Today is a BIG day -

Today is the day...

... the day that the family (and very close friends) get to go to the funeral home and see my Uncle John.  This is going to be the hardest part.  Right now I've been drifting in and out of disbelief.  The news was a shock and it really hasn't sunken in.  The thought of him being gone has brought me to tears, but so has empathizing for my Aunty Sue.  Reading the Obituary has also proven difficult to accept.  But today we actually get to see him in his casket.  And on Sunday evening they will be cremating him - not enough time, it's going to happen so quickly.  But it is probably for the better to not prolong it.

I remember being there when my grandpa had already passed, he was still laying in his own bed, while we waited for the doctors to come and pick his body up.  It was easier to digest - feeling the warmth leave his body, feeling the dead-weight of his limbs - there was no disguising that was gone.  But this - this is going to be hard.  Part of my mind believes he'll pop out from behind the corner and just be there.  Like when I was at his house last night, everyone was there and it just felt like he was out on a walk with the dog - except the dog was sleeping under the table at my feet.  I will want to reach out and touch him, hug him... he'll be so cold.  Reality's slap in the face will never hurt so much than today.

Drew came to his senses.  I had a stern talk with him, I tried to explain I only do it for his own good.  He has to deal with life's hard situations at some point in time - running isn't always an option.  So he came over last night - I was hoping he'd already be there when I walked in, but as per usual lingered at his place until last minute.  Even though I was still pretty cold toward him, it was nice just knowing he was around in case - just in case.

My Dad called me today to tell me the plans for us.  He doesn't sound good.  He's holding on and trying so hard to keep himself busy.  I don't question his methods of dealing, but I just know that I wouldn't be able to survive how he does it.  Even when I saw him last night, he just didn't look good.  His age really showed and he just looked exhausted.  I know emotional stress can be harder for your body to cope with than physical stress - but wow, I just wanted to hug him.  But he was busy busy busy, just how he likes it.  There is a time and place for everything - my timing will have to be impeccable.  My Mom told me that it was Keith and Blair (Aunty Sue's kids) that suggested I should be in the Obituary.  I'll have to thank them today.  Or some time throughout the duration of all the viewings and the wake and the funeral and so on and so forth.

*Deep Breath In*








*Exhale*






It can be done and it will be done - I will get through this.