Its all changing...

...but that's okay.

I'm normally one to embrace change, heck, usually I enforce it. So why do I feel like everything is caving in around me? I feel like I'm lost and things are happening too fast... Perhaps its because I want change in my life too and currently things are still the same. Perhaps I'm jealous, perhaps I want to turn the page and start anew too, perhaps I just need to take a closer look. The thought of trying to see the upside of all of this is exhausting... but that's okay.

Lolo came back today. We tried to get the same lunch time but were sternly told no. There were too many people away in the office. I looked up the job posting the Executive Officer told me about, it was in fact a work/study position. And I also looked up eligibility... you have to demonstrate financial need by submitting an OSAP application and to be full time, meaning at least nine credits each term... I'm only enrolled in 9 total. And you have to be a full time student to be eligible for OSAP - guh!! The thought of giving up my position to someone new, someone who has no idea about the system and someone who has no idea how to schedule over 100 students at once, it made my blood curdle. I worked too hard at fine tuning that position to have it all fall apart. I was encouraged to apply to YUTA for a temp job. Getting a job on campus used to be so easy for me... but that's okay.

Today I ran some errands for the office, I dropped off some important packages to some long serving faculty. The majority of my deliveries so happened to be in Complex 1, so I decided to make some visits along the way. The Abby's office was open and I made a point to create some small talk with the manager ("Ped"). Things will never be the same between us... but that's okay.

I went to the Master's Office prepared to face "what are you doing here?" glances but I was surprisingly met with hugs and smiles from friends... that's a first in a LONG time. I decided to take a tour to the SCR to wish the Frosh Bosses that I left behind a good luck and to have fun. As soon as the guy who took over for me ("Kev-vingt") escorted me through the hallways to the SCR I began to feel that it was a bad idea. I left for a reason... I left to get space... I left to feel better about myself... I left to heal the loss and frustration... why was I going back?? Am I that dumb that I just don't know when enough is enough? But I walked in behind him who handed papers to my old partner ("Dunn"), she was sitting on the table that used to be my old perch. A room full of students much younger than me all clad in red t-shirts turned to look at me. A wave of nauseau and nervousness washed over me... What was I doing there?? This was a mistake. But instead, people whisphered my name and gave me little waves and our "spirit hands" clap from some of the Frosh Boss veterans in the back... relief washed over me in an instant. Dunn turned around to see who interrupted her meeting and her face soon had a smile. I said, "I just came by to wish you all the best of luck this year" and she ran over to give me a hug, the room burst out into a loud applause. They invited me in to share in the training session that was underway, but I politely declined. "I'm a workin' lady now, but I promise to stop by later". Everyone waved good bye.

Its good to know that some things will never change.