serenity gone...

and the facade goes up again...

I have to leave or I might actually show how irritated I am. I don't need new friends, I like the ones I have. I miss my boyfriend. We should have thought things through - we both want something that we can't have. I don't know how much more I can endure of this... this waiting... waiting for happiness. I don't want to settle for mediocre any more. I want to throw it all off of the balcony, get some satisfaction. Get to feel something other than smothered.

Thank God for my great escape... my sacred savior is pulling through for me.

I have this incredible urge to break out into tears, but I'll save myself some dignity. I'll wait for the bathroom to be free and go cry in the shower... I'm so pathetic. When did I settle for this? This is not what I signed up for. I want my things my way NOW... but then I would be considered a selfish bitch... and I would have burned even more bridges.

So what is this all about? Are you supposed to go through life making sure those around you are happy because it makes you happy. What happens when all of the ones that surround you are happy, but you are miserable? Did I miss the lesson? I'm wandering aimlessly. I don't know what to do... I've been saying that for far too long. Where am I?

Not here.

And the roller coaster hurdles down hill again: Jill of all trades, master at nothing.

I've resorted to crying again. It seems and feels like the only thing I can do. I NEED to get rid of this hurt, this pain, this feeling of hopelessness. There are so many layers upon layers its hard to see what I'm even upset about these days. And it may be something very small and insignificant... but because there is so much adding up, the baggage I carry weighs down on the rest, each situation's emotional attachment feeding on the other making it grow into an uncontrollable blob. I've been keeping my chin up for a while... things started to look up and I was happy again. I was beginning to feel like myself.

Then yesterday happened.

Am I just naive?

No matter where I go, what I do, I feel taken advantage of. Today I lashed out. I'm mad and I'm upset. I don't feel appreciated and I feel hurt that people think that they can just treat me like this. Is this what society is like, even my friends? Is everyone an asshole? Or am I just delusional... am I the only idiot that believes in helping others out, in lending my time, in sharing my resources.

I never used to care about money or materialistic things... but as every day goes by, I want to horde it all to myself. I want to make sure I get my fair share. I want to make sure I get my cut. It goes against almost everything I stand for... as I sit here, just thinking about it, I'm just more and more upset.

I'm going to be late for class, I should go...

Just checkin' in, so you know I'm alive... I'm not dead - yet.

Its been a while... not that NOTHING has been happening... just didn't figure the same complaints were interesting enough to post. October is almost at an end... I failed my goals for this month. I have been completely distracted. I did not find a storage place, I did not pack anything, I did not stretch once in the morning, I barely ate breakfast twice a week... terrible. I'm trying to let myself know I'm disappointed that I didn't even try to resurrect the second half of the month... but it doesn't really phase me at all... I'm more disappointed about that than not completing the goals. I have however been getting other things accomplished. Like homework for one. I'm really on the ball this time around. Maybe a little last minute getting things printed off, but completed none the less. I also still have not missed a class (*yay*small applause*).

Speaking of class, my prof canceled our last Tuesday class and were told to meet at the Grange in the AGO on Wednesday night for a guided tour. It was AMAZING... I want to share my experience, but its really a "had to be there" kind of thing. But if you do go see it - be sure to contact me so we can gush over how fantastic it was... I have no one to talk about it with, and if I did share it here - well, I'd be an asshole and it would be ruined for all.

I have made a to do list for today... I got about half way through and now I'm not motivated to do anything more than just lie in bed ('cause Drew and I HAVE ONE AT THE APARTMENT NOW!!) and enjoy the sunshine and the crisp blue sky.

I want to bead more, but I'm hoping that will be my prize today if I get all my "chores" done. I finished my order for Woods & Woods - its sooo nice to have income again. But I'm not sure how steady its going to be... my never-ending search for employment continues. I wish I wasn't so picky about where I work - or I'd dive into anything at this point. At least I have first and last for when I move. Which looks more like a December 1st rather than next weekend.... its a little disappointing but totally realistic and I've accepted it. That just means November is going to be focused on packing. BLAH... I hate moving - even though I want to more than anything in the world right now. Living in such close quarters with Drew has its finer moments, but we're beginning to cramp each other's need for space. Which is another reason I don't want to leave the apartment today. I have space to myself... I could run around naked if I wanted to. *sigh* and it will be short lived too because Keyel will be home soon.

Anyway, I have to go to the bank so that I can do the rest of the laundry.... perhaps get some food for the apartment too. I'm worried I don't earn my keep here.

Well, I'm behind on my plan for today if I want to feel accomplished and see Armourtime's play tonight... I think doors open at 8pm and starts at half-past, and I know that's a good 5 hours away... but knowing me and my pace... I'll just be annoyed that I'm rushed and end up being late. As per usual.

Things don't always go as you plan...

...and this time it wasn't so bad.

I decided to quit convo... a last minute decision.

I got "Swing" as my position for crying out loud. That's $12/hr. And not that I'm complaining about the pay or the fact that they gave me a job, no I'm very thankful for that. But comon'... demote me?? After all I have done??? I don't think so... not worth my time and effort anymore - OBVIOUSLY. I gave my all to that department. I worked my ass off to give them a close to perfect team. Years ago they were so disorganized... and this is how they show their appreciation. Throw me a job just to keep me quiet... how rude. But I'm not trying to take it personally.

Hence why saying I was not going to come in for my shifts was so easy. School first. I had a project to do... and I have just handed it in. I'm very proud of it. (Oh... and I got to go to Shout because of that decision... :D )

Check this shit out:

http://sites.google.com/site/memoryscapervl/

I'm not completely useless...

Productivity has been my goal for this week. I'm not sure how well I'm doing on that venture but at least I'm not lazing around. Its reading week. This is the first time the University has implemented a reading week in the fall term. So I have been able to get a head start on my project for my Tuesday class... I still have a lot of work to do, but I really can't to do too much until I get my responses from the questionnaire I sent out at the beginning of the week. I went to the AGO on Wednesday to look for a painting or sculpture that I could do my museum/gallery report on. I rrrrreally want to go back, I was literally there for only 20 minutes. I was in a rush to get back to have dinner with Drew, and in the process had my keys and metropass stolen/lost. I'm so frustrated - its not even half way through the month. I spent every last dime I had on jewelry supplies for my upcoming order for Drew's parents' store. I have no way to transport myself across the city... I can't shell out any more money on transit passes because I have to save up for first and last for Gord's and my new place (and we haven't found a decent place yet....). What a fuckin' bummer. No keys either... I'll figure it out. Right now I'm trying to forget about it and move on. Saying my keys got stolen is a much easier pill to swallow than just being plain irresponsible and losing them (Frak - they were right in my pocket at St. Patrick Station and NOT when I got to Bloor.... guh).

ANYWAY - I've been shooting my jewelry today and uploading them to a blog and website I made specifically for "S Jewelry". I am ultra stoked to bring this site to fruition. Here's the link:

Website: http://sites.google.com/site/essjewelry/

Blog: http://sjewelry.blogspot.com/

And here are some photos from my first shoot of the day... speaking of which - I should get back before I loose my sunlight for the day.



Cheers,
SLaw

awaiting your response....

...I sent Drew a message complaining about how unhappy I am that I cannot go to Shout this coming weekend. Being responsible is just so much harder... harder than being as carefree as I want. But that isn't going to make me enough money to find a new place to live.

Keyel is smoking in the apartment, I can smell it... Drew's rearranged room is messy, and tidying it and doing his laundry just isn't very appealing right now. I cannot express how forward I'm looking to living in my own space. I haven't been back to my house for almost two weeks now... since the Vanilla Fortress party. I have to go back now because of work... so that I'm close enough to be at the Rexall Centre for 7:30am... I just can't believe the only two days of work that I'm getting this month are on the shows. AND I've been demoted. I shouldn't take it personally because its not a personal thing - they aren't demoting me because they feel I deserve it - its all about budget, budget, budget. I just wish the office would take their students into consideration a little more. Considering I lost so much sleep and so much of my sanity while working for them in the summer.

But on the upside. I had a conversation with my best friend the other day. She has been in this rut where she doesn't think very highly of herself, that she's worthless and can't do anything (sounds like someone else I know). And its funny, looking out, I could tell her to do all these things that will make her feel better and I actually got her motivated again. Why is looking in so much harder? Being down on yourself is so much easier than constantly working up to be happy. But I think it was good for both of us. She's motivated again and so am I.

So the October goals are sucking right now, hahahha. I have not stretched every morning - and I definitely have not eaten breakfast every morning... I was thinking of revising the list, but then again, I don't want to dumb it down so that its easier. That's not the point. Its about showing myself what I am capable of and what I need to work on (in terms of time management and commitment). It really gets me thinking about what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I actually am.

Drew and I have been on and off... our alone time has been consumed by arguing. One night he spent 6 hours (2am to 8am) on transit after ditching me to go party with the people that we were out for dinner with. I was wrecked that night with thoughts that something terrible had happened or that he was just protesting against me. I lashed into him when he finally got home... We seem to have it worked out for now. Things have just happened too fast for us, and I know our situation is kind of different because I'm "forced" to live at his place until I get my footing again, but we're both too stubborn for our own good. At least I don't go to bed crying anymore.

Well, I'm distracted...

~SLaw

When did it all start going down hill?

I used to be very confident. My self-esteem was at an ultimate high. I loved everything I was doing, I loved where I lived, I love the people I lived with, I loved my friends and the people around me. Why do I think it has all turned to shit? Everything is the same, nothing has moved... why the change of heart?

I need to stop kidding myself... I still have all those things. Its definitely easier said than done. I read a blog entry of mine from about a month ago (SHOCKING I KNOW... I read something I wrote) and I was so much happier than I am now.

I've made a promise to myself (Yeah... I did that yesterday too, but we all know how that went - I BROKE IT). I promise that I will go to my house tonight, I promise to pay my rent and bills, I promise to pack a bag for warm clothing and get some appropriate shoes, I promise to go to the Vanilla Fortress house warming party, and I promise I will have lot of fun. I'm gonna look good, I'm gonna to feel good, and I'm gonna hug all of my friends.

I'm also going to photography my earrings and share them with you. Tell me what you think.

I found something that made me laugh while sitting here by myself in Drew's apartment. This guy cracks me up and makes me realize that what I'm worrying about and why I feel so down is just so insignificant. I have a lingering smile as I write this. I literally watched as many as I could before realizing that I have some other things to attend to - LIKE GETTING MY LIFE BACK TOGETHER...

Here are some of my favourites:





Enjoy: LiveLavaLive

Cheers,
SLaw the BLaw

October Goals

I'm in a much better mood than before. I talked to E and Drew online while I tried to navigate through what my new goals for this month should be.

I pulled my party wristband off today... it was beginning to slip after I got out of the shower. I know I could have managed to save it, but I didn't want to risk losing it somewhere (since I have such a bad habit of losing EVERYTHING). I was kind of sad doing it... so much so that I put it back on and pressed down on the adhesive to ensure that it was secure... but as I did it, standing there fresh from a shower, it didn't feel right. I am clearly holding onto things... perhaps just for nostalgia's sake. I hurts to think of how things were, so happy. And to think of things now, I'm miserable. Its a terrible cycle, a nasty revolution. So I pulled it off and put it out of sight in a drawer in Drew's room.

I keep saying I want to upload my notes here... I haven't gotten around to it. My brain likes to take over and make me do other things, like MOPE and stare out of windows. But my classes, haha, they are so relative to what I'm thinking about day-in and day-out. I have a project that involves exploring a personal space - documenting it in an inter-medial way. I'm very excited for it. I just hope I can pull it off in less than 20 days - 'cause that's when its DUE!!

Anyway:

OCTOBER GOALS - in no particular order:
-finish (or start rather) Dr. Nick's paintings
-buy epoxy resin and molds
-put $100 in new savings account (doesn't have to be all at once)
-find an affordable and accessible storage unit
-make 10 more sets of earrings and 1 full set (necklace, earrings, bracelet)
-eat breakfast every morning
-bring packed boxes/furniture to the storage unit every weekend
-start every morning with stretches
-create a catalog of images for new art piece
-make a blog to display jewelry available for sale

FIngers crossed I make it this time. I was four earring pairs, two watercolour paintings, and two movies away from completing all ten goals.

~SLaw

Keep your shit together, girl!!

I don't know where to begin. I feel bi-polar. One minute I'm enthusiastic about my life, that I'm enforcing positive change and becoming a responsible, independent individual. Then the next, I'm curled up in a ball crying my face off, desperate to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and counting all the awful things that are happening to me on my fingers. There is no happy medium - I can't find a middle ground. I feel like I can stand only at either end of the equilibrium. Its driving me insane... and I'm sure its the same for the people around me.

Up
and
down
and
up
and
down
and
up
and down.....

I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time and its beginning to swirl into a complicated mess in my head. Its exhausting... I'm soon going to spiral out of control. I've got to keep my shit together!

I feel pathetic. I have fabricated a situation in my head that probably seems wosre than it actually is. I have trapped myself - I have avoided dealing with my problems head on. How did I think that running away from a situation would magically fix my woes? I have been wearing the same 6 articles of clothing for over a week now, which does not include a jacket and I had to ask Keyel to borrow a sweater for class today. I only have flip flops and high heels to keep my feet warm, I've borrowed a pair of socks from Drew but my feet keep slipping in my heels. My cell phone is broken leaving me disconnected from the world that is constantly begging my attention. I can't do my homework because I've left my books in my room that I refuse to visit without an entourage. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I creating a bigger mess than is necessary. I know I'm the only one with answers - and I'm avoiding them.

I'm too hard on myself... or maybe I'm not hard enough. I need to push myself to do what is right. Its looking me in the face but I don't have the balls to stare it right in the eyes. That's so pathetic.

I miss this person:
<3SLaw