True Colours

My heart is heavy.  I have received many phone calls, text messages, emails - all which are very nice and appreciated, Thank You.... I hope everyone knows that.  It's times like these that people's true colours show.



Drew and I got into a ridiculous argument - NOT what I wanted to deal with this morning.  I was a wreck and he walked out on me - I fell to pieces.  Cat picked me up, threw me in a hot bath and made me a chai latte so I could soak away the physical pain I've been carrying since I got the news.  When I emerged from the tub, there was breakfast, all laid out perfectly on a blue plate: toast, fried potatoes, hard boiled eggs.  She even got a little bowl so that I could shake out a bit of salt and pepper the way I like.  She has an amazing attention to detail and such a large capacity to show compassion.  I'm so thankful she was around this morning - she helped me get the stupid stuff off of my mind and back to what was most important - my Uncle.  Cat put me back to bed and put some "It's Always Sunny" on and I soon I was off to La-La-Land (since I didn't get any sleep last night).

I tried calling Drew to figure out what the heck was going on and it just turned out to be a blame shifting argument again.  I was getting angry and frustrated and said some really mean things - I felt he deserved it because he hurt me so deep - AGAIN.  I apologized... My head is a mess - I didn't mean it, but it's all so confusing with so many other heart-wrenching emotions floating around in my head and heart.  I'm not ready to give up on us or HIM.  I just don't know what to do to get that boy to look beyond the surface and get a real deep look at the larger picture.  I resort to yelling and freaking out because it's the only time that he's actually listening to me instead of being distracted by all the other doo-dads and gadgets surrounding his attention parameter.  *sigh*  He pays too much attention to the little stuff that doesn't matter...  Then he'll go off on saying that I'm unappreciative of all the good things he does - THAT IS NOT THE CASE.  I love everything that he does for me, every little bit counts and is amazing... it's just somewhere along the line he loses its genuine intentions.

I ended our phone call with the word "Selflessness".   I don't want to baby him or treat him like a child or make him feel like he has to tuck his tail and run.  I just hope that the messages that I'm trying to give him help him understand parts of life that he usually says "I don't know" to.............uuuuuuUUUUUHHHGGGgggggg....

This is not what I want to be focusing on right now - this isn't about Drew, this isn't about ME.... bottom line I'm upset about my Uncle.  I'm really frustrated right now because I don't know what to feel.  I just want to pick a direction and stick to the course.  I think I'll go clean my room.