I need space...

... perhaps that is why I stay away for so long.  I feel so invaded that I need space.  I love my alone time.  I just laze in the sun and do crosswords and snack on little treats I prepare for myself and take pictures of things that intrigue me and getting involved in the lives of the characters of my new favourite shows...  and then someone walks in the door and I feel I have to stop all of that, or close my door... It is strange.  Like I have to be private about what I'm doing... I don't know why....  Things to contemplate.

So I found out that I have laryngitis from a cold or sinus infection.  My lungs seem to be clear from fluids and my throat is not sore.  I keep coughing because I have terrible nasal drip which is aggravating my throat which is making me more hoarse.  I literally have no voice.  I have taken the last four days off of work.  This is going to kill my next paycheque.  So I have quarantined myself to Drew's because I know there is solitude there during the day and most of the evening.  It took me two whole days to stop talking... hahah, I never realized how much I socialize...  Like don't get me wrong, I know I'm a chatterbox - but I can't even say for simple things like "pass me the salt" or "no, thank you"... I am noticing a significant difference in my voice though.  One more day of this silent treatment and I should be okay to go back to work this weekend.

On Monday I went to the walk-in clinic at Sherbourne and Bloor.  HAH - what a shit show.  I waitied 3 and half hours to see a doctor that looked at me for about 15 minutes.  And for once I didn't feel compelled to complain about the wait or the need to be impatient.  I just sat there, enjoyed an Arizona tea and read a 24H newspaper.  Luckily I had a pen in my purse so I could do the crossword and sodoku.  I actually enjoyed myself there.  I got to watch EVEYONE ELSE wretch in pain over the wait.  They paced back and forth, they hugged their sides in agony (and not because they are actually hurting, but because they couldn't endure the wait), I got to listen to the sob stories and explanations as to why they should be seen sooner, and I got to see the exasperation on people's faces when they found out the registration desk closed an hour early because there were so many patients already in line....  FREE ENTERTAINMENT.  The doctor that saw me said that if the nasal spray she prescribed me doesn't help me get better by the end of the weekend, I should come back - maybe I'll just stop by and sit in the waiting room for some more cheap thrills - hahaha.

So here I find myself alone again in Drew's apartment.  I've turned it into my little sick room, so I guess I should clean it up a bit now that I have regained some energy from this time-out.  Ooooooooor maybe I'll just watch another episode of House first.... yeah, I'll do that.  Then out into the sunshine it is for me, I want to feel the fresh air on my skin - maybe a walk in the cemetery would be nice.  Talk about space!

We avoid the things we don't like...

My throat is still scratchy.  Whatever I did at Formal the other night has gotten worse.  At least the throwing up has subsided, but now I have strep-like symptoms.  Meh, I'll get over it in time.  It just sucks because I'm not at my top performance.  Which sucks even more for work...

So my housemates are throwing a party/get together on Friday.  To be honest I'm not overly thrilled to participate in shenanigans due to me being ill...  I'm never in the house very much any more and the more I'm nagged or reminded that I'm never there it makes me wanna stay away for even longer.  Don't ask me what happened to me during my childhood that made me this way... I just don't know.  All I know is that we all avoid things we don't like.  What is not to like though?  It is at a great location, I love the layout of the house, I love the people I live with... what is not to like??  I just don't get it.

Also, I don't like the fact that my room is a dumping station - it irritates me.  From me running in and out of the door, from people returning things they have borrowed, from people coming into my room to use my computer, from me being sick and having meals in my room.... and the list goes on and on and on.  And here I find myself tidying Drew's room for "Guys' Night In", but every time that Drew and I plan on going to my house to do the same - SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP.  It's annoying.  Like last night, we were going to go to my place so that I could do some much needed laundry for work, but Cat and Nick called us when Drew got home and were planning on coming over to hang out with us.  We waited and waited and waited for them to call us back after they made their dinner but it never happened.  And by the time we realized the hour, it was too late to do anything... so my room got neglected again.

And I don't like my room being a mess and constant clutter.  It irritates the fuck out of me actually.  But I deal with it because it's never going to change until I move into a place of my own, where I have ample space and places to put my things exactly where I want them.  It never works when there is shared space.  It just pains me that I will never be satisfied until I live on my own (or with someone significant) - and its a damn shame too because this house is gorgeous.

Guh, I'm just in a terrible mood because I'm sick and I don't want to be bothered...

YORK UNIVERSITY YOU ARE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE!!!

I'm soooooooo DONE with this place!!!  I'm enraged beyond words.  Every time I get hopeful about graduating from York University something comes crashing down on my dreams.  I'm too upset to get into details right now... but I'm seriously considering pooping on York property to give them back everything they have given me over my time and experience there - SHIT.

It troubles me...

It troubles me when I post twice in a day...
It troubles me when I say one thing and then I want to reverse it...
It troubles me that you act this way and I want to smash your face in...
It troubles me that I'm drinking by myself as an act of protest against  you...
It troubles me that I've been feeling more and more isolated as the days go by...
It troubles me that I have an urge to spread my wings because I feel confided...
It troubles me that all I want to do is cry as hard as I can and yell even louder...
It troubles me that I'm not feeling the wine yet....

gah...
next week I'm making some plans with some people I haven't seen in almost a decade.  And seriously I can fucking wait.  Don't get me wrong, I love the people I hang out with day in and day out... but it's beginning to feel a little stale.  Not the hangouts, not the people, just for me... I feel like I'm stale. 

and...
then the very bitter part of me just wants to do it to make you jealous, to see me having so much fun... so that you'll want me to come spend time with you like all the times I've been dying to spend time with you.

Yeah, I'm kinda upset right now, well, more so frustrated.  And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it... which frustrates me even more.  I just need to suck it up and get over it.  Tonight's just not my night, what can I say....

...but still, it troubles me....

French Toast in the yard...

I'm listening to "Paris" by Friendly Fires on repeat right now.  I got up early with Drew.  He made the house french toast, and bought us syrup so that we could have breakfast in the yard today.  It was so ridiculously perfect out.  Just enough sunshine to keep us warm in the morning shade.  The pavement was cold though - it froze my toes a little.  Then Richard, Cat and I got ready for our days.  I was supposed to go with them to Bulk Barn because I want to make "Easter Bark" to hand out this weekend, but it was cutting it too close to work time.  I should get going soon, but I think I will change my outfit for something lighter... it is getting hot out and I have a feeling I'll be up in men's a lot. 

Anyway, Drew has been incredibly sweet of late.  We had a very frustrating few days, but we talked it through, very emotionally, but we talked none-the-less.  Things are fine, I think we are just scared of how much we care about each other and had a little freak out.  I honestly don't know what I'd do without him right now.  All my lingering thoughts go back to him and when I'm going to see him next.  I cling to the thought of him, I hold onto it as long and hard as I can.

I really wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend, but really I should be thrilled at the hours I have been receiving.  I still have a considerable amount of homework to do before I'm officially OFFICIALLY done university.  This group project is driving me nuts and I just wish it would go away.  One of our group members is getting a free ride on his grade and it's not fair.... but I just don't have the time to whine about it - just move on.

I'm itching to do something else than be tied down by York.  I'm soooooooooo over it.  Town Shoes still gives me so much free time to do whatever else, I'm thrilled actually.

EDIT - I just looked at my schedule and realized I was looking at LAST WEEK's schedule... I only have to work at 3pm... OMG - I'm such a dunce.  I'm going to go perfect my outfit.

BUT that's what I'm also lamenting about.  I can't wait to have York out of the way so that I can start organizing myself...  I'll actually have time to commit to cleaning my room and sorting through all the stuff that I have and start getting rid of it all...  And then I can live in a clutter free room because my school books won't be all over the floor and my desks and upstairs and Drew's place....  I can start focusing all of my income on my livelihood instead of unnecessary course kits and other school supplies that I'll only ever use ONCE...  I can start getting to all those other tasks I have started, like painting and the garden and ESPECIALLY my beading.  Soon, so very soon I'll be able to move on in my life and feel accomplished. 

York - You are HOLDING ME BACK!