What am I doing here??

So yeah... I vowed not to sleep over at Drew's place for at least 2 months... but so far, I have been here 6 nights this month already.

Twice was because I had to do homework and I don't have the internet at my house. Seemed legitimate.

Then we went to B and Armour's housewarming party... it was so close to Drew's house, it only seemed logical to pay for the shorter cab ride.

Then Monday night we went out, and even though it was closer to my house, Drew needed to go home for work early the next day.

Tuesday night... Wednesday night.... Drew got really sick. I decided to stay at his house to keep an eye over him. I know he says that he can take care of himself, but I wanted to help make sure he was going to be okay. Sometimes his stomach pain makes him curl up into a little ball and he can't do anything about it. I don't like seeing him hurt like that, I want to help him ease the pain so that he can get back up on his feet. Like I always tell him: if you're not around, then who is going to take care of me. And YEAH, I know... I'm strong enough to take care of myself too, but its nice to know that I have a safety net - it allows me to go out on a limb more, take a little bit more of a risk. Besides, I got some beading done, I shipped a package to Illinois - being productive was a good trade for sleeping over.

...but then I think... I'm not standing my ground... My mind is muddled. Does Drew not realize how much it means to me to have to compromise on this. I complained the other day that he keeps breaking promises to me, to help me unpack my room and such. He tells me he hasn't had the chance to do that himself. Baloney. He's had since September.... I don't have the luxury of prolonging it that much. Richard will be moving in soon and I have taken over his entire room. I have too much stuff.... But if I never came over here, I'd never see him... and right now I need him in my life... I know I'm smothering him, nagging him... that's why he doesn't communicate with me. He doesn't know how to tell me to go away... he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... its a vicious cycle... One that I have come to realize has happened and had probably been the demise of all of my relationships. Why do I do this??? I have a lot to think about....

.......the sun is shining today. I told Cat over gmail chat that I was going to use this as a good sign today. Get a lot done.... I have a bunch of necklaces to do...then I need to upload some photos to my other blog. I need to update the posts, I've written them but haven't published them. Then I have to go to the Fox and the Fiddle on the Danforth to pick up my IDs. Then I have to book it downtown to get some more earring findings. Then I have to go meet my mom for some Christmas shopping (UHG - I hate mall shopping with large crowds, it makes me a cranky crazy person. And the consumerism makes me want to barf.... I wasn't cut out for this kind of society). Imma be exhausted when I get home. I promised Cat I'd make some veggie soup for her. I'll see if I can pick up some groceries while I'm out with my mom, mainly lots of broccoli and cauliflower and maybe some noodles. Drew says he wants to come over... I think he's just doing it to shut me up instead of really wanting to. I know he wants to tackle his room. I need to give him more credit than doubting him. I just have been so skeptical of everything lately.... to tired to want to endure any more hurt. I have no patience for anything these days.... thank god I'm not a parent... I'd probably drown my kids by accident.

Anyway, if I type anymore its just going to put more of a delay on my list of things to do today...

*sigh*

JUST SMILE - its going to be okay, you're doing well for yourself... picking up the pieces just takes time.... you can do it....

Sometimes, I just need to force myself to be positive... sometimes it works - I hope that that "sometimes" is going to be today.