Another Christmas Conquered...

...I thought Christmas was supposed to be full of joy that you share with your friends and family. I'm not sure I have felt that joy yet. Instead I'm full of rage due to being forced to be squashed into crowded malls, being forced to give gifts to people I don't think deserve them, being forced to do traditions that I no longer care about. I really want to do the things that are going to make me happy, but instead I'm doing the things that will make the ones around me happy. Which is fine, I like to see my near and dear happy - I mainly strive to make them happy. But now it has become even more apparent that I'm unhappy in doing so. So why do we do this? Its only the best of intentions, and at least I see that.

I haven't gotten as much sleep as I would have like over the past week. Maybe two or three hours a night before getting up and trudging on making sure everything is done and packaged by Christmas Eve. So today, as much as I want to get out and about, I'm going to take it slow - or the burnout is going to hurt me even more and getting back up on my feet will be even harder.

I want Drew to pay attention to me more. I don't know how to make him understand. He doesn't see it the way I do. At least I know he's trying and I guess I'll have to settle with that. I just wish I felt more like a happy couple rather than the annoying nagging girlfriend. Maybe I need to give him more space. I wish I could separate myself from him. Clearly I need another hobby (or better - A FUCKING PAYING JOB). I don't want to drag this out. I just want it fixed, or to get over it or SOMETHING - something more than what "this" is. I can't bare to be so upset all the time. Its not healthy for one. And two, well... I don't know where I was going with that - but yeah... its just not fun.

Cat and I have Angels in America coming up this month. I really don't want to do it anymore. We were supposed to get paid for it but now that the theatre company didn't get the grant they had hoped to get - we get nothing. This is only going to prolong me getting a part time job - no good. But I just don't know how to tell them, or worse, I don't know how to tell Cat I really don't want to participate this time around. What I do want to do is help Cat out, she is relying on me, so I guess I'm in. *sigh* I just wish I had better skills at future-projecting or better time management - or I dunno what you'd call it - to see that the things I commit to are just bad ideas/timing.

I just want to be independent and self sufficient. I want to come here one day and stop complaining about everything....

I have to try harder....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (Erin comes tomorrow - that should put a smile on my face!)

What am I doing here??

So yeah... I vowed not to sleep over at Drew's place for at least 2 months... but so far, I have been here 6 nights this month already.

Twice was because I had to do homework and I don't have the internet at my house. Seemed legitimate.

Then we went to B and Armour's housewarming party... it was so close to Drew's house, it only seemed logical to pay for the shorter cab ride.

Then Monday night we went out, and even though it was closer to my house, Drew needed to go home for work early the next day.

Tuesday night... Wednesday night.... Drew got really sick. I decided to stay at his house to keep an eye over him. I know he says that he can take care of himself, but I wanted to help make sure he was going to be okay. Sometimes his stomach pain makes him curl up into a little ball and he can't do anything about it. I don't like seeing him hurt like that, I want to help him ease the pain so that he can get back up on his feet. Like I always tell him: if you're not around, then who is going to take care of me. And YEAH, I know... I'm strong enough to take care of myself too, but its nice to know that I have a safety net - it allows me to go out on a limb more, take a little bit more of a risk. Besides, I got some beading done, I shipped a package to Illinois - being productive was a good trade for sleeping over.

...but then I think... I'm not standing my ground... My mind is muddled. Does Drew not realize how much it means to me to have to compromise on this. I complained the other day that he keeps breaking promises to me, to help me unpack my room and such. He tells me he hasn't had the chance to do that himself. Baloney. He's had since September.... I don't have the luxury of prolonging it that much. Richard will be moving in soon and I have taken over his entire room. I have too much stuff.... But if I never came over here, I'd never see him... and right now I need him in my life... I know I'm smothering him, nagging him... that's why he doesn't communicate with me. He doesn't know how to tell me to go away... he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... its a vicious cycle... One that I have come to realize has happened and had probably been the demise of all of my relationships. Why do I do this??? I have a lot to think about....

.......the sun is shining today. I told Cat over gmail chat that I was going to use this as a good sign today. Get a lot done.... I have a bunch of necklaces to do...then I need to upload some photos to my other blog. I need to update the posts, I've written them but haven't published them. Then I have to go to the Fox and the Fiddle on the Danforth to pick up my IDs. Then I have to book it downtown to get some more earring findings. Then I have to go meet my mom for some Christmas shopping (UHG - I hate mall shopping with large crowds, it makes me a cranky crazy person. And the consumerism makes me want to barf.... I wasn't cut out for this kind of society). Imma be exhausted when I get home. I promised Cat I'd make some veggie soup for her. I'll see if I can pick up some groceries while I'm out with my mom, mainly lots of broccoli and cauliflower and maybe some noodles. Drew says he wants to come over... I think he's just doing it to shut me up instead of really wanting to. I know he wants to tackle his room. I need to give him more credit than doubting him. I just have been so skeptical of everything lately.... to tired to want to endure any more hurt. I have no patience for anything these days.... thank god I'm not a parent... I'd probably drown my kids by accident.

Anyway, if I type anymore its just going to put more of a delay on my list of things to do today...

*sigh*

JUST SMILE - its going to be okay, you're doing well for yourself... picking up the pieces just takes time.... you can do it....

Sometimes, I just need to force myself to be positive... sometimes it works - I hope that that "sometimes" is going to be today.

What has happened??

Its a bit of a blur from what I was to what I am right now...

A while has passed since my last post. I have moved, I have had an insane holiday party at the new house, I have lost my IDs, I have found my IDs, I have reached the depths of my debt...

But all in all, I feel pretty good. I'm much calmer, I'm much more clear headed... just trying to make it through this month so that I can look for a job in the new year.

I can't believe Christmas is so close. And this year I believe even less in this ridiculous holiday. I just know the stress of shopping with my mom is coming... at least this time I don't have much to worry about... I don't have any money to spend.

I do however need to think of something to give to Drew... I know we discussed not giving each other anything but "time". Meaning we'd put the money we would have normally spent on a gift for each other in a little getaway some time later in the future. Which would be great because I feel that our time is never properly utilized when we hang out. There are always chores, or something to argue about, or some friend needing a shoulder to cry on... Not that any of that stuff is bad... I just wish we had more time to JUST us. Like okay, he was sick the past few days and didn't go to work, but that really wasn't spending time together, he was just sleeping off his fever. BUTYEAH > I was saying... I want to find something little to tickle his toes and warm the deepest parts of his heart. Something that has more meaning than just saying "I love you" like we do everyday. Nothing materialistic, nothing expensive... just something that speaks volumes about me loving him, and being thankful that he has stayed by my side for this long... aaaaw shit, and now he knows... because he reads this blog.... but I want him to know... because I want him to know how much he means to me :) Despite all the craziness that has been going on between us. I want to have faith that we are going to be okay on the other side regardless how we turn out as a couple.

Okay back to beading....

PLEASE, SOMEONE OUT THERE, JUST GIVE ME A BREAK!

I just wish that one day, ONE DAY, of my pathetic little life would just be:

quiet

peaceful

still

serene

easy

fun

And I don't need all at once. Just one would do... even just for a half day. Even for just an hour. I'm THAT desperate for things to just go my way for once. I know that negative thinking brings negative outcomes, but I just need a freakin' bone here. Just a little helping hand.

Or maybe just for December to pack its bags and fuck off. October did it, why can't December? Everything just enrages me. I have little or no patience for anything or anyone. I'm turning into one of those crazy people you see drifting in the subway or outside of convenience stores... you know, the ones that glare at you as you walk by and yell profanities... the ones mumbling to themselves how horrible the world is while they fidget with their dirty clothes and hair.... the ones thrashing at invisible evil forces and then ask you for change.... I'm turning into one of THOSE people.... GUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUHHHH....

I'm so goddamned frustrated.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy or fair - but comon'!!!! Give me a fucking BREAK!

And if you excuse me, I have butt-load of homework to do.... and maybe somewhere in the mix I'll have time to eat something... or to go for a pee.... I just don't understand how I don't have time for the simplest of bodily functions. If breathing wasn't an involuntary action, I'm pretty sure something would get in my way to prevent me from doing it on time... AND THEN I'D JUST DIE.

Good. Freud was right, we all have death wishes when happiness in no longer an obtainable goal....

I'm Streeeeeesssssssed

But when am I not complaining about being stressed? This time with a side order of panic.

On the upside: The move was good. Correction - it's good that it happened, but in no way did it happen in a "good" way. It was a stressful and antagonizing pack. My allergies plagued me the whole time. I was unprepared as to how much I would have to leave behind, break, throw out. But it had to happen. I needed to get out and move on. Then my help bailed on me. Which is fine if I had more notice. I would have compensated by doing more before hand. Instead I had to rope my "boyfriend" into renting a truck for me and my parents to help load the moving truck. Then it rained the end of the pack and the entire unpack, while illegally parked assholes watched us.... Not fun, it was exhausting - all I wanted to do was lay down for a sleep. But no, I had to trash my bed on account of bugs... (don't ask) BUT - Its great to finally be in my new place. Although I could totally live without sleeping on the floor and living out of boxes.