead of just hoping it will turn out good and for the better.

SEPTEMBER: in no particular order
1- see three movies with Drew (1 at TiFF)
2- give 2 month's notice at end of month
3 - make 10 sets of earrings for 'Woods & Woods'
4- make at least 2 fully inked and watercoloured illustrations
5- go to the Toronto Island at least once
6- buy groceries only from the local (farmer's) markets (no chain grocery stores)
7- open a new savings account
8- get a credit card
9- actively pursue a new job
10- get a hair cut that you like

So far, I had an interview for a job (but didn't get it - oh well!), I have seen a movie at TIFF (REC.2 - AMAZING, will tell more later...), I applied for a credit card, I got a REAL savings account instead of a secret stash box in my underwear drawer, I have made 2 pairs of earrings for Drew's parents' store in Uxbridge, I have gone to the island once already with a plan to go this weekend, grocery shopping has been so much fun this month - local stores are AWESOME, and I got a new hair cut - and I love it!!

Pretty good since today is the 18th... I am hopeful that accomplishing the rest of the list won't be too hard.

Its been a while...

...but only because my roommates cannot afford the luxury of the internet. Its annoying... but its all going to change soon. *happy face*

I decided to make 10 goals per month, September's goals are going well, especially since I finalized the list just two days ago. I'm starting to think of October's goals. It gives me purpose and something to look forward to. And I HAVE to complete/accomplish them by the last day of the month, otherwise, I'm just breaking promises with myself. Reason being: if I can't trust myself to do 10 (simple) things in 30 days then how will people out there be able to do the same? I want to be more reliable, accountable and responsible. I feel that I already embody these traits, but heck there is always room for impovement... and I feel that working on these aspects of my life will encourage growth in me as an adult. I'm ready to be an adult and while I am an adult by age, I don't really feel it as a person...

I'm trying very hard to get myself organized. I want to be a young professional. I want it now. I'm so goddamned impatient.... But I guess it has something to do with the fact that all of my life (and this goes for many people too) I have had everything handed to me right when I want it. The world was at my finger tips. Throughout childhood and high school my parents and teachers always wanted the best for my success and gave me all that I needed to ensure that I got there: a roof over my head, 3 meals a day, clothes and school supplies, art lessons, study help, guidance and resources to acheive my goals to graduate and apply to university... and even in University too... and especially with the age change from the double cohort... University continues to infantile us. We want something and we want it now and we usually get it - on a silver platter too. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be dependent. I know I don't have to be, but now that I'm trying to actualize this goal to be independent I'm finding it so difficult because all the things I should have experienced and learned on my own have just been handed to me. Its frustrating to because I want the change to happen now. That's impossible and as much as that angers me... there is nothing to do but sit it out and enjoy the ride. I've accepted that. Its taken me a while, but now that I have I can say that I'm 10 times happier than I was maybe even a week ago.

I was breaking down crying all the time. It was hard because I didn't know why. Well, I shouldn't say that. I knew why, but it wasn't helping to know that I couldn't fix it right away and get immediate gratification that I improved my situation. It has taken countless days of weighing options, talking to friends, seeking advice and so on... its actually quite exhausting... before I felt confident in the choices that I'm making - for once.

My classes are thought provoking... I'm ACTUALLY enjoying class. I haven't missed one yet and I've done all of the readings (how untypical!) . Why weren't these sort of classes available to me before?? You know what, they were... its incredible to think that I'm such a different person now than I was a year and a half ago. I feel like a new breath has been blown into my soul. I'm so much more motivated and happy about the things I do instead of cowering and making excuses for being so "hard done to". I'm almost ashamed to think of how lame and stupid I was before - thinking that everyone was out to get me and "poor lil ol me" and I was just a victim. I'm washing away my past. I'm just going to be a forward thinker from now on and I'm going to stop dwelling on the past and how things "used to be so much better". I'm at an exciting time in my life. I want to move out on my own. I want to have a new job. I want to be an artist again. I want to take my beading seriously. I want to be involved in the community around me - and not in the sense of like college council but in the sense that I want be actively walking the streets and enjoying my environment (you can't do that where I'm living now without fear of maybe being mugged).

I'm not sure where this push to change came from... I'm not sure how I realized it. But I'm glad it happened now and I've stopped living a life of denial. I know I'm an amazing person and I have a lot to give - but its only been potential right now. I can't believe I allowed myself to be so stunted. I'm no longer hesitant, I have my head held up high again. It feels good.

Damn good.

happy once again - SLaw

Photographic evidence that I'm too involved here:

Hahahaha, check this out... so I just took a message for someone in our office from someone in The Office of the President. I was in the middle of something else so I didn't remember who called... so I decided to look her up on the directory. The extension she gave me was not listed (smart - no one in that office wants to be harrassed on the phone). So then I decided to check the website to see if their homepage had any clue to who it was - nope, but on the home page I found this picture!! Hahaha, I barely recall this photo even being taken.... good to see that I'm considered a 'model student' for the univeristy so much so the be posed next to the President himself! I wish someone told me to take the glasses off of my head...

And the funny thing, I didn't get to keep the tshirt!

Edit @ 3:00pm: This was taken on the same day - hah!


And check out this link... I have the first photo on my wall... (and facebook now that I think of it!!)

Get Out Of My Way!!

Summer is OFFICIALLY over - in my books anyway.

sooooooooo, I was 15 minutes late for work today because my usual serene bus stop was packed with ass holes. Today is the first day back to classes on campus. Two buses just drove past because they were too full. The next four buses could only let on about 10 to eight people before telling the rest of us that we'd have to wait for the next bus because they too were overloaded with students - even though I was at the stop WAY before most of the dicks that were standing there with me. I try to be polite and stand in line, but not when everyone pushes and fights their way to the open doors of the bus. I had to call my work to let them know of this delay... but no one seemed impressed when I walked in the door just over 10minutes of my usual arrival time. The silence is gone and now is replaced with the hubbub of students and faculty. Even getting to my building and THEN to the elevator was a struggle... there were people every where!! When did I become such a human-loathing person??!! Like I know I despise malls on weekends and the subway at rush hour... but who doesn't? I like my personal space and there are very few who I feel comfortable invading it. Just get out of my damn way so I can go on my day... grah - what a way to start my morning....

Last night was nerd-night with the boys ("Bear", "the Mohr", "Jay", "Gill" and "Gordo" and "CrAZY Drew"). It was a good time, I'm beginning to feel a little more comfortable with role-playing - hahaha, I would normally never catch myself dead participating in something like this, but somehow with these guys its totally normal and way fun. Gill showed me a website for submitting illustrations for stuff like what we are doing after he saw my little doodles in my binder that I do to keep me entertained while its "not my turn" and to remember plot line (my attention span is not that long, sorry!). I think I'm going to do it. Gill has been pushing me to be more creative and to utilize my talents. I have been dying to get back into visual arts, but its not at matter of time, its not a matter of space, it really has to do with being inspired. I just don't feel that I am. I have dark looming clouds over my head and I'm currently trying to evade them so I can resume being "bubbly SLaw" instead of placating those emotions. But in any case, I brought my sketch book to work with me, might doodle during lunch and after work.... might make a venture to the Abby for a pint (Its Dr's birthday today, as well as my Frosh Boss from first year ("Todd")), so he will be hanging around. I want to wish him face to face, texts and facebook just really don't suffice for my close friends. I just hope it isn't going to be packed since its the official re-open date... I just want to enjoy the atmosphere in my own space.

The executive officer said she'd keep my contacts and class schedule on her desk so that if she ever needs extra help in the office they will call me right away instead of putting up another job posting. Its good to know that someone is looking out for my well being - that boost my ego a little bit - and I feel that I need it. I haven't heard back from TPM (the theatre job I applied for) about the position... but its only the beginning of the day. I really hope that I get the position... some steady income would be fabulous right now and it would expediate getting a place of my own. I can't stress any more how much I really need this to happen. I want to encourage growth in my life and right now all I feel is destruction. Not destruction to anyone or anything, but I feel this destructive force gurgling in my st0mach that makes me want to lash out and crush everything about me. That's not healthy... I'm worried for myself. I need to find salvation... but in the mean time, I'll just sit here patiently at the front desk answering questions as best I can and I'll roam the hallways while students bustle by me and I'll sit quietly at the Ab minding my own business and I'll go home and keep to my room - all patient and quiet - hoping that no one will get in my way and I accidentally kill them with my mean words and my evil eye stare.

I'm just happy that the phone has not rung once this morning....

SLaw

Cleansed

I had a shower...

...much better. Tried to talk with Drew - but chatting over the internet is never the same. I tried to commit to my promise to myself to not text, or message or call him at all today. I didn't work. Why can't I detach myself from him right now? That's a rhetorical question by the way. I'm supposed to be embracing this distance and I have not made the best of it yet.

I'm really frustrated where I am right now - I'm just complaining about everything. I know the more I point out things the worse its going to get. I'm just going to end up nic-picking over everything and become more miserable than I already am.

Like I was lamenting before - I want to get to the next plateau.... I have all these great ideas in my head for art pieces and can't even get started on them because of the house. I have tired to be creative in other places, but they aren't my own. I don't want to impose my creative process and mess on someone else's space. Keyel mentioned to me that he's seen me be artistic in his and Drew's apartment more in one week than I have been in the entire time he has known me at NHFL.... interesting observation. I'm craaaaving to be let free - but with being completely free comes not caring about responsibilities and their consequences... I'm not ready to face the consequences if I let go of my current responsibilities.... I have to let go a little bit at a time, I just wish the process would be faster...

I'm too damn impatient!!

Well, I have a lunch date with the Dr. He's expecting me. I have to pick up soup still.

I just got a call from the office. They want me to work tomorrow - I wish they would just face the facts that they can't function without me and hire me on full time!! Hahaha, but then again, do I want to get sucked in for life and have to deal with the bureaucratic BS everyday??? Hmmmm.... don't think so. Still have my fingers crossed for the job I got interviewed for... Will let you know as soon as I know.

Cheers,
SLaw

Bitchy...

... I feel cranky, I feel it lurking under my skin. Only because I have so many questions floating around in my head and I don't know how to get the answers. Its not a matter of just asking, these questions are more complicated than that. Sometimes its a questions that shouldn't be asked right now, sometimes its a question that I don't want to know the answer to just yet, and some of the questions are to myself and I just don't know the answer right now...

Like with this set of regained fears that I have. Not the kind of fears that inhibit my day to day actions but nag my drifting thoughts... I can't even be still in my own head. Right now, I'm in one of those spots where I just want to be around people... Its not really a rut if you think about it, but being alone is somewhere I don't want to be. I really enjoy my alone time. Heck, I'm an only child, I know what alone is. I just fear that the people that I enjoy spending time with will soon get irritated with my closeness. I know that when I spend too much time with certain people they get under my skin, I get sick of hearing what they have to say and I just have to break free. I don't want to be that - I don't want to naively be the "irritating one - Moana"... I got so crushed when I found that one out. But that's just it, I'm currently afraid that my near and dear aren't being as honest to my face as I wish they would be. I want them to tell me when its okay and when its not to be around. I'm nervous that I'm being fooled, thinking that I'm surrounded by people who love me but in reality they have large beefs with me.

Like at my "birthday" celebration with my mom's side the other night. My Aunt has continued to ignore me. She interacted with me just enough so that the rest of the family didn't notice. I just really wish she'd drop the fuckin' wall that she has put between us and we just figure out why this is going on. Do I need to apologize again? I don't know she won't tell me. I don't even fully understand why she is so pissed at me.

Like with Drew and my house. He says he wants to be around me, but I sometimes feel that if it weren't for me putting in the effort all the time, he'd never see me. I know I should just embrace the distance we have just inherited but being in my house alone right now makes me infuriated. I can't stand it... and its not targeted at any single person that I live with. They are like second family to me and I enjoy their company... I just can't be free to do what I want - I feel like I'm being stunted and compromised from reaching my full potential. I NEED to reach the next plateau... I can feel it nearing... I want to run for it... I need to be there... This large obstacle in front of me is very frustrating. How do I tell them I want out. I tried that already and have been convinced it will get better, even though I know deep down in my heart I still want out. I told them that I need to start exploring my art professionally and I truly believe I cannot do that in the house. I love that house too, which makes it all that much harder to pack up and leave.

Guh... my thoughts today aren't very focused. This is very poorly put together. Give me an hour or two and I'll come back with new thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for the rant,

SLaw

Observations behind the front desk:

I just saw the nicest man to come through our office walk right into the door. I always get confused too (whether to push or pull), but he cracked his head on the glass - I felt bad for him... especially after he took the time to explain everything that he was doing to the office space (you learn something new every day - I learned about wind chill factor today...) and the air ducts to fix our air flow problem.

*sigh*

He even made a point to remember my name.

Too bad its my last day for a while.

TGIF?

I'm back to work today. I have been off since Tuesday. I hope I have gotten through the worst of this cough and cold. It just sounds awful when I answer the phone then have to excuse myself to cough my face off. Soooo unprofessional. My sinuses hurt, they give me a headache with all the pressure, and sometimes I cough so hard I vomit - now that's attactive!

Anyway, so my assumptions for applying to the FOH job too late were in fact false, I got an email a few days later asking me to come in for an interview. I accepted and skipped my yoga session to go to it. The questions they asked me felt like I was unable to tell them about my full potential, they were kind of cheesy and really vague. It was hard to tell if they were unimpressed or not because I was the first person they met, I lightly joked with them that I wouldnt' be "hard on them" - haha. Well at least I know I set the bar, and most times when I have held interviews, the first person I see I consider to be the average... meaning I will hire almost anyone with qualifications and exerience greater than that of the first person I interviewed and the people with less to offer will usually not be considered. So, here's hoping, with fingers crossed, that I get this job and that I stay there for a while so I can settle into some stable income and can start saving up for a new place to live.

I'm so unimpressed with the ShitHaus right now. Its not really a feeling targeted at the people who live there, its just a feeling that lurks in the hallways and in the floorboards. It makes me feel uncomfortable like the way nails on a chalk board can make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. I feel so alone and frustrated and angry every time I step foot in the door. I feel let down and used and taken advantage of. I feel like everything is unfair and unfamiliar. It probably isn't but that is due to the lack of communication. I have tried everything from phone calls and text messages, to notes on a new message board, to facebook and emails, to tracking them down in person to get to have a roommate meeting - but no avail. It took the newest roommie ("Shan") to say, "hey guys, we need to sit down and figure this out...." I'm so frustrated that she barely had to lift a finger to get the rest to commit...

Drew stayed there with me last night. I broke down in my room. I have never hated being in that house, I love that house, but I feel it is so far away from being a part of me now that I can't bare to be there anymore. My potential new roommate (if I ever can get outta here) "Gordo" and I will be getting together tonight to 1) get drunk and do crazy sexy things and 2)hopefully find somewhere awesome to live together soon and 3)put a time stamp on plan B.

In fact, I'm going to search housing and rental places on line now. B and Armour suggested finding a realtor, but I'm not sure that involves costs or anything. I'll have to do some more research but it sounds like a good route to go so that we can find the perfect place to live and not run into any disappointments.

The Bead Show is coming back in town... I want to go to find some resin, or like a starter kit since I don't have a credit card to order this stuff on line myself. Perhaps I'll should look into that as well, getting a credit card... start building up some credit, start becoming more responsible like I harp about being... time to prove it.

~SLaw

The start... I better get used to it.

I'm sitting in my pseudo-neighbour's place ("Dr. Nick"), the big move was today. I didn't want to watch the place fall apart so I took the fact that I'm still incredibly sick as a good omen. I don't want to sit there and feel bad about it, I don't want to watch it slip away from me, I don't want to be standing in there and making a note of it being the "last" time... I'll just avoid it and hope that my memory serves me well, I'd rather remember it that way instead of dead inside.

Last night we demolished the place, we divided the art work and packed the last of the belongings and put them into piles to be moved the next day. Our landlord, who I'm beginning to believe more and more that she is a slumlord... She came by to try to get in one last hard blow to the guys, "you have to be out by midnight or I'll have to charge you for being here. I'm changing the locks". But as per usual, her word means nothing, empty threats. I can't wait until my time comes to leave her behind.

I really wish that I didn't have to work this week so that I could enjoy visiting the gang in their new pads. Maybe I should let them unpack and settle before I do that. I took today off from work, I feel like crap, Lolo advised me it might be this sinus infection that has been going around, she had it. Meh, no matter, I'll try to get some antibiotics and hope that I can make it through the rest of the week. School will start and hopefully I'll swing into a routine.

I applied for an FOH job yesterday. I hope I didn't miss the deadline to apply, I hope I get an interview. I was hoping to get a job on campus... but I think its time to grow away from its clutch. I mean, sure I'll welcome any opportunities that come my way, but I have to start nurturing some sort of future for myself.

I'm going to go pick up some groceries with Keyel so that I can make some dinner for Drew and I before we head uptown for the gallery reception we have promised to go to. Sleeping alone tonight is going to be strange.... I better get used to it.

Cheers,

SLaw x0x

Its all changing...

...but that's okay.

I'm normally one to embrace change, heck, usually I enforce it. So why do I feel like everything is caving in around me? I feel like I'm lost and things are happening too fast... Perhaps its because I want change in my life too and currently things are still the same. Perhaps I'm jealous, perhaps I want to turn the page and start anew too, perhaps I just need to take a closer look. The thought of trying to see the upside of all of this is exhausting... but that's okay.

Lolo came back today. We tried to get the same lunch time but were sternly told no. There were too many people away in the office. I looked up the job posting the Executive Officer told me about, it was in fact a work/study position. And I also looked up eligibility... you have to demonstrate financial need by submitting an OSAP application and to be full time, meaning at least nine credits each term... I'm only enrolled in 9 total. And you have to be a full time student to be eligible for OSAP - guh!! The thought of giving up my position to someone new, someone who has no idea about the system and someone who has no idea how to schedule over 100 students at once, it made my blood curdle. I worked too hard at fine tuning that position to have it all fall apart. I was encouraged to apply to YUTA for a temp job. Getting a job on campus used to be so easy for me... but that's okay.

Today I ran some errands for the office, I dropped off some important packages to some long serving faculty. The majority of my deliveries so happened to be in Complex 1, so I decided to make some visits along the way. The Abby's office was open and I made a point to create some small talk with the manager ("Ped"). Things will never be the same between us... but that's okay.

I went to the Master's Office prepared to face "what are you doing here?" glances but I was surprisingly met with hugs and smiles from friends... that's a first in a LONG time. I decided to take a tour to the SCR to wish the Frosh Bosses that I left behind a good luck and to have fun. As soon as the guy who took over for me ("Kev-vingt") escorted me through the hallways to the SCR I began to feel that it was a bad idea. I left for a reason... I left to get space... I left to feel better about myself... I left to heal the loss and frustration... why was I going back?? Am I that dumb that I just don't know when enough is enough? But I walked in behind him who handed papers to my old partner ("Dunn"), she was sitting on the table that used to be my old perch. A room full of students much younger than me all clad in red t-shirts turned to look at me. A wave of nauseau and nervousness washed over me... What was I doing there?? This was a mistake. But instead, people whisphered my name and gave me little waves and our "spirit hands" clap from some of the Frosh Boss veterans in the back... relief washed over me in an instant. Dunn turned around to see who interrupted her meeting and her face soon had a smile. I said, "I just came by to wish you all the best of luck this year" and she ran over to give me a hug, the room burst out into a loud applause. They invited me in to share in the training session that was underway, but I politely declined. "I'm a workin' lady now, but I promise to stop by later". Everyone waved good bye.

Its good to know that some things will never change.

It'll just take time --- but how much?

I have this predicament.

 Last year when I took the school year off to regain my footing I participated in a great fundraising event - well, I did more than just participate, I held a leading role. We were raising funds and awareness for the Canadian Cancer Society and donated cut ponytails to be made into wigs. I donated over 10 inches of my hair. I really wanted my family who has been affected by cancer to cut my hair but apparently I'm completely thoughtless. I guess I assumed they would share my ambition and desire to have everyone included, my assumption was wrong. Anyway, the short of the long of it is, my Aunt has decided to shun me. We still aren't talking. And just because my appearance is my head held high, no one thinks it bothers me. That is completely untrue. It bothers me a lot. I miss the connection I had with my Aunt. I have already apologized because I didn't realize how big of a deal it was to have her be the only one cutting my hair (yep, that's right, I'll just tell my other grandmother to step aside)... but I'm not going to chase this. Call it pride, but maybe she should lower her defenses too... Maybe she should have acknowledged how remorse I was... Maybe she should have considered my feelings for once... Maybe - but she won't. I'm not going to chase this because she is an adult, she's been an adult longer than I have and she should know that this kind of behavior is just ridiculous. And if it tears me away from the rest of the family, then FINE - maybe then everyone else will realize and stop pretending like nothing is going on.

But anyway, my predicament is - my mother called me the other night to tell me the family was going out to Wasabi (a sushi place in Markham) for my Aunt's birthday. I cringed and said I already had plans with Drew to go to the Island for a fraternity event and to help him move even though I'm not sure what I'm doing this weekend at all. I didn't want to say I won't go because I know it hurts my mom and that's the last thing I want to do. I keep bringing it up in emails (does she want me around, why is she acting that way towards me, why doesn't she want to talk to me??) but she avoids answering my questions. I'm going to call her out on it soon - I want to know what she thinks about this whole situation - more than "Oh, you know, that's how she is..." That's unacceptable for me. I get called out all the time for my tone of voice - yet she is allowed to treat me like crap!? Anyway, but for now, I know my mom doesn't want to talk about it, she's pitted in the middle. She has to choose sides between her sister and her daughter. But I have the decency to leave it be. I'll be the one to keep the distance, to step aside. Whatever, they dont' even miss me anyway. For instance, no one called me to wish me happy birthday- but I'm expected to call everyone on their birthdays to wish them (a horrible double standard if you ask me). My cousin left me a facebook message claiming they tried to call me, but I think that is a lie... I have no record of them trying to call me nor was my voice mail full like the post said. I guess it could be worse....

And I guess these things take time to blow over. As you can see, I'm still hot with rage. But I just think its kind of unfair how they can go on living like a happy family until while I'm cast off to the side. And I'm not one to come in all fists and start a verbal fight or anything.

So I have to decide - do I tell my mom I'm joining them for dinner (making my mother and my grandmother happy) or do I stick to my guns and continue to let time and space heal the wounds?

The mail just arrived - and I have a splitting headache... is it lunch time yet? Thank goodness its Friday.

SLaw - Blaw....

*cough cough*

Dammnit! to who ever passed this bug along to me... damn you because I had to miss yoga this morning, damn you because my throat is raw, damn you because I can't breathe properly, damn you because people just can't understand me on the phone at work.... damn you...

I feel my creative senses tingling....

This last half hour will be the longest... not that I'm wasting my office's time by browsing the web but there seriously isn't much to do while stuck at the front desk. So instead I take my time with the small tasks that I have been given and make sure that I do them well. I feel bad for asking some many questions because I have been with this office for so long, but the only time I have sat at the front desk is when I'm covering for the lunch hour. ANYWAY - so I wanted to get myself a button maker for my birthday - I thought it would be awesome to be able to expand my beading in that direction. I did some research and went to the only place in Toronto (in Kensington) to look at the machines they had. They are pretty expensive, and I knew that, but I was hoping that the button makers would allow you to change sizes... unfortunately not if I don't want to purchase a $5000 electric machine.... and I don't. So I thought I'd let that idea settle before marching out and getting one anyway (even though giving away buttons at the party would have been totally rad). And its a good thing to because I researched something else I have always wanted to do with my beading and its waaaay more versatile (meaning I could make buttons with this medium too). RESIN! I read a great tutorial (skinnerstudio.blogspot.com) and it really got my gears going. I think I'm going to start experimenting so that I can start making my own beads and pendants. For a while I felt as if my jewelry was just so faceless... like everything else out there, there was nothing to separate me from the crappy jewelry you could find in the cheap chain stores - hence why I've been on a bit of a hiatus. I'm no longer motivated to sit at my desk and create away. I used to enjoy the challenge of creating custom made pieces but after some disappointing turnouts with customers I think I'm going to stray away unless they are willing to pay steep prices. So I think this is the turning of a new leaf for me - just collections. No more beading parties, no single piece orders, no more Swarovski on a cord... just me and MY creations.

I must be driving the ladies near me crazy - I keep coughing and clearing my throat despite the amount of water I have been drinking, how many candies and lozenges I eat. It been a long time since I've been in a building that pumps out air conditioning and it probably doesn't help that I've been hanging out with all the smokers - Drew seems to be taking it on full time now, even though he rarely buys his own pack. I just have to be very conscious and leave the room each time someone sparks up...

Well, signing off for today... Yoga tomorrow - really excited to stretch out my stiffness.

See you then,
SLaw

The abuse we love

I got a key for the office - how exciting!! That means I don't have to worry about getting stuck outside and then looking like I'm late... which I normally am, but I'm working on it! Also, its very apparent that I SUCK at doing front desk duties. I miss my desk in the back. I got to hear a lot of gossip, I could have snacks whenever I wanted to, I didn't have to wait for people to come back from lunch to go for a pee, I could have tea right now if I saw fit... Instead I'm stuck wondering who I'm supposed to transfer which phone calls to because I'm so out of the loop on all the changes, and what keys belong to which rooms I'm supposed to open for meetings, and how do I log into the email accounts and room bookings, and how do I sound professional enough to angry students... I feel like I'm on a learning curve all over again!! Most times the people who call know more about what I'm supposed to do than I do - ACK. This is awful... but I love it here. I really hope that everything works out for the school year, meaning despite my lack of credits from becoming a full time student I'll still be able to hold employment. I couldn't fathom having to be a bottom feeder again... after all my hard work and networking to get me this far as a student employee it would seem a shame.... Most other students I work with either their parents are full time staff on campus or close relatives who are professors have put in a good word. I just put my all into my opportunities... maybe this is a sign to move on and try something new.

*sigh*

Anyway, I did hear some hot gossip yesterday. One of my mentors from student leadership ("F-capp") has apparently QUIT! It just got too much... Something inside of me knew that it would eventually happen. There is so much bureaucracy on this campus that it delays EVERYONE and all their hard efforts. Its just plain annoying and frustrating, it eats y0ur soul, it consumes every part of your being without you even realizing that you have been compromised. I did realize... almost too late, getting kicked out of my honours program at University really grounded me - I wasn't as invincible as I thought. However, even after my presidential resignation I just dove back in, hoping that I'd still be able to make an impressionable mark, that I could enforce the positive change we all have been waiting for. It just got too much... There are too few resources and too few people who actually give a damn. But what else can you expect from a bloated community that pits one another against each other. At the party, numerous college peeps that I have come to hold near and dear to me asked me if the rumors were true. The rumors were in fact true - that I resigned from O-Chair - and to see the disappointment in their eyes made it hard to talk about, but I've tried to be as honest about it as possible. I was sick and tired of being knocked down and made to feel pathetic. I was sick and tired of being criticized for my methods in office. I was sick and tired of being questioned about my relationships with my peers. I was sick and tired of being forced to fit the shape of the "cookie-cutter" role model. I loved what I did, but not when it changed me into a monster - someone so far from the real me - it just became apparent to me that it was not worth it.... not worth the heartache and disappointment. I have always been willing to bend over backward for my college, but when has it demonstrated that it would reciprocate that feeling? And not to say that I got involved for the recognition or the benefits - there is a distinct difference between being shown gratitude and being taken advantage of. I full heartedly feel that I was taken advantage of. I was used as a tool to push someone else's motives.... but enough of this usual rant (my close friends have heard this speech all too much).

The phones are beginning to ring like mad - and I have no idea how to use all of these extensions...

Until I have another free moment ~ SLaw