awaiting your response....

...I sent Drew a message complaining about how unhappy I am that I cannot go to Shout this coming weekend. Being responsible is just so much harder... harder than being as carefree as I want. But that isn't going to make me enough money to find a new place to live.

Keyel is smoking in the apartment, I can smell it... Drew's rearranged room is messy, and tidying it and doing his laundry just isn't very appealing right now. I cannot express how forward I'm looking to living in my own space. I haven't been back to my house for almost two weeks now... since the Vanilla Fortress party. I have to go back now because of work... so that I'm close enough to be at the Rexall Centre for 7:30am... I just can't believe the only two days of work that I'm getting this month are on the shows. AND I've been demoted. I shouldn't take it personally because its not a personal thing - they aren't demoting me because they feel I deserve it - its all about budget, budget, budget. I just wish the office would take their students into consideration a little more. Considering I lost so much sleep and so much of my sanity while working for them in the summer.

But on the upside. I had a conversation with my best friend the other day. She has been in this rut where she doesn't think very highly of herself, that she's worthless and can't do anything (sounds like someone else I know). And its funny, looking out, I could tell her to do all these things that will make her feel better and I actually got her motivated again. Why is looking in so much harder? Being down on yourself is so much easier than constantly working up to be happy. But I think it was good for both of us. She's motivated again and so am I.

So the October goals are sucking right now, hahahha. I have not stretched every morning - and I definitely have not eaten breakfast every morning... I was thinking of revising the list, but then again, I don't want to dumb it down so that its easier. That's not the point. Its about showing myself what I am capable of and what I need to work on (in terms of time management and commitment). It really gets me thinking about what kind of person I want to be and what kind of person I actually am.

Drew and I have been on and off... our alone time has been consumed by arguing. One night he spent 6 hours (2am to 8am) on transit after ditching me to go party with the people that we were out for dinner with. I was wrecked that night with thoughts that something terrible had happened or that he was just protesting against me. I lashed into him when he finally got home... We seem to have it worked out for now. Things have just happened too fast for us, and I know our situation is kind of different because I'm "forced" to live at his place until I get my footing again, but we're both too stubborn for our own good. At least I don't go to bed crying anymore.

Well, I'm distracted...

~SLaw