Stagnant

That is how I feel about life right now:

STAGNANT...

I got into a sort of debate about doing what makes me happy... and since then that is all that is on my mind. I figure the reason I was so stressed out about nothing or feeling out of sorts with the group because I was trying to be someone I'm not, trying to do what my friends expect of me because they think it will make me happy instead of just listening to my heart, my intuition.  I guess I was leaning on their advice too much as to what to do with my life and it was in fact making me miserable.  Which is a damn shame because I only want to make the people around me happy... but compromising my entire self for them is no good either.  I can't help them if I can't even help myself.  So I've been working on it.  Trying to find a balance between doing what I want and allowing some time and effort for things they want.

But I also think that being a little selfish and not completely selfless is not a bad thing.  Friends should realize that each individual is entitled to their own busy lives and should take their own paths even if it means straying away from the friendship a little bit.  Because in the end, if we are true friends it shouldn't matter the time in between our shared moments - its how meaningful the time shared that is the important thing.  Also, I don't like being told what to do, I don't like being pressured to spend time with someone.  It is more enticing and welcoming to spend time together if it is open, and relaxed - it makes it much more fun.  It makes me want to make time to spend together.  If I'm told what to do, my rebellious side kicks in and I'll do the exact opposite.

So, in the end, I need to cater to my needs right now.  Because I feel stagnant with the rest of my life.  This retail job, although it is fun and is good money, it is a dead end.  I'm only part time, and my location is micro-managed by every employee, regardless if they are an assistant manager or not.  It is frustrating because you will never know who is going to nit-pick on your performance.  And getting negative feedback everyday is never fun.  And I understand that everyone is just looking out for the best, and it is all constructive criticism - but it weighs heavy on the mind.  My manager tells me how great I'm doing and how well I'm fitting in... but I'm finding it hard to believe her when everyone else is telling me I'm doing everything wrong or that I need to go about my sales a totally different way.   So who is lying?  Probably no one, but it makes me realize that I was not cut out for a job like this.  I'll do it because it is the only place that will employ me and I'm getting a great experience here at Town Shoes... but I yearn for something more productive, something with a greater end to its means.  I need to see a bigger pay off, and not in terms of paycheque, but in terms of visual results that I'm doing something good for the community.

Alas, so this brings me to why I feel stagnant.  I really want to get back into painting and beading... but I feel confined.  I don't feel that I can take my supplies out, go crazy for a few hours and then let it stand (the way I do to keep myself motivated by a piece, so that fresh eyes are always laying upon what I'm working on) for a few days.  Someone will tell me my stuff is in the way, or that I'm making a mess, or that someone else knocked into my stuff, or that they moved my stuff back into my room.  I need to stretch out... but I can't, so I don't really make the time to be involved in my passions.  So instead, I trudge - day in, and day out - to work and then home again.  And I don't even want to go home... I want to go to Drew's apartment.  Creativity lives there, I feel more at home.

So this is my predicament...  on top of all the other things that have been happening:
Drew's broken clavicle - and me taking care of him
Not being able to graduate - and forcing York to find a solution
Trying to spend time with family - and feeling like they don't really care to put the effort in anymore






Ahhhhhhhhh, I should just be thankful for what I have - I'm just finding it hard to believe in myself these days.  I need my power back - so that I can make some MOVEMENT.