Bitchy...

... I feel cranky, I feel it lurking under my skin. Only because I have so many questions floating around in my head and I don't know how to get the answers. Its not a matter of just asking, these questions are more complicated than that. Sometimes its a questions that shouldn't be asked right now, sometimes its a question that I don't want to know the answer to just yet, and some of the questions are to myself and I just don't know the answer right now...

Like with this set of regained fears that I have. Not the kind of fears that inhibit my day to day actions but nag my drifting thoughts... I can't even be still in my own head. Right now, I'm in one of those spots where I just want to be around people... Its not really a rut if you think about it, but being alone is somewhere I don't want to be. I really enjoy my alone time. Heck, I'm an only child, I know what alone is. I just fear that the people that I enjoy spending time with will soon get irritated with my closeness. I know that when I spend too much time with certain people they get under my skin, I get sick of hearing what they have to say and I just have to break free. I don't want to be that - I don't want to naively be the "irritating one - Moana"... I got so crushed when I found that one out. But that's just it, I'm currently afraid that my near and dear aren't being as honest to my face as I wish they would be. I want them to tell me when its okay and when its not to be around. I'm nervous that I'm being fooled, thinking that I'm surrounded by people who love me but in reality they have large beefs with me.

Like at my "birthday" celebration with my mom's side the other night. My Aunt has continued to ignore me. She interacted with me just enough so that the rest of the family didn't notice. I just really wish she'd drop the fuckin' wall that she has put between us and we just figure out why this is going on. Do I need to apologize again? I don't know she won't tell me. I don't even fully understand why she is so pissed at me.

Like with Drew and my house. He says he wants to be around me, but I sometimes feel that if it weren't for me putting in the effort all the time, he'd never see me. I know I should just embrace the distance we have just inherited but being in my house alone right now makes me infuriated. I can't stand it... and its not targeted at any single person that I live with. They are like second family to me and I enjoy their company... I just can't be free to do what I want - I feel like I'm being stunted and compromised from reaching my full potential. I NEED to reach the next plateau... I can feel it nearing... I want to run for it... I need to be there... This large obstacle in front of me is very frustrating. How do I tell them I want out. I tried that already and have been convinced it will get better, even though I know deep down in my heart I still want out. I told them that I need to start exploring my art professionally and I truly believe I cannot do that in the house. I love that house too, which makes it all that much harder to pack up and leave.

Guh... my thoughts today aren't very focused. This is very poorly put together. Give me an hour or two and I'll come back with new thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for the rant,

SLaw