And the roller coaster hurdles down hill again: Jill of all trades, master at nothing.

I've resorted to crying again. It seems and feels like the only thing I can do. I NEED to get rid of this hurt, this pain, this feeling of hopelessness. There are so many layers upon layers its hard to see what I'm even upset about these days. And it may be something very small and insignificant... but because there is so much adding up, the baggage I carry weighs down on the rest, each situation's emotional attachment feeding on the other making it grow into an uncontrollable blob. I've been keeping my chin up for a while... things started to look up and I was happy again. I was beginning to feel like myself.

Then yesterday happened.

Nothing monumental. Nothing horrible. Nothing worth even talking about (but I will because there is nothing else to talk about). From the moment I woke up, I could sense the day was going to be a challenge. First Drew and I had a yelling match ... not really with each other but about the same thing we are frustrated with... its tearing us apart and it sucks and I'm just mad all the time. Then class was decent, it really got me thinking about how I define myself as an "artist" if you could even consider me one. It was frustrating and pinged at my heart. Keyel and I have been thinking of trying to have a show. I think its great that he's so motivated and ambitious toward this endeavour and he's really growing into his new painting skills. But I have some serious reservations. I have been training and going to lessons and have been subjected to countless hours of rigorous study to come to an understanding about what it is to be an artist, how to create art and it just irritates me that he can pick up a palette knife and throw blobs of paint at a canvas and immediately sell it for over $100... I mean great an all, but... I could critique his paintings and say: he over works them, or the composition isn't the greatest or the colours are too muddy... but the difference is he at least has paintings to show for. I have all this skill and knowledge and NOTHING to show for it.

I went to go meet up with Chanti after class... we were a little disconnected in when and where we were going to do so, so I wandered around campus. I haven't done so in a very long time. I felt kind of out of place, like I was wearing something totally ridiculous and everyone was staring at me. But that was a total fabrication in my mind. I needed something comforting so I called Drew. I said I needed to vent and let out my frustrations - so I did, and I pleaded for him to stand up for me. I said I felt compromised as a woman. I felt disrespected and used. I felt like I was being taken advantage of, and other really heavy feelings. I didn't want to make a big fuss so I had to get a lot of these feelings off of my chest before I ended up in another "I'm going to give you the silent treatment until you apologize" fulling knowing I'm not going to get an apology...... Chekan saw me pacing back and forth outside of the Second Cup in York Lanes and ran out to greet me. It was great to see him. I ended my phone call with a "you know I love you right?" and joined Chekan and Paul inside. We quickly caught up and made a promise to see each other more often. I hope we keep our promises. I then went and bought myself a new notebook. It felt so good to tear the plastic off of it and smell the fresh pages. I have invested so many words laden with highly charged emotions on those pages - my salvation for my sanity... I have been bottling it all recently because I couldn't afford to buy a new one. These note books are a purchase I am always willing to indulge in. I need that book... the internet isn't always as accessible as those pages.... Anyway, I eventually ventured to the houses to see if Chanti was there. Nope, and her cell was going straight to voicemail. Since I have no keys to get into my own house, I tried to sneak past the front of the houses and try the back gate. Miraculously it was left open. I wandered through the backyard... it was dark and brown and dying... the life I once blinked at in bewilderment was gone. Each step was like walking deeper and deeper into Hades. I slinked past my house and almost made it to Chanti's back door, when I heard a "Steph Law!!" come from the sliding doors of the Shithaus. It was Travis. He seemed happy that he spotted me. So I came back to talk to him. He asked me where I have been. I made an excuse. Jonny B also walked in the door and gave me a hug. I stepped into the house... I stood there for a bit... I wandered around and touched some of the things on my drafting table. It just wasn't the same. I took off my shoes and headed for my room. I started looking for my halloween costume from last year (I definitely can't afford to do anything new this year - nor do I have the energy to be creative) and Jonny B joined me for advice on his costume. I decided to take my time. I closed myself off in my room and tried to make myself feel like it was the good old days. I curled my hair and picked through my clothes. I laid out some articles on the bed and folded them tight and put them into a back pack. I did my makeup in front of my favourite mirror and slipped into my costume. I switched my things from the jacket that I borrowed from Fistfight into my winter coat. Travis said to me, "I hope you decide to come back more often" and I said I would... I want to... I want to be there, I want to leave my home on good terms... I'm just not sure if I'm ready. On my way out, I grabbed a few more things and stuffed them in my bag. I walked over to NewHomeFreeLand and peered through the back door... It is completely bare. The walls are stark white. The floor is clean and refinished. Our heights on the wall by the stairs - gone. I choked up a bit and ran to tap on Chanti's door. She opened it and opened her arms to me. I missed her. I always text her to see if she is home. Not that I'm going to be around but I just keep checking in to see if she is still there. I need her more than she probably realizes - she is my ultimate escape, and I plan to only use that escape for major emergencies, it stays sacred to me that way. I vented to her and Sarah before I ran out the door. The smell of her house, the squish of the carpet under my feet and having ovaries that close to me was the best thing that happened to me yesterday.

I ran over to the convenience store. I wanted ice cream... something for me to drift off into and not feel so bad. I looked into the chests of drumsticks and popsicles and freezies... nothing was appealing. Instead of taking the cab I wanted... I dragged myself onto a bus to Downsview. The whole way back to Davisville Station I was so careful not to misplace my shoes or the Garrison's cap that E gave me to use for Halloween last year. I was so careful the whole way... I finally got to the apartment and dropped all of my things by the door. I got the camera and video camera ready as I tried to fix my ailing hair-do and makeup in my sweat to be on time at the Rivoli (Drew and I had promised to shoot photos of Two Foot Falls that night). Drew and I had to be there by 10pm to be able to get in for free. I was running getting the last few things and trying to put some food in my stomach when I noticed the Garrison's cap wasn't where I had left it. I tore the bedroom apart... not there, I searched the entire living room, not there.... tears began to stream down my face - Drew couldn't understand why. That cap meant a lot to me, E gave it to me, I feel like I transform into someone else when wearing it, I love that cap... and it was gone. But we didn't have time to dwell on it. We wrote a quick Birthday message for Keyel and left him a gift in the freezer. We paced it quickly to Yonge and flagged a cab. We were silent the whole way. I threw some money at the driver and ran into the club only to get hassled at the door. I wasn't in the mood for this. The bar was completely empty - and Drew and I found a spot to put all of the gear by one of the speakers (I should have grabbed my ear plugs). As I went to the washroom a considerably drunk dude sat beside Drew. When I came back and took the camera from Drew to do some test shots, the guy sort of freaked out and got a little confrontational with me. I told him to chill out. And that's when he had a mission to steal my things. I thought Drew had picked up my things and put them in my bag... but when I asked him for my notebook (yep, the new crisp pages I have been longing for) Drew thought that I had put it away. I felt the outside of the drunk dude's bag and I could feel the rings that bind the pages together. I was infuriated. The drunk dude was obnoxiously dancing on the floor in front of the crowd watching the band. Drew was clicking photos... no one was paying attention to me so I grabbed the bottom of the bag and it fell onto the floor as a dude passed by... my notebook, my cell phone and Drew's lense cap fell out with a bunch of other random things. I grabbed my stuff, I was shaking with anger. I marched over to the bar and told the bartender what had happened. She went and got the manager who asked me to point him out. They kicked him out... but he gave them problems, so I went outside in hopes that the fresh air would make me stop shaking. I called Dr. and Cat to leave them completely non-sensical messages... I HAD to do something before I punched the guy in the face. After the show, a girl told me the drunk dude was holding onto her purse and her boyfriend grabbed it from him. I joked to the boyfriend and said, "if we teamed up, that guy would never have had a chance." She thanked me for dealing with it and I thanked the manager and bartender on the way out.

Drew and I took the subway home and walked hand in hand on the way back to the apartment. We tried laughing off the day and indulged in each other's bodies with some mind-blowing sex. I woke up this morning thinking that my worries and stresses would have just washed away.... All I can say is I'm fucking sick and tired of mooches, leeches, locusts, and people who are just not responsible for themselves. I can barely support myself, I can NOT subject myself to this kind of behavior. I'm not a slave, I'm not a maid, I'm not a housewife... I'm Steph Fucking Law and I'm so far away from being the woman I want to be. I feel like a shell of a person that I used to embody. I want my life back, I want to feel liberated and whole. I don't feel that here. I don't feel that at my house, I don't feel that anywhere... So where do I belong? I yearn for my new place... I yearn for freedom... I yearn to be someone I feel reflects me, not this facade I've chosen to live behind.

GUUUUHHHH - I don't know what I'm doing. I want to just wander today... but its raining. I'm trapped. I was hoping that if I documented everything that happened yesterday I would feel better..... I'm not sure it has done anything but make me angrier.

I'm going to go find something completely stupid to watch on the internet. I need to numb my senses.

~BLaw