My Weekend is almost more than 4 days long...

... and it starts today.... depressing or a god-send?... I'm not sure how I feel.

I'm in the computer lab across campus. My class ended about an hour ago. I have to meet up with my mom for some pre-Christmas shopping (ew - let me divulge in that later...) so I have to wait around campus for her to pick me up after she is done work. I really want to go back to the apartment so that I can finish my new beading order. Drew's mom called us before heading out for Halloween festivities to request some "scarf holders". I'll put some photos up once I get a shots of them.



Class was good though... we went on a bit of a tangent about the essence of art... and I think it has been what I've been troubling myself over. I stopped painting about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Just no motivation, I lost the reason and passion that I was labouring over. I wrote this in a message to Wayland:

"Art Show: Recently I have been contemplating myself as an artist and I usually find myself very troubled. I'm completely irritated by the fact that I have what I think is a lot of artisnal skill but nothing to show for it. I'm caught on what I guess you can say is trying to find the essence of being an artist and furthermore, what MY essence is as an artist. I can't stand looking at art that looks like its trying to save the world with fluffy points of view on politics or what have you. I can't stand that there is hardly any original thought - and don't get me wrong on what you're doing or anyone else- but there are no original ideas for me. I feel everything that I dwell on and want to say through my paintings/artwork is very over-done... I think I'm afraid that I'll be ridiculed for being a copy cat or that I stole a unique idea from someone else. And while you can say that copying is flattery - I really want my artwork to be individual and unique - a true reflection of me. I feel hopeless. This feeling in my gut is hard to articulate into words, but the feeling is there nonetheless. Also, I think my problem is I want to do EVERYTHING... but that just makes me a Jill of all Trades and Master of None. Then I got to thinking that I should embrace this. A documentation on finding the essence of art, or the essence of any kind of medium - be it drawing, painting, photography. There is so much to touch on especially since I have been slightly guiding my friend Keyel into the visual arts world. He wants to be a painter (and is also a brilliant musician). He wants to do a show with me... I would really like to but I think he's jumping into a world where his scope is so small into comparison to what I have experienced. I have to find a way to put this idea into words and then sentances and then create artwork that compliments that goal. I have been dying to talk art with someone other than the boys that I'm currently living with... its not that they don't get me, but like I was saying - experience and exposure is limited with them."

Drew and I went on our "first date" yesterday. We finally went somewhere just as a couple that didn't have a means to an end. Like grocery shopping or laundry... I complained that we never spend time together, and quality time just BEING with each other enjoying each other's company and intellect. It was hard for him to separate sitting beside each other and sitting with each other... that's how I tried to explain it. Us cooking together and then watching some boob tube is great, but I wanted to go out and experience.... well, to experience AN EXPERIENCE with him. "Living" is a hard term to define. I mean you can live, which I guess is going to school/work, maintaining a house hold, eating, sleeping, interacting with people around you. But living also has so much potential for so many cultural experiences. Like going to a gallery or museum. Like going on a road trip to photograph the scenery. And I don't know if I yearn it because I've just become accustom to being surrounded by "arty" things or things that force an experience upon you. And its not the routine of waking up, going to work, going home, eating, going to sleep that kills it, I like routine, its constant and organized.... its just monotonous = BORING.

Anyway, my complaining paid off. Drew took me to the AGO, and we went on the Grange Tour again. I was so excited... I don't know which I like more, the first time around - to be subjected to wonder and mystery and other such delights. Or the second time - to focus on the smaller details, the attention to the binding ties, all the nooks and crannies. I tried to have what you would call a discussion about it over dinner, but then I just felt like art teacher prying her students for answers they really don't care about. And not to say that Drew was disinterested... I just don't know that it was his preferred cup of tea.

At any rate, an enjoyable night it was - we went for Korean BBQ afterwards... I really wish I could stuff more food into my belly, but I was getting uncomfortable as it was. We headed home and were joined by Keyel and Doctor for some much needed release of aggression in Mario Kart... hahah...

Drew and I worked out our frustrations with the previous problem I was lamenting about. Communication is key. I just didn't think I could approach the situation dead on ny myself. I'm confused enough as it is to my own thoughts and identity... how could I possibly nit-pick over someone else's behaviour. But all is well for now. The apartment glistens and smells clean and works like a well oiled machine now.

November is nearing its mid-point. Gordo and I have not signed a lease yet... I'm not nervous, but I'm also not feeling placid about it. I'm tired of looking at crappy housing and then on the other hand I'm tired of looking at decent places I can't afford. The job prospect SUCKS... I'm now just waiting to be saved... which is bad because that still means no INCOME....

UHG... I have an hour to go before I get out of here for the day.... I just don't know how to entertain myself these days. I could keep typing my thoughts out... But I think I'll separate the posts....

SLaw.