I'm Streeeeeesssssssed

But when am I not complaining about being stressed? This time with a side order of panic.

On the upside: The move was good. Correction - it's good that it happened, but in no way did it happen in a "good" way. It was a stressful and antagonizing pack. My allergies plagued me the whole time. I was unprepared as to how much I would have to leave behind, break, throw out. But it had to happen. I needed to get out and move on. Then my help bailed on me. Which is fine if I had more notice. I would have compensated by doing more before hand. Instead I had to rope my "boyfriend" into renting a truck for me and my parents to help load the moving truck. Then it rained the end of the pack and the entire unpack, while illegally parked assholes watched us.... Not fun, it was exhausting - all I wanted to do was lay down for a sleep. But no, I had to trash my bed on account of bugs... (don't ask) BUT - Its great to finally be in my new place. Although I could totally live without sleeping on the floor and living out of boxes.



I truly want to be unpacked and living happily with my new roommates, but I currently have too much on my plate to be able to do that. And its not my fault. Its just bad timing. Its just "that time of year" where everything seems to culminate and pile up. But I let go of everything because I was being criticized for poor time management. I let go of my job so that I could focus on school - where has that gotten me? BROKE and frantic to make ends meet. I let go of my commitment to the student union - where has that gotten me? Resentful and feeling out of place on campus, I have no friends there. I let go of being an artist - where has that gotten me? Feeling completely unhappy and incomplete. I let go of Drew and our relationship - where has that gotten me? Desperate to feel close to someone. Frantic to find independence and solidity in my own self-worth... I don't want to say that I'm spiraling out of control... I've stopped that. I'm now just standing at the end of a very dark tunnel feeling around for the way out. My situation is not at all good, but at least I have the heart to say that it is now better. Seeing my friends - I put on a happy face and a happy voice, I don't want them worrying about me anymore. I feel like a degenerate when they do. And its not that I'm not grateful for their support, but its just TIRED, you know? I'm tired of being pitied, I'm tired of hearing "that's so typical of you", I'm tired of the same crazy, chaotic things happening to me.

I can't help that I function differently than the rest of society. I can't help that my reactions are not the same as the Joe beside me on the bus. I can't help that my feelings are skewed in a different direction than the rest of my family. I can't help that my ambitions are not the same kind of drive as my peers. I just don't get how I'm still here trying to fit in when I'm so different. I guess I was hoping that would give me an edge... but no, no one is looking for an individual - they are looking for a the perfect fit for the cookie cutter.

I'm not too sure what I was just complaining about above... I'm distracted. I got an extension on my assignments on account of my move - so I'm also trying to do research. But I'm trying so hard not to let the stress get to me. I want to cry for some stupid reason.

I'm a secret shopper for Cat's company, and I have to spy on 5 more hotels and go on a tour. I really wish I didn't have to do it right away, I was supposed to be done by now... but some unforeseen delays have led to me having to come back another day. I really don't want to go on the tour they want me to shed light on for them. Its a huge inconvenience to the rest of my studies BUT - 1) Cat got me this gig to help me out financially, partially so that she can be at ease that I'll be able to pay for rent this month. 2) I already committed to the company, I can't back out now or else I won't get paid.

My mom has signed me up to be a volunteer for her company's kids' holiday party again. I really like doing it but - HOLY inconvenient timing. I tried to get out of it and her silence was sheer disappointment enough. I just don't know how to communicate to her that I need this time. She just hears that I left my homework until the last minute. She isn't listening to my words, she just thinks she heard what I said... its frustrating too because I have to go to a Casa dinner that night to see the rest of the family. I'm obligated to go so that my grandmother feels that I'm not abusing the money she is giving me to fund my education. Its so unfair. That family is so full of double standards.

Drew and I have come to another agreement. We aren't on a break - we're just going to try space first and if that doesn't work - THEN we can go to more extreme measures to ensure that we'll be okay on the other side of things. I just don't like being given the 3rd degree from bystanders trying to make sense of our relationship... its hard enough as it is. I know its going to be okay. I know space is going to be good. I know all of this!! Just let us go through the motions by ourselves - we'll be fine. We just have to figure it out ourselves - by ourselves.

I feel like I have so much to say - but no more words are coming to me. I'm just angry and annoyed that I just can't have two minutes of peace so that I can figure out which direction to turn. I'm exhausted. I'm tired all the time. I just want to sleep.

There is no sleep for the wicked...