Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Google - you're amazing...
So I spent the first part of the morning watching Google videos on their (new) initiatives. I requested for a Google Wave invite... I doubt I'll get one, but I REALLY want one.
I have always loved my gmail account, but I will definitely make way for Wave.
And have you heard about Google Voice? The new neighbours told me about it over pints at the Ab. Unfortunately its only available in the states... but count me in when its available north of the boarder.
And this is for someone as direction disoriented as me:
But these programers are just genius... I still have trouble understanding HTML... and I'm designing a website right now?? Haha, I make myself giggle at the initiatives that I take on, but I make art with my hands, not a keyboard and mouse.... so its proven a little difficult.
I really wish that I could remain technologically independent (considering any cell phone or electronic has a life span of 6 months to a year in my hands - how does this happen all the time?) but then again, there are so many amazing things happening to make people's lives "easier". What did we do before all of these gadgets and do-dads? I remember always having a payphone calling card in my wallet so that I could call people when I was out and about. I didn't have a cell phone or the internet in my house until near the end of OAC - and now I can't seem to live without it. Well, I'm sure that I could live without it just fine - but being so disconnected from the rest of the world.... mmm, I'll give in on that one.
<3 SLaw
I have always loved my gmail account, but I will definitely make way for Wave.
And have you heard about Google Voice? The new neighbours told me about it over pints at the Ab. Unfortunately its only available in the states... but count me in when its available north of the boarder.
And this is for someone as direction disoriented as me:
But these programers are just genius... I still have trouble understanding HTML... and I'm designing a website right now?? Haha, I make myself giggle at the initiatives that I take on, but I make art with my hands, not a keyboard and mouse.... so its proven a little difficult.
I really wish that I could remain technologically independent (considering any cell phone or electronic has a life span of 6 months to a year in my hands - how does this happen all the time?) but then again, there are so many amazing things happening to make people's lives "easier". What did we do before all of these gadgets and do-dads? I remember always having a payphone calling card in my wallet so that I could call people when I was out and about. I didn't have a cell phone or the internet in my house until near the end of OAC - and now I can't seem to live without it. Well, I'm sure that I could live without it just fine - but being so disconnected from the rest of the world.... mmm, I'll give in on that one.
<3 SLaw
Monday, September 28, 2009
September Goals Revisted
SEPTEMBER: in no particular order
1- see three movies with Drew (1 at TiFF)
2- give 2 month's notice at end of month
3 - make 10 sets of earrings for 'Woods & Woods'
4- make at least 2 fully inked and watercoloured illustrations
5- go to the Toronto Island at least once
6- buy groceries only from the local (farmer's) markets (no chain grocery stores)
7- open a new savings account
8- get a credit card
9- actively pursue a new job
10- get a hair cut that you like
The only thing I can add to that I did was give my two month's notice... It has been a painful journey following doing so. This goal has in fact not allowed me to successfully accomplish the rest of the goals on the list. I haven't finished my watercolours, I have not finished the earrings for 'Woods & Woods', I have not gone to see the remaining 2 movies (although I bought 4 pre-paid passes to any Cineplex).... I have however had time to apply for some prospective jobs. So I guess all is not a loss. My hair cut has already begun to show signs of growing out... I want it even shorter now... but that is silly, I can live with this bob, its cute and takes a little more maintenance than I realized.
Back to what I was saying with the 2 month's notice to move out. I have taken it one step further. If you read the post previous to this one, you'll notice that I'm "removing" myself. Yep, despite the fact that I will be paying rent until November I am packing my things now and plan to be out of the Shithaus before the end of October. Roughly around the weekend of the 23rd, if I can make it happen sooner, I'll jump at the opportunity. I can't subject myself to this kind of environment any longer. Call it being a pussy, call it being childish, call it whatever you like, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, I am unhappy and I want to create results now. I have had enough of giving "time" to people so they can figure out their shit and feelings and whatever... What about time for ME? Is anyone setting aside time for me? Not really, but now that I am in a crisis are my TRUE friends stepping up to the plate (thanks guys for supporting me - and sorry to bring you into this dirty mess of mine).
Who knew growing up could be so frustrating?? But that's life I guess, shitty hands are dealt more regularly than the ones that will have a big pay off.
But on a more positive note - October is around the bend and a new set of 10 goals are underway!!
<3 SLaw
1- see three movies with Drew (1 at TiFF)
2- give 2 month's notice at end of month
3 - make 10 sets of earrings for 'Woods & Woods'
4- make at least 2 fully inked and watercoloured illustrations
5- go to the Toronto Island at least once
6- buy groceries only from the local (farmer's) markets (no chain grocery stores)
7- open a new savings account
8- get a credit card
9- actively pursue a new job
10- get a hair cut that you like
The only thing I can add to that I did was give my two month's notice... It has been a painful journey following doing so. This goal has in fact not allowed me to successfully accomplish the rest of the goals on the list. I haven't finished my watercolours, I have not finished the earrings for 'Woods & Woods', I have not gone to see the remaining 2 movies (although I bought 4 pre-paid passes to any Cineplex).... I have however had time to apply for some prospective jobs. So I guess all is not a loss. My hair cut has already begun to show signs of growing out... I want it even shorter now... but that is silly, I can live with this bob, its cute and takes a little more maintenance than I realized.
Back to what I was saying with the 2 month's notice to move out. I have taken it one step further. If you read the post previous to this one, you'll notice that I'm "removing" myself. Yep, despite the fact that I will be paying rent until November I am packing my things now and plan to be out of the Shithaus before the end of October. Roughly around the weekend of the 23rd, if I can make it happen sooner, I'll jump at the opportunity. I can't subject myself to this kind of environment any longer. Call it being a pussy, call it being childish, call it whatever you like, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, I am unhappy and I want to create results now. I have had enough of giving "time" to people so they can figure out their shit and feelings and whatever... What about time for ME? Is anyone setting aside time for me? Not really, but now that I am in a crisis are my TRUE friends stepping up to the plate (thanks guys for supporting me - and sorry to bring you into this dirty mess of mine).
Who knew growing up could be so frustrating?? But that's life I guess, shitty hands are dealt more regularly than the ones that will have a big pay off.
But on a more positive note - October is around the bend and a new set of 10 goals are underway!!
<3 SLaw
'Sup dummie
What a mess, what a fucking mess this is. I'm trying to be as neutral to the situation as possible but its really hard when I feel like I'm being attacked. I don't go home any more. Its no longer my home, I'm not comfortable there. I'm not sure when I became the "bad guy" but acting like an adult is so difficult when I'm surrounded by childish behaviour. I have no more sympathy for other's mistakes, I need to focus on my life and my life alone. I'm too nice, I get taken advantage of and trampled on - and when I finally stand up for myself I get shit on.
Its a shame friendships will be lost in the end of it all... but I didn't bring it to this level. All I know is that if I'm going to keep my cool and not act rash I have to remove myself from the conflict completely. I'm done arguing, I'm done trying to shine light on it, I'm done, done, DONE. There is nothing left to do but leave... I would like to say that I hope it all works out for them in end, but frankly feeling this hurt and disrespected I just want to see it all fall in their faces, I want to see them fail. But that's not me, I'm diplomatic, I'm fair and I'm kind.
You're just too dumb to see that.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I want to be here more often...
It frustrates me that what I can share is dictated by my availability to the internet.
I carry a note book around with me, it is my everything. Right from to do lists, grocery lists, doodles, my journal, my class notes, email drafts... everything. It is a place for me to record things when my brain is brimming with too much information or else I'll forget it. Its kind of funny though, as soon as I release my mind from all the information and thoughts that are floating up in there its like I've forgotten them anyway. I rarely look back at my lists or my journal entries. I have accepted making way for new information and thoughts... I was in a certain mind set when I wrote all of that down and upon looking at it again its like looking at old ugly photos of myself, I can't change the past and I've moved on with a new set of emotions and perspectives.
There are issues like this that we discuss in my Tuesday class. Memory and Space. I'm not sure if I have mentioned but I think I'm going to upload my class notes here. Not only so that I have a permanent copy that I can refer to in the case that I loose my hand written material (which is entirely possible) but so you can have a taste of what we are discussing. Its truly interesting.... FINALLY! Classes I enjoy going to, I ACTUALLY look forward to going.
But anyway, I want to be here more often. I want to make this blog so much more than it already is. Just text. Which isn't bad, but I want to share so much more. Not having the internet at home sucks. I have to rely on other sources of the interweb like here in the computer lab - which is entirely irritating.... or my neighbour's house or at Drew's. I don't like having these kinds of limits but you can't always get what you want. I'm dealing with it, its not the best but its okay.
In today's class about European art between the Wars we discussed Readymades... I know this is a pretty tired topic by now in my final year... but we have an entirely different approach to it. We actually talk about art, instead of regurgitate artists and titles and dates and lame excuses for a synopsis of concept. I, for once, am not afraid to share my two cents.
[inner monologue: I HATE this lab... its distracting and frustrating. There are so many people abusing the service that is provided here. My creativity is always compromised - my serenity erased... I find it hard to appreciate the things right in front of me when I see so many people getting away with practically MURDER.... this tangent isn't important. I need to stay focused.]
I'm supposed to go shopping with my mom... we talked about capitalist societies and bourgeois consumerism and I almost feel bad for wanting to get some weather appropriate shoes. I already went shopping with my mom yesterday at the L'Oreal make-up show we go to seasonally. I'm so naive sometimes it hurts, it makes me nervous to participate in anything bigger than my humble bubble...
Drew and I are taking a bit of a break from being subjected to each other's presence all the time. Its difficult for us to be a couple living together when there is a roommate present all the time, especially in their apartment dynamic. But there is nothing wrong with that. Drew was afraid to tell me he needed space - fuck, I needed space. We were both just to sheepish to say something... how silly.
Anyway, furthering my eternal search for a decent job, I will not apply for something that I feel my skill and potential exceeds... This is a rough path to take but I'm determined to SHINE.
<3 SLaw
I carry a note book around with me, it is my everything. Right from to do lists, grocery lists, doodles, my journal, my class notes, email drafts... everything. It is a place for me to record things when my brain is brimming with too much information or else I'll forget it. Its kind of funny though, as soon as I release my mind from all the information and thoughts that are floating up in there its like I've forgotten them anyway. I rarely look back at my lists or my journal entries. I have accepted making way for new information and thoughts... I was in a certain mind set when I wrote all of that down and upon looking at it again its like looking at old ugly photos of myself, I can't change the past and I've moved on with a new set of emotions and perspectives.
There are issues like this that we discuss in my Tuesday class. Memory and Space. I'm not sure if I have mentioned but I think I'm going to upload my class notes here. Not only so that I have a permanent copy that I can refer to in the case that I loose my hand written material (which is entirely possible) but so you can have a taste of what we are discussing. Its truly interesting.... FINALLY! Classes I enjoy going to, I ACTUALLY look forward to going.
But anyway, I want to be here more often. I want to make this blog so much more than it already is. Just text. Which isn't bad, but I want to share so much more. Not having the internet at home sucks. I have to rely on other sources of the interweb like here in the computer lab - which is entirely irritating.... or my neighbour's house or at Drew's. I don't like having these kinds of limits but you can't always get what you want. I'm dealing with it, its not the best but its okay.
In today's class about European art between the Wars we discussed Readymades... I know this is a pretty tired topic by now in my final year... but we have an entirely different approach to it. We actually talk about art, instead of regurgitate artists and titles and dates and lame excuses for a synopsis of concept. I, for once, am not afraid to share my two cents.
[inner monologue: I HATE this lab... its distracting and frustrating. There are so many people abusing the service that is provided here. My creativity is always compromised - my serenity erased... I find it hard to appreciate the things right in front of me when I see so many people getting away with practically MURDER.... this tangent isn't important. I need to stay focused.]
I'm supposed to go shopping with my mom... we talked about capitalist societies and bourgeois consumerism and I almost feel bad for wanting to get some weather appropriate shoes. I already went shopping with my mom yesterday at the L'Oreal make-up show we go to seasonally. I'm so naive sometimes it hurts, it makes me nervous to participate in anything bigger than my humble bubble...
Drew and I are taking a bit of a break from being subjected to each other's presence all the time. Its difficult for us to be a couple living together when there is a roommate present all the time, especially in their apartment dynamic. But there is nothing wrong with that. Drew was afraid to tell me he needed space - fuck, I needed space. We were both just to sheepish to say something... how silly.
Anyway, furthering my eternal search for a decent job, I will not apply for something that I feel my skill and potential exceeds... This is a rough path to take but I'm determined to SHINE.
<3 SLaw
Monday, September 21, 2009
BUMP
Drew's making breakfast right now, I'm typing on his new computer. Its sexy, its sleek but the keyboard is really small and I keep making mistakes.
Yesterday we went to island with Keyel and Stormchaser. It was great to get away from the city to indulge what we normally can't out in the open public, like smoking, red wine and nude swimming.
My head hurts, like not figuratively but physically. I have a large bump on my fore head. What was a normal hangover on Saturday morning turned into a potential concussion. I must have blacked out and cracked my head on the bathroom tiles only to wake up screaming and spewing blood from my mouth. Drew dragged me off of the ground, I could feel my eye rolling into the back of my head. I couldn't stand, I couldn't see, I couldn't do anything but roll and moan in pain. Drew put me back to bed while he talked to my parents (I was supposed to meet them at the TMCC at 10am).... I managed to get up to look in the sink which was brimming with thrown up leftover coldcuts that I ate in an attempt to feed my empty drunk stomach. Then I looked in the mirror - a HUGE goose egg... OMG, thank god I have bangs now to cover it up. I'm slowly finding more and more bruises - they're brutal.
Okay chow time... more later.
SLaw
Friday, September 18, 2009
September Goals
I decided to post my goals.
I really want to make sure this works out for me.
Time management is something HUGE I need to work on and probably even just ESTABLISH in my life.
Don't get me wrong, spontaneity is great - but in the grand scheme of things planning is best, I can explore all aspects of getting to the result instead of just hoping it will turn out good and for the better.
SEPTEMBER: in no particular order
1- see three movies with Drew (1 at TiFF)
2- give 2 month's notice at end of month
3 - make 10 sets of earrings for 'Woods & Woods'
4- make at least 2 fully inked and watercoloured illustrations
5- go to the Toronto Island at least once
6- buy groceries only from the local (farmer's) markets (no chain grocery stores)
7- open a new savings account
8- get a credit card
9- actively pursue a new job
10- get a hair cut that you like
So far, I had an interview for a job (but didn't get it - oh well!), I have seen a movie at TIFF (REC.2 - AMAZING, will tell more later...), I applied for a credit card, I got a REAL savings account instead of a secret stash box in my underwear drawer, I have made 2 pairs of earrings for Drew's parents' store in Uxbridge, I have gone to the island once already with a plan to go this weekend, grocery shopping has been so much fun this month - local stores are AWESOME, and I got a new hair cut - and I love it!!
Pretty good since today is the 18th... I am hopeful that accomplishing the rest of the list won't be too hard.
I really want to make sure this works out for me.
Time management is something HUGE I need to work on and probably even just ESTABLISH in my life.
Don't get me wrong, spontaneity is great - but in the grand scheme of things planning is best, I can explore all aspects of getting to the result instead of just hoping it will turn out good and for the better.
SEPTEMBER: in no particular order
1- see three movies with Drew (1 at TiFF)
2- give 2 month's notice at end of month
3 - make 10 sets of earrings for 'Woods & Woods'
4- make at least 2 fully inked and watercoloured illustrations
5- go to the Toronto Island at least once
6- buy groceries only from the local (farmer's) markets (no chain grocery stores)
7- open a new savings account
8- get a credit card
9- actively pursue a new job
10- get a hair cut that you like
So far, I had an interview for a job (but didn't get it - oh well!), I have seen a movie at TIFF (REC.2 - AMAZING, will tell more later...), I applied for a credit card, I got a REAL savings account instead of a secret stash box in my underwear drawer, I have made 2 pairs of earrings for Drew's parents' store in Uxbridge, I have gone to the island once already with a plan to go this weekend, grocery shopping has been so much fun this month - local stores are AWESOME, and I got a new hair cut - and I love it!!
Pretty good since today is the 18th... I am hopeful that accomplishing the rest of the list won't be too hard.
Its been a while...
...but only because my roommates cannot afford the luxury of the internet. Its annoying... but its all going to change soon. *happy face*
I decided to make 10 goals per month, September's goals are going well, especially since I finalized the list just two days ago. I'm starting to think of October's goals. It gives me purpose and something to look forward to. And I HAVE to complete/accomplish them by the last day of the month, otherwise, I'm just breaking promises with myself. Reason being: if I can't trust myself to do 10 (simple) things in 30 days then how will people out there be able to do the same? I want to be more reliable, accountable and responsible. I feel that I already embody these traits, but heck there is always room for impovement... and I feel that working on these aspects of my life will encourage growth in me as an adult. I'm ready to be an adult and while I am an adult by age, I don't really feel it as a person...
I'm trying very hard to get myself organized. I want to be a young professional. I want it now. I'm so goddamned impatient.... But I guess it has something to do with the fact that all of my life (and this goes for many people too) I have had everything handed to me right when I want it. The world was at my finger tips. Throughout childhood and high school my parents and teachers always wanted the best for my success and gave me all that I needed to ensure that I got there: a roof over my head, 3 meals a day, clothes and school supplies, art lessons, study help, guidance and resources to acheive my goals to graduate and apply to university... and even in University too... and especially with the age change from the double cohort... University continues to infantile us. We want something and we want it now and we usually get it - on a silver platter too. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be dependent. I know I don't have to be, but now that I'm trying to actualize this goal to be independent I'm finding it so difficult because all the things I should have experienced and learned on my own have just been handed to me. Its frustrating to because I want the change to happen now. That's impossible and as much as that angers me... there is nothing to do but sit it out and enjoy the ride. I've accepted that. Its taken me a while, but now that I have I can say that I'm 10 times happier than I was maybe even a week ago.
I was breaking down crying all the time. It was hard because I didn't know why. Well, I shouldn't say that. I knew why, but it wasn't helping to know that I couldn't fix it right away and get immediate gratification that I improved my situation. It has taken countless days of weighing options, talking to friends, seeking advice and so on... its actually quite exhausting... before I felt confident in the choices that I'm making - for once.
My classes are thought provoking... I'm ACTUALLY enjoying class. I haven't missed one yet and I've done all of the readings (how untypical!) . Why weren't these sort of classes available to me before?? You know what, they were... its incredible to think that I'm such a different person now than I was a year and a half ago. I feel like a new breath has been blown into my soul. I'm so much more motivated and happy about the things I do instead of cowering and making excuses for being so "hard done to". I'm almost ashamed to think of how lame and stupid I was before - thinking that everyone was out to get me and "poor lil ol me" and I was just a victim. I'm washing away my past. I'm just going to be a forward thinker from now on and I'm going to stop dwelling on the past and how things "used to be so much better". I'm at an exciting time in my life. I want to move out on my own. I want to have a new job. I want to be an artist again. I want to take my beading seriously. I want to be involved in the community around me - and not in the sense of like college council but in the sense that I want be actively walking the streets and enjoying my environment (you can't do that where I'm living now without fear of maybe being mugged).
I'm not sure where this push to change came from... I'm not sure how I realized it. But I'm glad it happened now and I've stopped living a life of denial. I know I'm an amazing person and I have a lot to give - but its only been potential right now. I can't believe I allowed myself to be so stunted. I'm no longer hesitant, I have my head held up high again. It feels good.
Damn good.
happy once again - SLaw
I decided to make 10 goals per month, September's goals are going well, especially since I finalized the list just two days ago. I'm starting to think of October's goals. It gives me purpose and something to look forward to. And I HAVE to complete/accomplish them by the last day of the month, otherwise, I'm just breaking promises with myself. Reason being: if I can't trust myself to do 10 (simple) things in 30 days then how will people out there be able to do the same? I want to be more reliable, accountable and responsible. I feel that I already embody these traits, but heck there is always room for impovement... and I feel that working on these aspects of my life will encourage growth in me as an adult. I'm ready to be an adult and while I am an adult by age, I don't really feel it as a person...
I'm trying very hard to get myself organized. I want to be a young professional. I want it now. I'm so goddamned impatient.... But I guess it has something to do with the fact that all of my life (and this goes for many people too) I have had everything handed to me right when I want it. The world was at my finger tips. Throughout childhood and high school my parents and teachers always wanted the best for my success and gave me all that I needed to ensure that I got there: a roof over my head, 3 meals a day, clothes and school supplies, art lessons, study help, guidance and resources to acheive my goals to graduate and apply to university... and even in University too... and especially with the age change from the double cohort... University continues to infantile us. We want something and we want it now and we usually get it - on a silver platter too. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be dependent. I know I don't have to be, but now that I'm trying to actualize this goal to be independent I'm finding it so difficult because all the things I should have experienced and learned on my own have just been handed to me. Its frustrating to because I want the change to happen now. That's impossible and as much as that angers me... there is nothing to do but sit it out and enjoy the ride. I've accepted that. Its taken me a while, but now that I have I can say that I'm 10 times happier than I was maybe even a week ago.
I was breaking down crying all the time. It was hard because I didn't know why. Well, I shouldn't say that. I knew why, but it wasn't helping to know that I couldn't fix it right away and get immediate gratification that I improved my situation. It has taken countless days of weighing options, talking to friends, seeking advice and so on... its actually quite exhausting... before I felt confident in the choices that I'm making - for once.
My classes are thought provoking... I'm ACTUALLY enjoying class. I haven't missed one yet and I've done all of the readings (how untypical!) . Why weren't these sort of classes available to me before?? You know what, they were... its incredible to think that I'm such a different person now than I was a year and a half ago. I feel like a new breath has been blown into my soul. I'm so much more motivated and happy about the things I do instead of cowering and making excuses for being so "hard done to". I'm almost ashamed to think of how lame and stupid I was before - thinking that everyone was out to get me and "poor lil ol me" and I was just a victim. I'm washing away my past. I'm just going to be a forward thinker from now on and I'm going to stop dwelling on the past and how things "used to be so much better". I'm at an exciting time in my life. I want to move out on my own. I want to have a new job. I want to be an artist again. I want to take my beading seriously. I want to be involved in the community around me - and not in the sense of like college council but in the sense that I want be actively walking the streets and enjoying my environment (you can't do that where I'm living now without fear of maybe being mugged).
I'm not sure where this push to change came from... I'm not sure how I realized it. But I'm glad it happened now and I've stopped living a life of denial. I know I'm an amazing person and I have a lot to give - but its only been potential right now. I can't believe I allowed myself to be so stunted. I'm no longer hesitant, I have my head held up high again. It feels good.
Damn good.
happy once again - SLaw
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Photographic evidence that I'm too involved here:
Hahahaha, check this out... so I just took a message for someone in our office from someone in The Office of the President. I was in the middle of something else so I didn't remember who called... so I decided to look her up on the directory. The extension she gave me was not listed (smart - no one in that office wants to be harrassed on the phone). So then I decided to check the website to see if their homepage had any clue to who it was - nope, but on the home page I found this picture!! Hahaha, I barely recall this photo even being taken.... good to see that I'm considered a 'model student' for the univeristy so much so the be posed next to the President himself! I wish someone told me to take the glasses off of my head...
And the funny thing, I didn't get to keep the tshirt!
Edit @ 3:00pm: This was taken on the same day - hah!
And check out this link... I have the first photo on my wall... (and facebook now that I think of it!!)
And the funny thing, I didn't get to keep the tshirt!Edit @ 3:00pm: This was taken on the same day - hah!
And check out this link... I have the first photo on my wall... (and facebook now that I think of it!!)
Get Out Of My Way!!
Summer is OFFICIALLY over - in my books anyway.
sooooooooo, I was 15 minutes late for work today because my usual serene bus stop was packed with ass holes. Today is the first day back to classes on campus. Two buses just drove past because they were too full. The next four buses could only let on about 10 to eight people before telling the rest of us that we'd have to wait for the next bus because they too were overloaded with students - even though I was at the stop WAY before most of the dicks that were standing there with me. I try to be polite and stand in line, but not when everyone pushes and fights their way to the open doors of the bus. I had to call my work to let them know of this delay... but no one seemed impressed when I walked in the door just over 10minutes of my usual arrival time. The silence is gone and now is replaced with the hubbub of students and faculty. Even getting to my building and THEN to the elevator was a struggle... there were people every where!! When did I become such a human-loathing person??!! Like I know I despise malls on weekends and the subway at rush hour... but who doesn't? I like my personal space and there are very few who I feel comfortable invading it. Just get out of my damn way so I can go on my day... grah - what a way to start my morning....
Last night was nerd-night with the boys ("Bear", "the Mohr", "Jay", "Gill" and "Gordo" and "CrAZY Drew"). It was a good time, I'm beginning to feel a little more comfortable with role-playing - hahaha, I would normally never catch myself dead participating in something like this, but somehow with these guys its totally normal and way fun. Gill showed me a website for submitting illustrations for stuff like what we are doing after he saw my little doodles in my binder that I do to keep me entertained while its "not my turn" and to remember plot line (my attention span is not that long, sorry!). I think I'm going to do it. Gill has been pushing me to be more creative and to utilize my talents. I have been dying to get back into visual arts, but its not at matter of time, its not a matter of space, it really has to do with being inspired. I just don't feel that I am. I have dark looming clouds over my head and I'm currently trying to evade them so I can resume being "bubbly SLaw" instead of placating those emotions. But in any case, I brought my sketch book to work with me, might doodle during lunch and after work.... might make a venture to the Abby for a pint (Its Dr's birthday today, as well as my Frosh Boss from first year ("Todd")), so he will be hanging around. I want to wish him face to face, texts and facebook just really don't suffice for my close friends. I just hope it isn't going to be packed since its the official re-open date... I just want to enjoy the atmosphere in my own space.
The executive officer said she'd keep my contacts and class schedule on her desk so that if she ever needs extra help in the office they will call me right away instead of putting up another job posting. Its good to know that someone is looking out for my well being - that boost my ego a little bit - and I feel that I need it. I haven't heard back from TPM (the theatre job I applied for) about the position... but its only the beginning of the day. I really hope that I get the position... some steady income would be fabulous right now and it would expediate getting a place of my own. I can't stress any more how much I really need this to happen. I want to encourage growth in my life and right now all I feel is destruction. Not destruction to anyone or anything, but I feel this destructive force gurgling in my st0mach that makes me want to lash out and crush everything about me. That's not healthy... I'm worried for myself. I need to find salvation... but in the mean time, I'll just sit here patiently at the front desk answering questions as best I can and I'll roam the hallways while students bustle by me and I'll sit quietly at the Ab minding my own business and I'll go home and keep to my room - all patient and quiet - hoping that no one will get in my way and I accidentally kill them with my mean words and my evil eye stare.
I'm just happy that the phone has not rung once this morning....
SLaw
sooooooooo, I was 15 minutes late for work today because my usual serene bus stop was packed with ass holes. Today is the first day back to classes on campus. Two buses just drove past because they were too full. The next four buses could only let on about 10 to eight people before telling the rest of us that we'd have to wait for the next bus because they too were overloaded with students - even though I was at the stop WAY before most of the dicks that were standing there with me. I try to be polite and stand in line, but not when everyone pushes and fights their way to the open doors of the bus. I had to call my work to let them know of this delay... but no one seemed impressed when I walked in the door just over 10minutes of my usual arrival time. The silence is gone and now is replaced with the hubbub of students and faculty. Even getting to my building and THEN to the elevator was a struggle... there were people every where!! When did I become such a human-loathing person??!! Like I know I despise malls on weekends and the subway at rush hour... but who doesn't? I like my personal space and there are very few who I feel comfortable invading it. Just get out of my damn way so I can go on my day... grah - what a way to start my morning....
Last night was nerd-night with the boys ("Bear", "the Mohr", "Jay", "Gill" and "Gordo" and "CrAZY Drew"). It was a good time, I'm beginning to feel a little more comfortable with role-playing - hahaha, I would normally never catch myself dead participating in something like this, but somehow with these guys its totally normal and way fun. Gill showed me a website for submitting illustrations for stuff like what we are doing after he saw my little doodles in my binder that I do to keep me entertained while its "not my turn" and to remember plot line (my attention span is not that long, sorry!). I think I'm going to do it. Gill has been pushing me to be more creative and to utilize my talents. I have been dying to get back into visual arts, but its not at matter of time, its not a matter of space, it really has to do with being inspired. I just don't feel that I am. I have dark looming clouds over my head and I'm currently trying to evade them so I can resume being "bubbly SLaw" instead of placating those emotions. But in any case, I brought my sketch book to work with me, might doodle during lunch and after work.... might make a venture to the Abby for a pint (Its Dr's birthday today, as well as my Frosh Boss from first year ("Todd")), so he will be hanging around. I want to wish him face to face, texts and facebook just really don't suffice for my close friends. I just hope it isn't going to be packed since its the official re-open date... I just want to enjoy the atmosphere in my own space.
The executive officer said she'd keep my contacts and class schedule on her desk so that if she ever needs extra help in the office they will call me right away instead of putting up another job posting. Its good to know that someone is looking out for my well being - that boost my ego a little bit - and I feel that I need it. I haven't heard back from TPM (the theatre job I applied for) about the position... but its only the beginning of the day. I really hope that I get the position... some steady income would be fabulous right now and it would expediate getting a place of my own. I can't stress any more how much I really need this to happen. I want to encourage growth in my life and right now all I feel is destruction. Not destruction to anyone or anything, but I feel this destructive force gurgling in my st0mach that makes me want to lash out and crush everything about me. That's not healthy... I'm worried for myself. I need to find salvation... but in the mean time, I'll just sit here patiently at the front desk answering questions as best I can and I'll roam the hallways while students bustle by me and I'll sit quietly at the Ab minding my own business and I'll go home and keep to my room - all patient and quiet - hoping that no one will get in my way and I accidentally kill them with my mean words and my evil eye stare.
I'm just happy that the phone has not rung once this morning....
SLaw
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Cleansed
I had a shower...
...much better. Tried to talk with Drew - but chatting over the internet is never the same. I tried to commit to my promise to myself to not text, or message or call him at all today. I didn't work. Why can't I detach myself from him right now? That's a rhetorical question by the way. I'm supposed to be embracing this distance and I have not made the best of it yet.
I'm really frustrated where I am right now - I'm just complaining about everything. I know the more I point out things the worse its going to get. I'm just going to end up nic-picking over everything and become more miserable than I already am.
Like I was lamenting before - I want to get to the next plateau.... I have all these great ideas in my head for art pieces and can't even get started on them because of the house. I have tired to be creative in other places, but they aren't my own. I don't want to impose my creative process and mess on someone else's space. Keyel mentioned to me that he's seen me be artistic in his and Drew's apartment more in one week than I have been in the entire time he has known me at NHFL.... interesting observation. I'm craaaaving to be let free - but with being completely free comes not caring about responsibilities and their consequences... I'm not ready to face the consequences if I let go of my current responsibilities.... I have to let go a little bit at a time, I just wish the process would be faster...
I'm too damn impatient!!
Well, I have a lunch date with the Dr. He's expecting me. I have to pick up soup still.
I just got a call from the office. They want me to work tomorrow - I wish they would just face the facts that they can't function without me and hire me on full time!! Hahaha, but then again, do I want to get sucked in for life and have to deal with the bureaucratic BS everyday??? Hmmmm.... don't think so. Still have my fingers crossed for the job I got interviewed for... Will let you know as soon as I know.
Cheers,
SLaw
...much better. Tried to talk with Drew - but chatting over the internet is never the same. I tried to commit to my promise to myself to not text, or message or call him at all today. I didn't work. Why can't I detach myself from him right now? That's a rhetorical question by the way. I'm supposed to be embracing this distance and I have not made the best of it yet.
I'm really frustrated where I am right now - I'm just complaining about everything. I know the more I point out things the worse its going to get. I'm just going to end up nic-picking over everything and become more miserable than I already am.
Like I was lamenting before - I want to get to the next plateau.... I have all these great ideas in my head for art pieces and can't even get started on them because of the house. I have tired to be creative in other places, but they aren't my own. I don't want to impose my creative process and mess on someone else's space. Keyel mentioned to me that he's seen me be artistic in his and Drew's apartment more in one week than I have been in the entire time he has known me at NHFL.... interesting observation. I'm craaaaving to be let free - but with being completely free comes not caring about responsibilities and their consequences... I'm not ready to face the consequences if I let go of my current responsibilities.... I have to let go a little bit at a time, I just wish the process would be faster...
I'm too damn impatient!!
Well, I have a lunch date with the Dr. He's expecting me. I have to pick up soup still.
I just got a call from the office. They want me to work tomorrow - I wish they would just face the facts that they can't function without me and hire me on full time!! Hahaha, but then again, do I want to get sucked in for life and have to deal with the bureaucratic BS everyday??? Hmmmm.... don't think so. Still have my fingers crossed for the job I got interviewed for... Will let you know as soon as I know.
Cheers,
SLaw
Bitchy...
... I feel cranky, I feel it lurking under my skin. Only because I have so many questions floating around in my head and I don't know how to get the answers. Its not a matter of just asking, these questions are more complicated than that. Sometimes its a questions that shouldn't be asked right now, sometimes its a question that I don't want to know the answer to just yet, and some of the questions are to myself and I just don't know the answer right now...
Like with this set of regained fears that I have. Not the kind of fears that inhibit my day to day actions but nag my drifting thoughts... I can't even be still in my own head. Right now, I'm in one of those spots where I just want to be around people... Its not really a rut if you think about it, but being alone is somewhere I don't want to be. I really enjoy my alone time. Heck, I'm an only child, I know what alone is. I just fear that the people that I enjoy spending time with will soon get irritated with my closeness. I know that when I spend too much time with certain people they get under my skin, I get sick of hearing what they have to say and I just have to break free. I don't want to be that - I don't want to naively be the "irritating one - Moana"... I got so crushed when I found that one out. But that's just it, I'm currently afraid that my near and dear aren't being as honest to my face as I wish they would be. I want them to tell me when its okay and when its not to be around. I'm nervous that I'm being fooled, thinking that I'm surrounded by people who love me but in reality they have large beefs with me.
Like at my "birthday" celebration with my mom's side the other night. My Aunt has continued to ignore me. She interacted with me just enough so that the rest of the family didn't notice. I just really wish she'd drop the fuckin' wall that she has put between us and we just figure out why this is going on. Do I need to apologize again? I don't know she won't tell me. I don't even fully understand why she is so pissed at me.
Like with Drew and my house. He says he wants to be around me, but I sometimes feel that if it weren't for me putting in the effort all the time, he'd never see me. I know I should just embrace the distance we have just inherited but being in my house alone right now makes me infuriated. I can't stand it... and its not targeted at any single person that I live with. They are like second family to me and I enjoy their company... I just can't be free to do what I want - I feel like I'm being stunted and compromised from reaching my full potential. I NEED to reach the next plateau... I can feel it nearing... I want to run for it... I need to be there... This large obstacle in front of me is very frustrating. How do I tell them I want out. I tried that already and have been convinced it will get better, even though I know deep down in my heart I still want out. I told them that I need to start exploring my art professionally and I truly believe I cannot do that in the house. I love that house too, which makes it all that much harder to pack up and leave.
Guh... my thoughts today aren't very focused. This is very poorly put together. Give me an hour or two and I'll come back with new thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for the rant,
SLaw
Like with this set of regained fears that I have. Not the kind of fears that inhibit my day to day actions but nag my drifting thoughts... I can't even be still in my own head. Right now, I'm in one of those spots where I just want to be around people... Its not really a rut if you think about it, but being alone is somewhere I don't want to be. I really enjoy my alone time. Heck, I'm an only child, I know what alone is. I just fear that the people that I enjoy spending time with will soon get irritated with my closeness. I know that when I spend too much time with certain people they get under my skin, I get sick of hearing what they have to say and I just have to break free. I don't want to be that - I don't want to naively be the "irritating one - Moana"... I got so crushed when I found that one out. But that's just it, I'm currently afraid that my near and dear aren't being as honest to my face as I wish they would be. I want them to tell me when its okay and when its not to be around. I'm nervous that I'm being fooled, thinking that I'm surrounded by people who love me but in reality they have large beefs with me.
Like at my "birthday" celebration with my mom's side the other night. My Aunt has continued to ignore me. She interacted with me just enough so that the rest of the family didn't notice. I just really wish she'd drop the fuckin' wall that she has put between us and we just figure out why this is going on. Do I need to apologize again? I don't know she won't tell me. I don't even fully understand why she is so pissed at me.
Like with Drew and my house. He says he wants to be around me, but I sometimes feel that if it weren't for me putting in the effort all the time, he'd never see me. I know I should just embrace the distance we have just inherited but being in my house alone right now makes me infuriated. I can't stand it... and its not targeted at any single person that I live with. They are like second family to me and I enjoy their company... I just can't be free to do what I want - I feel like I'm being stunted and compromised from reaching my full potential. I NEED to reach the next plateau... I can feel it nearing... I want to run for it... I need to be there... This large obstacle in front of me is very frustrating. How do I tell them I want out. I tried that already and have been convinced it will get better, even though I know deep down in my heart I still want out. I told them that I need to start exploring my art professionally and I truly believe I cannot do that in the house. I love that house too, which makes it all that much harder to pack up and leave.
Guh... my thoughts today aren't very focused. This is very poorly put together. Give me an hour or two and I'll come back with new thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for the rant,
SLaw
Friday, September 4, 2009
Observations behind the front desk:
I just saw the nicest man to come through our office walk right into the door. I always get confused too (whether to push or pull), but he cracked his head on the glass - I felt bad for him... especially after he took the time to explain everything that he was doing to the office space (you learn something new every day - I learned about wind chill factor today...) and the air ducts to fix our air flow problem.
*sigh*
He even made a point to remember my name.
Too bad its my last day for a while.
*sigh*
He even made a point to remember my name.
Too bad its my last day for a while.
TGIF?
I'm back to work today. I have been off since Tuesday. I hope I have gotten through the worst of this cough and cold. It just sounds awful when I answer the phone then have to excuse myself to cough my face off. Soooo unprofessional. My sinuses hurt, they give me a headache with all the pressure, and sometimes I cough so hard I vomit - now that's attactive!
Anyway, so my assumptions for applying to the FOH job too late were in fact false, I got an email a few days later asking me to come in for an interview. I accepted and skipped my yoga session to go to it. The questions they asked me felt like I was unable to tell them about my full potential, they were kind of cheesy and really vague. It was hard to tell if they were unimpressed or not because I was the first person they met, I lightly joked with them that I wouldnt' be "hard on them" - haha. Well at least I know I set the bar, and most times when I have held interviews, the first person I see I consider to be the average... meaning I will hire almost anyone with qualifications and exerience greater than that of the first person I interviewed and the people with less to offer will usually not be considered. So, here's hoping, with fingers crossed, that I get this job and that I stay there for a while so I can settle into some stable income and can start saving up for a new place to live.
I'm so unimpressed with the ShitHaus right now. Its not really a feeling targeted at the people who live there, its just a feeling that lurks in the hallways and in the floorboards. It makes me feel uncomfortable like the way nails on a chalk board can make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. I feel so alone and frustrated and angry every time I step foot in the door. I feel let down and used and taken advantage of. I feel like everything is unfair and unfamiliar. It probably isn't but that is due to the lack of communication. I have tried everything from phone calls and text messages, to notes on a new message board, to facebook and emails, to tracking them down in person to get to have a roommate meeting - but no avail. It took the newest roommie ("Shan") to say, "hey guys, we need to sit down and figure this out...." I'm so frustrated that she barely had to lift a finger to get the rest to commit...
Drew stayed there with me last night. I broke down in my room. I have never hated being in that house, I love that house, but I feel it is so far away from being a part of me now that I can't bare to be there anymore. My potential new roommate (if I ever can get outta here) "Gordo" and I will be getting together tonight to 1) get drunk and do crazy sexy things and 2)hopefully find somewhere awesome to live together soon and 3)put a time stamp on plan B.
In fact, I'm going to search housing and rental places on line now. B and Armour suggested finding a realtor, but I'm not sure that involves costs or anything. I'll have to do some more research but it sounds like a good route to go so that we can find the perfect place to live and not run into any disappointments.
The Bead Show is coming back in town... I want to go to find some resin, or like a starter kit since I don't have a credit card to order this stuff on line myself. Perhaps I'll should look into that as well, getting a credit card... start building up some credit, start becoming more responsible like I harp about being... time to prove it.
~SLaw
Anyway, so my assumptions for applying to the FOH job too late were in fact false, I got an email a few days later asking me to come in for an interview. I accepted and skipped my yoga session to go to it. The questions they asked me felt like I was unable to tell them about my full potential, they were kind of cheesy and really vague. It was hard to tell if they were unimpressed or not because I was the first person they met, I lightly joked with them that I wouldnt' be "hard on them" - haha. Well at least I know I set the bar, and most times when I have held interviews, the first person I see I consider to be the average... meaning I will hire almost anyone with qualifications and exerience greater than that of the first person I interviewed and the people with less to offer will usually not be considered. So, here's hoping, with fingers crossed, that I get this job and that I stay there for a while so I can settle into some stable income and can start saving up for a new place to live.
I'm so unimpressed with the ShitHaus right now. Its not really a feeling targeted at the people who live there, its just a feeling that lurks in the hallways and in the floorboards. It makes me feel uncomfortable like the way nails on a chalk board can make the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. I feel so alone and frustrated and angry every time I step foot in the door. I feel let down and used and taken advantage of. I feel like everything is unfair and unfamiliar. It probably isn't but that is due to the lack of communication. I have tried everything from phone calls and text messages, to notes on a new message board, to facebook and emails, to tracking them down in person to get to have a roommate meeting - but no avail. It took the newest roommie ("Shan") to say, "hey guys, we need to sit down and figure this out...." I'm so frustrated that she barely had to lift a finger to get the rest to commit...
Drew stayed there with me last night. I broke down in my room. I have never hated being in that house, I love that house, but I feel it is so far away from being a part of me now that I can't bare to be there anymore. My potential new roommate (if I ever can get outta here) "Gordo" and I will be getting together tonight to 1) get drunk and do crazy sexy things and 2)hopefully find somewhere awesome to live together soon and 3)put a time stamp on plan B.
In fact, I'm going to search housing and rental places on line now. B and Armour suggested finding a realtor, but I'm not sure that involves costs or anything. I'll have to do some more research but it sounds like a good route to go so that we can find the perfect place to live and not run into any disappointments.
The Bead Show is coming back in town... I want to go to find some resin, or like a starter kit since I don't have a credit card to order this stuff on line myself. Perhaps I'll should look into that as well, getting a credit card... start building up some credit, start becoming more responsible like I harp about being... time to prove it.
~SLaw
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The start... I better get used to it.
I'm sitting in my pseudo-neighbour's place ("Dr. Nick"), the big move was today. I didn't want to watch the place fall apart so I took the fact that I'm still incredibly sick as a good omen. I don't want to sit there and feel bad about it, I don't want to watch it slip away from me, I don't want to be standing in there and making a note of it being the "last" time... I'll just avoid it and hope that my memory serves me well, I'd rather remember it that way instead of dead inside.
Last night we demolished the place, we divided the art work and packed the last of the belongings and put them into piles to be moved the next day. Our landlord, who I'm beginning to believe more and more that she is a slumlord... She came by to try to get in one last hard blow to the guys, "you have to be out by midnight or I'll have to charge you for being here. I'm changing the locks". But as per usual, her word means nothing, empty threats. I can't wait until my time comes to leave her behind.
I really wish that I didn't have to work this week so that I could enjoy visiting the gang in their new pads. Maybe I should let them unpack and settle before I do that. I took today off from work, I feel like crap, Lolo advised me it might be this sinus infection that has been going around, she had it. Meh, no matter, I'll try to get some antibiotics and hope that I can make it through the rest of the week. School will start and hopefully I'll swing into a routine.
I applied for an FOH job yesterday. I hope I didn't miss the deadline to apply, I hope I get an interview. I was hoping to get a job on campus... but I think its time to grow away from its clutch. I mean, sure I'll welcome any opportunities that come my way, but I have to start nurturing some sort of future for myself.
I'm going to go pick up some groceries with Keyel so that I can make some dinner for Drew and I before we head uptown for the gallery reception we have promised to go to. Sleeping alone tonight is going to be strange.... I better get used to it.
Cheers,
SLaw x0x
Last night we demolished the place, we divided the art work and packed the last of the belongings and put them into piles to be moved the next day. Our landlord, who I'm beginning to believe more and more that she is a slumlord... She came by to try to get in one last hard blow to the guys, "you have to be out by midnight or I'll have to charge you for being here. I'm changing the locks". But as per usual, her word means nothing, empty threats. I can't wait until my time comes to leave her behind.
I really wish that I didn't have to work this week so that I could enjoy visiting the gang in their new pads. Maybe I should let them unpack and settle before I do that. I took today off from work, I feel like crap, Lolo advised me it might be this sinus infection that has been going around, she had it. Meh, no matter, I'll try to get some antibiotics and hope that I can make it through the rest of the week. School will start and hopefully I'll swing into a routine.
I applied for an FOH job yesterday. I hope I didn't miss the deadline to apply, I hope I get an interview. I was hoping to get a job on campus... but I think its time to grow away from its clutch. I mean, sure I'll welcome any opportunities that come my way, but I have to start nurturing some sort of future for myself.
I'm going to go pick up some groceries with Keyel so that I can make some dinner for Drew and I before we head uptown for the gallery reception we have promised to go to. Sleeping alone tonight is going to be strange.... I better get used to it.
Cheers,
SLaw x0x
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