Agreement

We've come to an agreement.

It was a long tiresome night and morning. I held my ground and told him how hurt I was. Not just from him ditching me but in general. I waited for what I needed most - an apology. It took over two hours to get it out of him, but I got it. I lay down next to him and told him we have to find a new way of being together. He agreed. We decided that after the move we are going to break it off. And then start from scratch. I made a promise to not go over to his apartment for two months (considering I have slept in his bed for over two months) and if he wants to see and be with me, he has to make the effort and come over to my place (like, common, its so easy to get to). We still have to talk about how we are going to deal with pre-determined outings we RSVP'd to. For instance, his company's Christmas Party and my house's Holiday party (on the same night evidently).

This will be good - I hope. A fresh start, a new beginning. I told him we have to be friends first before we start being a couple again. He didn't like that but said it would be better off that way. We need our space and its hard to face that because we are so desperate for each other, so in love with each other.

But after the move I'm going to start limiting communication, for both of our sakes. It isn't going to be easy, but I just can't break up with him. Not like this. We have to at least legitimately try to get it worked out.

Its already really late in the day. I have a SHIT-TON more packing to do... I should get on my way.

Deeeeeeeeeeeep breath. You can do this.

Breaking Point

There just comes a time in the cycles of life where you just need to melt into a puddle on the floor. To feel completely and utterly hopeless.

Recycle vs Upcycle

So with my days of doing "nothing", I spend a lot of time on the internet. Especially because I'm apartment hunting, updating my website for my jewelry, sending resumes and cover letters like crazy... I feel like I'm doing nothing because I'm so stationary in front of Drew's Mac. Anyway, I spend a lot of time surfing the internet as I do my online chores and errands. I've been noticing the term "upcycle" popping up more and more. It intrigued me and I did some research. I was confused as to what this term could mean - aside from the similar sounding word "recycled". But I'm not sure if I'm more confused or did I just open a can of worms on the debate in my own head. Is this just the new, trendy version of "reuse"... I'm not sure, but I did like this quote from a sustainability awareness site:

"It is helpful to remember that one of the keys to upcycling is the awareness it sheds on us all. I would not try to take away from someone the joy of calling their work upcycled, if they think it is it probably is. Rather we should take a step back and realize all of these efforts are helping us move towards an awareness of the waste in our own lives, in all forms."

Site: http://www.sustainabilitydictionary.com/u/upcycle.php

As I sit here and think deeply into my own existence - desperately trying to figure out what my purpose is, who I am in the mix of everything - I feel like I have the opportunity to recreate myself a bit. This crisis that I feel like I'm undergoing is potentially a really good thing. I really haven't thought about it this way. Instead I have been stuck on doubting myself, thinking I am a complete screw up, thinking that my life is almost over and I have done nothing with it. I'm going to hold onto this positive feeling for as long as I can. I think I'm going to need it in the upcoming weeks as I get scrutinized by potential landlords and employers. I feel like I have been presented with a clean slate. I'm at a stage in life where I'm making my own choices instead of them being dictated by authorities such as parents, or teachers or what have you... I feel like I was mislead for a while. Its scary too because then I have to face consequences of bad choices on my own... but I'm not dumb, I think I'll be fine.

Anyway, what I was getting at with the upcycling and such is I feel like I have an opportunity to set things straight. I have the opportunity to put myself on a track that I feel comfortable following. I think it started with the goals. I was striving towards things that I knew I would benefit from and completing them made me happy. I can start doing things that coincide with my core beliefs, not ones that I felt I was dictated to follow because of an authority figure. I can do things that I feel is contributing to the greater good for me and those around me and those in my surrounding community. I am the authority figure in my life now.

The sun is shining, I feel as strong as the rays coming in the window right now. I can only home I can hold onto this feeling long enough to make some progress that will allow me to have something to show for. Like a job, or a place to live....

Anyway, check out my site so far. I need feedback, staring at it with my own two eyes for as long as I have - I feel like I've hit a road block... I will be loading more pictures to it today.

ENJOY some beads!

SLaw

Monday, Monday..... just like any other Monday...

I've started to play around with the layout and the HTML of this blog... so, if looks crapped up and you can't read it, that's why. I figure I'd better start practicing here before taking on the challenge of newhomefreeland.com. I also had a bit of a look-see with the website that I made for the memoryscape project. Speaking of which - I have to do another one.... but of a Toronto Monument. One that will pull us away the personal nature we encountered in the first project. If you have any suggestions, please let me know... I'm thinking of doing the sculptures at University and Queen. I've never had a really good look at them, either I'm whizzing by on a street car or running across the intersection before the light changes. I couldn't even tell you what the statues are about. I'm sure there will be some literature about them as well. I mean, even during Frosh Week when we're all standing in the fountain.... the most I remember was Heather convincing some homeless guy to put his dick away.

Today is Monday... I just realized I don't have class tomorrow. This is a week of doing nothing. I should really start packing. I got an "apology" message on facebook (I guess you could call it that... although there was really no apology - just another excuse or explanation for what has transpired... maybe I'm being too critical... maybe I'm just good at running and hiding), so I have to see how I'm going to approach it. The ball is in my court now. Gord and I found some awesome potential places.... I guess we'll have to find some time to look at these places and make a decision.

I started designing my own necklaces now... with no input other than my own inspiration. I also finished an order for Woods & Woods again. I guess I should update that blog and website too. Lots to do online!! I also should get on a set of November goals.... already a third of the way through. On top of that I'll have to send out my annual email to friends and family to see if I can snag a couple of more orders, get me through the month. I have to also try to get my hands on resin.

My insecurity is waivering. I feel like I'm riding ocean swells.... one minute I'm so sure about myself and the next I feel like I'm a delusional degenerate. The weather is nice, so I have that to help me keep my spirits hight.

Drew went to the Urgent Care clinic at the hospital near my house to have his shoulder looked at. He has been keeping the both of us tossing and turning all night long. I can't tell you how long its been since I've had a good night's sleep. It shows in my face too... I just look tired all the time.... and I barely leave the apartment. A shower would do me good too I'm sure. My chronic back pain is back, last night was bad - then it suddenly disappeared - but that could have been the wine.

We went to go see Junior Boys. I would like to say that it was good. I know I had a good time, I know the music was great... but I was too drunk. Too drunk to appreciate the musical talents that I paid to see... how disappointing. But that is what I get for thinking I could drink 5 beers in an hour or so.... just drowning my sorrows... letting everything blurrrrrrrrrrr......

Anyway, listening to Neon Indian has also proved to keep me from curling up into a ball and sleeping the beautiful day away. I forced myself to go outside and get a newspaper. I did the crossword in the breezy sunshine.... I gave my Metropass to Nick so that he could get back and forth from school today or else I'd go for a walk downtown.

The dishes have piled high from feasting yesterday. I guess I should contribute. After all, I complained how I was feeling taken advantage of and decided to sit on my ass for a week... now I just feel bad.

OH GET OVER IT SLAW....

okay, I'm going to go get over it.

My Weekend is almost more than 4 days long...

... and it starts today.... depressing or a god-send?... I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm in the computer lab across campus. My class ended about an hour ago. I have to meet up with my mom for some pre-Christmas shopping (ew - let me divulge in that later...) so I have to wait around campus for her to pick me up after she is done work. I really want to go back to the apartment so that I can finish my new beading order. Drew's mom called us before heading out for Halloween festivities to request some "scarf holders". I'll put some photos up once I get a shots of them.